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I am a 53 year old woman who is on her fourth marriage. I have been married for eight years. I had four children at home and thought I had met my prince charming, finally. I now only have one son who is seventeen. I confronted my husband about pornography and masturbation two years ago. I don't know, it just came out of me. He did not deny it and said he felt guilty. He would always want me to do things that didn't quite feel right. We separated for about six weeks. As this was not my first marriage and I loved him - I told him I did not want a divorce. He said he would "try" harder not to go there. But time after time he would return. I am a 53 year old woman who is on her fourth marriage. I have been married for eight years. I had four children at home and thought I had met my prince charming, finally. I now only have one son who is seventeen.
I confronted my husband about pornography and masturbation two years ago. I don't know, it just came out of me. He did not deny it and said he felt guilty. He would always want me to do things that didn't quite feel right. We separated for about six weeks. As this was not my first marriage and I loved him - I told him I did not want a divorce. He said he would "try" harder not to go there. But time after time he would return.
In the last 3-6 months I have been closer emotionally and intimately with him. Things have changed a little for the better in some areas. I know pornography is an intimacy issue for them. My husband was horribly abused as a child and forced to do awful things. I am a Christian woman so I decided to turn it over to God. In some of our intimate talks he has stated he did not know "why" he does it. He did do some counseling (about 6 sessions). They informed him of how devastating this is to your wife and family. I have seen him be in his own world - like he is not present in the moment and can also be very grumpy.
He has changed a lot but after two years and broken promises he has not "CHOSEN" to deal with this problem and when the stresses of life become to difficult that is where he goes - to fantasy. Recently I gave him an ultimatum. It was me or "IT". He moved out.
I cried for three days. My clergy said not to give up hope - as he had come in to discuss the problem with him. He told me he said he knew he needed to deal with the problem. That was about a week ago. He came back just a few days later needing sex and stayed.
I feel like the crazy one because I just don't know what to do. Today I told him this was not what I signed up for. He spent the day with himself (which is how they cope with the shame and the guilt) and said he felt obligated to come home and spend some time with me.
Last evening he told me "he was messed up" and wanted to talk to me but when he came home there was no talking. He looked exhausted and just went to sleep. It is hell for them too if they have a conscious. I told him I deserved better and not to do me any favors. He should want to be with me no matter what. I told him my life was a living hell with him. I don't sleep. This drives me crazy. I appreciate someone else's story as I know what they have gone through and their is hope in the future for me and my life. Labels: addiction, communication, distrust, divorce, emotional pain, pornography, sexual abuse
Thank you for sharing your story. It is so brave and helpful of you. There are so many of us who hurt and it helps to feel that we are not alone. I am so sorry for your pain. I admire your commitment to your marriage. I hope it is rewarded with a happy ending. However it goes I hope you know that his problem is not about you and it is not something that you can fix. That is entirely up to him. I hope for the happiness of you both that he will be able to have a complete and full change of heart. May God speak peace to your heart and sustain you at this time.
Posted at
July 24, 2008 12:31 AM
I empathize with your story, I do. But remember that he isn't the only one on trial. Life is difficult and every person on this earth has a vice - his happens to be a horribly addictive one, but no less gripping than perhaps your own secret vices. He has likely grown an addiction as a coping mechanism to deal with stress and medicate his shame. It is a sad addiction because it feeds off human nature and the mind is itself a stage, a client and a pharmacy.
If you want to help him, don't judge him, castigate, or give desperate ultimatums . . . just love him . . . try to understand him. As much as it hurts to realize, his addiction isn’t about you or your rejection, it’s about his profound personal loss of self. Ask yourself if you hurt for yourself or do you hurt for your husband who has lost his way. Your answer is the key to true recovery. Instead of focusing on your offended sensibilities and rejection, help him understand himself. While he makes the decisions as to his agency, you play an important role in his ability to overcome. Don’t ever forget that the addiction lies in the secret and the shame. And I believe you inadvertently cast shame on him by some of the things you said about him in your letter. Moreover, when you married him you did sign up for whatever came at you (through thick and thin, better or worse). That is the marriage covenant you made.
Lastly, as a coping mechanism I suggest you and your husband fight the pornography industry. Spend your energy not emotionally crucifying your husband who is as much a victim as you but exert that energy by fighting the source of that insidious addiction. As you and your husband spend your time better understanding the addiction and fighting the source you may both find healing. He may finally see the lie within the lie and you may see him for who he is; a desperately struggling son of God who needs love and encouragement . . . not once, or twice or 100 times . . . but as long as it takes even if it’s forever. If God won’t give up on us, why on earth do you think you have the right to give up on someone? This problem of pornography is a test for you as much as your husband. The real question is will you step up to the plate and help him win the battle or will you be another pathetic statistic of defeat (both for yourself and him)?
Posted at
July 30, 2008 11:46 AM
Let yourself be guided. You are the expert on your marriage. You, and only you, know how much you're willing and able to take.
I chose to divorce my addicted husband after 17 years of marriage. It was the right choice. It was also the most difficult choice I've ever had to make.
Circumstances vary greatly. No one can know what is right for you but you. Trust yourself.
I'm all for fighting the porn industry, but you have four children. I have three. They are my first priority. When I realized that divorce in my particular circumstances would minimize consequences for my children, I moved fearlessly forward.
I still feel love for my ex husband. Because I chose to divorce him, it certainly doesn't mean that I've given up on him.
The best advice I can offer you is take your time. Pray for patience.
If you are guided to divorce like I was, please don't see yourself as "another pathetic statistic of defeat." Sometimes divorce is the most loving thing we can do.
Trust that you will be guided.
Posted at
July 30, 2008 2:00 PM
I was the author of the “I empathize with your story” comment . . .
When you have children you are no longer your own . . . that is certain. Yet, imagine telling your son or daughter that you are no longer going to be their parent because they’re into drugs, alcohol or pornography. Would you give up on them? Would it be a “loving thing to do” to leave them to fight it out on their own because it offended you or you were tired? When you get married and have children you both have a responsibility to work things out. Divorce is the quintessential cop-out strategy of this generation. It has become the primary solution to problems people don’t want to face or solve. Certainly I believe divorce can justified when a man or woman is physically abusive, oppressive or threatens the safety of you or your children. But if a man’s troubles are confined to viewing pornography and he feels shame and self-hatred and desperately wants to overcome it, you owe it to him and your children to be bigger than his addiction.
If you truly understand the addiction you’ll realize that relapse is not only common, but to be expected. Make no mistake, the journey is a long and difficult road – so don’t deceive yourself into thinking he’ll completely beat it in a year or even 5. Recovery is as unique as the individual who’s addicted. It may be the battle of a lifetime. And perhaps the litmus test for you determine his sincerity is whether he keeps trying (trying and succeeding are not the same). And if he stumbles, it’s not your privilege to kick him while he’s down. What if the tables were turned and he did that to you? Moreover, it would be a grave mistake to think that if he relapses he is in effect saying that he doesn’t love you. This is likely the furthest thing from the truth. Remember that the addiction is larger than the two of you combined. It will take great effort. But it will be worth it. Don’t let pornography beat you both and separate you.
I agree with the above writer inasmuch as you must trust yourself. But be sure your reasons are truly justifiable. Hurt feelings aren’t a good enough reason to destroy a family. I’m not sure what the author of “Let yourself be guided” was going through, but my guess is that she was counseled to divorce her husband on grounds OTHER than pornography. So it would be helpful for her to either be more detailed in her grounds for divorce lest you get confused and think that her veiled circumstances are equal to your own or not suggest that her circumstances are on par with yours.
There is no benevolence in divorce – not ever. It is either a desperate escape from eminent danger (which is justified) or it is defeatism – nothing in between. I don’t mean to offend you, but if your only grounds for divorce are his “viewing pornography” you are weaker than your husband and you have let pornography beat the two of you. Stand and fight for what you and your husband have tried to build! He is sick, he needs help, not abandonment. He most certainly needs help beyond your capacity to help him – and that is quite normal. You will teach him little (if anything) by abandoning him – and will inadvertently show your children through your actions that marriage is a fungible commitment. Remember that you promised your husband and God that you would honor your marriage “for better or for worse”.
Posted at
July 30, 2008 11:58 PM
To the very brave 53 year old woman in her fourth marriage...
I've read and reread your story. I am so sorry for your pain and hope my words have been and will be of some comfort.
I understand first hand what it's like to "feel like the crazy one because I just don't know what to do." What occurs to me is that you're already doing what you need to do.
As you so courageously stated, you've already "turned it over to God." Continue to do so. He will guide you in His wisdom as though you are His only child. Trust Him.
I know it's hard. No matter what path you choose - to stay or to go - it will be hard.
As I said before, circumstances vary greatly. Let me add, heartbreak is heartbreak. I feel yours and hope for your recovery.
I can only repeat what I said in my last comment. Take your time. Pray for patience. Trust that you will be guided. I was and you will be too.
Posted at
July 31, 2008 8:59 PM
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My husband's addiction began long before we ever met. He was exposed to pornography even before he reached puberty, and developed habits that became an addiction and grew as time went on. By the time he met me, my husband was an accomplished liar and very good at portraying himself as a "good boy". Click here to read the entire story...My husband's addiction began long before we ever met. He was exposed to pornography even before he reached puberty, and developed habits that became an addiction and grew as time went on.
By the time he met me, my husband was an accomplished liar and very good at portraying himself as a "good boy". I thought we shared the same values and beliefs and that he was everything I wanted in a husband. We were married in an LDS temple. However, he was living a double life. His addiction had developed into illegal activities - the risk involved was part of the high he craved. He was a "peeping tom" and even tried to make videos of women undressing in their homes.
After 7 years of marriage, my husband confessed to his pornography/masturbation addiction and the years of deception. The story came out in chunks, over several weeks. He was excommunicated from our church. It was like he had dropped a bomb on my head, I was completely devastated by all he told me.
How could I have been so utterly oblivious? I now understood so many things. The first few years of marriage, he would often turn down my sexual advances. (After we started having children I didn't notice it as much, since I was either pregnant or sleep-deprived!) I would notice that he acted upset or angry, yet he would say nothing was wrong. He would often stay up on the computer after I went to bed, saying it was for work or church or just to unwind. I call this "Round 1".
He was very remorseful and promised to change his life. He met with a therapist twice (what a joke!). I focused on trying to deal with the pain and trust him again. I didn't realize that although my husband had radically changed his behavior, he had not altered any of his thoughts, beliefs or desires. Without changing all the things going on in his head, it was only a matter of time before he would relapse.
Four years passed and we had our third child. We then moved across the country, back to my home state. This began "Round 2" - he relapsed in a big way. I became aware that he was viewing pornography again he acted very sorry. But as months went by, the same scenario kept repeating over and over. I would notice he was acting different and ask how he was doing. He would (unconvincingly) reassure me that he was fine. A day or two later, he would confess his latest "episode". But it would never be the whole story. A few more days, and he would reveal the rest of the story. I was always "waiting for the other shoe to drop"...waiting for the truth. He then became more blatant, getting on the computer while I was in the shower or even in another room for a few minutes. I felt like I couldn't leave the house when he was at home, because I knew he would take the opportunity to view online pornography. I started to get a glimpse of his thoughts and beliefs, and it was truly appalling. I could see no indication that his behavior was changing, and decided that I needed to leave him so he would realize the consequences of his actions. But I couldn't figure out the logistics of making it work - I had 3 kids (one was 7 months old) and no means of income.
A few months later, my husband began our church's Addiction Recovery Program. About halfway through the 12 steps, he finally realized how skewed his thinking was and started to make REAL change. After going to church and going through the motions his whole life, he finally put Jesus Christ in charge of his life. It has been about 7 months since he finished the ARP. Our communication is now very open and we periodically discuss "how he is doing". It is a daily struggle, but he is determined to not succumb. I am grateful that I had the strength to make it to this point. I feel like my husband has finally become the person I thought I married 12 years ago! Labels: addiction, children, communication, divorce, emotional pain, family, fathers, internet, lies, Success
Thank you for sharing your story. I am sorry for your years of pain. I sincerely hope that your happy ending sticks and that more of us can have such an ending to the porn phase of our marriage.
Posted at
June 25, 2008 5:05 PM
I am going thr the same thing please pray for me i am so scared
Posted at
June 26, 2008 4:27 PM
Best of wishes to all of you going through this process. No matter the outcome, never forget:
"You are creatures of divinity; you are daughters of the Almighty. Limitless is your opotential. Magnificent is your future."
Posted at
June 26, 2008 6:51 PM
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It really makes me sad to read these stories, but I have felt alone and separated from other women for twenty years. I am glad to know I am not the only one living with this. I got married when I was twenty years old to a member of my church from an active church family. On the surface things seemed great. We were so in love. We decided not to wait to have children and I became pregnant after only three months of marriage. Click here to read the rest of the story... It really makes me sad to read these stories, but I have felt alone and separated from other women for twenty years. I am glad to know I am not the only one living with this.
I got married when I was twenty years old to a member of my church from an active church family. On the surface things seemed great. We were so in love. We decided not to wait to have children and I became pregnant after only three months of marriage.
I worked full time during the day, my husband worked nights. I remember coming home and finding my slip or silky nighties out on the bed. When I asked why, he would just say that he missed me. We HAD to have sex at LEAST once a day, even if I had my period or was sick or exhausted. I was innocent and believed him when he told me this was normal.
I really didn't understand about the masturbating and pornography until right after my daughter was born. Even then he played it off as nothing. It was just because I was so pregnant. It was a lie. I have spent twenty years trying to believe him when he tells me he loves me.
Last fall we had to get a new computer because ours was so over-run with porn. It got so that it popped up all the time. He swore that it was just a virus and he had nothing to do with it. He was always on the computer because he was trying to get RID of the bad stuff. He really believes that it is okay to lie to me. He tells himself he is protecting me. We have four daughters and a son. I have spent my whole life helping protect my husband's lies so they don't know what their father really is.
Whenever I ask how he is doing he lies. If I ask anything in depth he gets angry and distances himself from me emotionally. That's how he punishes me. He has lied to multiple church leaders too. I don't really feel like I can get help anywhere. He denies anything is happening until I catch him in the act.
I'm embarrassed by how pathetic I sound. I am smart, competent and educated. Divorce has just never been an option. I want my kids to have two parents. He is generally a fairly good dad. Also, I know the other man inside of him and he is so tender. He has such profound spiritual thoughts sometimes. He rubs my sore neck everyday. He feels bad when he hurts me.
What do I do? Let's just say that I barely scratched the surface of our story. I feel like I just have to share my life with the filth. I know living with ths has damaged me. I just pray for strength and keep plugging along.Labels: addiction, children, communication, distrust, emotional pain, family, fathers, internet, lies, pornography
I am so sorry for you. I am so sorry for all of us who have felt that our husbands were respectable and honest men. I think for me that is one of the hardest things. I am so sad that my husband has not seen sex and marriage as sacred but it is as hard for me to realize he is comforable being dishonest. He has shown so little respect for me, for women, for his position as a father and husband. My faith has really been tested and I do not know at times what is real and what is a lie. As long as someone chooses to lie about their 'sin' they are not close to being able to overcome or change their behavior. I love my husband and I want him to see the light but I am not willing to pretend that things are good when they are not. I can handle the truth it is the lies that are hurting me and our marriage. Pray for help, stay close to those you can trust and know you have lots and lots of value! You are a child of God who LOVES you!
Posted at
June 18, 2008 12:34 PM
The thing I see you doing is rationalizing his behavior and making excuses for him. He may have a tender side and be occasionally spiritually eloquent, but that does not excuse his dishonest behavior. He is simply making bad choices that are affecting you and your family. That is a difficult truth to accept, but you must do it if any of you are going to come out of this ok. Marriage and families cannot exist where there is lying and dishonesty. Your husband's addiction has taken away his ability to think and act like a rational person, and it is causing you to live in fear. That is not a good environment for children, no matter how you may try to justify it. Your husband needs to bring his addiction into the light and needs to show desire and then action for a full recovery. All of you will continue to suffer until he does this. And unfortunately, if he has no desire to change and will take no action to do so, you will have to start facing the stark reality that divorce is the best way to go. Living with full truth and honesty is the only way to beat addiction. The Lord does not expect people to live with dishonest people who refuse to change. You need to be emotionally healthy for your children's sake, and to feel peace in your own life. Living with a lying addict makes that impossible. Everyone experiences pain, sadness and disappointment, but when it is being inflicted upon you by someone else (your own spouse!) constantly, you have to choose to stop it if the other person will not. The Lord works through light, truth and honesty, and anything else is an unhealthy and unacceptable way to live. Facing the truth is difficult and painful, but in the end, all parties involved will feel peace if they choose to live in the light of truth.
Posted at
June 28, 2008 6:21 PM
I really struggle to find the line between rationalizing for him and just trying to keep my family together. I know so many families that have been so messed up by divorce. I know so many kids that have been damaged by it. They know their dad is different but they don't know why. I have thought a thousand times "I need to leave. I need to leave!", but I have never had support from a church leader to do so. When my husband gets caught he says all the right words. You know what I mean. Then he goes to our church leader and says all the right things. He is an expert at the game. And he seems genuinely sorry. Honestly, I find it pretty confusing. Which Him do I believe? Also, I never prepared to provide for a family. I had this pretty picture in my head of what my life would be. When do you leave?
Posted at
June 30, 2008 3:36 PM
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Reading these stories is comforting knowing that I am not alone. We feel so alone don't we? I have been married for 12 years with 4 children. I suspected pornography use from very early on when my husband insisted sleeping on the couch late at night. I remember him acting very angry at me at times and not really understanding why. He claimed to have issues with the fact that I had a teenage lover at the age of 16 and had come back to our church after looking for repentance and forgiveness. After 2 children I was lying in bed one night and a voice said in my head,"Go look in his bag." Being completely asleep, I hobbled over to find well worn magazines of porn in his bag. That night he finally opened up to me about his addiction to porn and of course the masturbating that goes along with this.
Well time went on and I would occasionally sweetly ask him,"How are you doing with pornography?" He would always reply,"Good." I remember seeing darkness in his face at times and wondering. I would always think that I was being paranoid and judgmental. Wasn't I asking him if he was okay. I even would consciously make sure that I was always initiating in our private life so he would know that this was a place that he could get more love, more attention, more gratification.
Life went on like this for years. Knowing but not understanding what to do about the problem. I had two other children and during the pregnancy of the last,found out the truth about what was really going on. Since, I have learned much about this type of addiction. It can be subtle at times and "hard core" at times. It seems to rotate in cycles. Like circles, round and round it goes. I don't think that he has ever come to me to talk about it.
He has become so desperate to keep the truth that it has grown into this incredible monster that has affected every aspect of our lives. Work, money problems, behavior including depression, never feeling like things are good enough. We have sought out counsel from leaders of our church, even participated in a program to help addicts of sexual addiction. Still he is being "caught."
Funny, just like another post said. I don't even have to try. If enough times passes, I will find him....sneeking. It is more than that. I have young children. They are always doing reports on the internet. A place where he has harbored much of his addiction.
I sit next to them, even with filters and special programs and me right next to them, I am panicking because I am so afraid that they will be exposed. I have been doing this for a solid 8 years now. Just this morning, I found myself for the first time in our marriage, telling him that I couldn't be intimate with him. It honestly made me sick to my stomach. I love so many things about this man but this addiction has made him someone I don't even know anymore.
This is the absolute hardest thing that I have ever been through and am feeling so incredibly alone and scared. I know there are so many out there that are in my same situation. How do I take these beautiful children away from their father? He has expressed anger at me for not wanting to help him through this. He claims that he has tools to deal with this that he learned from these meetings yet it is still going on? Do I hack things out for 3-6 more months? When children are involved it becomes incredibly complicated. HELP-suggestions?Labels: addiction, children, communication, depression, distrust, emotional pain, family, fathers, internet, lies, pornography, spouse
Posted at
May 21, 2008 11:36 AM
My heart goes out to you and your sweet children. I am a young mother and am also constantly stressed about my husband's addiction to pornography. This site has been very helpful in understanding that I am not alone. It has taken more time to understand than I have wanted to give. I too have been at the end of my rope several times with the feeling of mere existance for my children. The main thing I would like to communicate to you is about the addiction recovery meetings. I went with my husband for quite a while, even pushing him out the door many of the nights. -I've gotten more bold during this time of trial and have gotten to understand more meaningS of 'tough love.'I belive this loving boldness will also help me become a better mother.
Anyway, the ARP meetings have literally been a life saver for me. My husband couldn't udnerstand why I wanted to go... I wasn't the one with the problem. Actually, I was sort of hesitant myself... how would I feel? Would I feel uncomfortable? Just the opposite occured. Through the 12 steps that were discussed each meeting, I started to feel hope. I started to understand Christ's Atonement in a way that opened my eyes to goodness again. Goodness knows that I have set boundaries and limits and stuck to them, but those meetings are saving my sanity.
I still feel absolute helplessness at times. I still cry at times. However, I have learned to transfer my pains to the only person who can actually carry them, then learn how to become my best. This is hard. It is the hardest trial I will ever go through. My eternal companion is the most important person in this world to me, but he also has the right to make choices. My personal decisions have been made to go along with the limits. I gave my husband 6 months for my children. I gave my husband only 6 months to safeguard my children. My advice would be this: counsel with your church leaders, pray, and you'll know what to do that is best for your family. My prayers go out to you.
Posted at
May 21, 2008 12:15 PM
I am so sorry for the horror with which you live. You did not choose this but I know how it now colors your whole life. As a woman your reaction is to try to help and nurture your husband. That is so natural and what makes women so wonderful. Families are important and I hope and pray your sweet family makes it.
Here is the thing I have discovered in my similar experience; pornography like any sin is not only about addiction it is all about selfishness. Your husband likely finds ways to justify his addiction. I would ask you to be absolutely crystal clear in your communication with him about what his actions are doing to you. You owe yourself that much. Feel everything you are feeling and pray for help to not only feel all you need to feel but to act appropriately and ultimately forgive.
He needs to see and hear how his actions are affecting you and his children. He is likely so wrapped up in his own selfishness and warped sense of love that he really cannot understand how he has hurt you.
I know from experience the fear that being really expressive of your feelings (all of them not just the angry and negative feelings) may end up making your spouse feel bad or drive him to pornography or make you look foolish and vulnerable. Remember that pornography was his choice. He chooses that filth for you and your whole family. . Addicts love excuses and love to blame the addiction, but in my experience we can all be stronger than our addictions.
Give him a probation if you feel that is important. I would be careful about telling him. That may pit you against him in a way that he feels abandoned already and he will not even try. However it is absolutely right to set parameters of what you are willing to live with and what you can't. Remember too that if you leave him lots of things may get harder. Your children's little worlds will be shattered, you will be even more lonely, you will have less time with your children, and there will be more bad surprises. Your best chance of happiness is to exhaust every hope of him overcoming this problem. It is not a secret that troubled marriages that pull through our much happier than divorce.
You are right to say that you no longer desire intimacy if that is how you feel. You must find honesty in your own life and relationship. Tell him that you need to live in truth and while you see him lusting over and disrespecting the image of womanhood you cannot desire to give yourself to him. This is not being a bad wife, it is being absolutely true in your communications. He owes you the chance to grieve over years of shattered hopes. You have emotional needs too. He also needs to realize sex is a sacred form of communication to you and that while you love and care about him, this is hard right now. It doesn't mean you will never be intimate, but you need some time to trust. Healthy intimacy is all about trusting your partner.
Most importantly pray, pray hard, pray all of the time, and pray expecting the Lord's guidance. He loves you, your children, and your husband.
Posted at
May 21, 2008 2:49 PM
I wanted to share three books that have been extremely helpful.
Confronting Your Spouse's Pornography Problem
by Rory C. Reid
Clean Hands Pure Heart
by Philip A. Harrison
(my husband's favorite)
Lord I Believe, Help Thou Mine Unbelief
by Rod Jeppsen
I have found lots of help and understanding from these books and if a husband has a broken heart he will also want to learn from these authors. If possible try to read them together and I think your spouse will be grateful for the open communication that will follow. Secrets are the fuel that feed this addiction so turn the light on, encourage each other to open up emotionally and peace can follow if both partners are willing!
Posted at
May 22, 2008 11:06 AM
You mentioned that you are a church going family...Has it occurred to you that the sin your husband is perpetrating is not meant to be a personal offense of you, as hurtful and personal as it feels. I know the pain of which you speak. I also know that until your husband is ready to be done with this and realize that his sin, as all of our sin does, is seperating him from God, there is nothing you can say or do that will change his heart. That work has to be done from the inside out and only God can accomplish that. I would urge you to check out the Biblical Counseling Institute website at www.bcinstitute.com, and if/when your husband is ready, ask Dr. Abercrombie if there is someone he can refer him to in your area. The word will convict his heart, and the truth does set you free. I would also encourage you to check out the website and pray about whether it would be good for you to have support from someone trained through the BCI as well. You need to know and be confident in who you are in Him and have support to remind you of that when things seem dark. I am praying for you, your husband and your children. And I am confident that you will find your rest and peace in our Savior and Comforter.
Posted at
June 11, 2008 10:33 AM
BILL OF RIGHTS FOR WIVES OF PORN ADDICTS:
1. You have the right to keep porn out of your home. If he is going to do it, it will have to be away from home. All cable companies allow you to block movies by rating or by channel. You should be the keeper of the password. If he figures it out, change it. If you find his magazines or DVD's you have the right to throw them away. If he does it at night on the computer, discontinue your internet service or install a digital camera that faces the computer screen. If he has a problem with this tell him it is offensive and degrading to you and you won't allow it in your home, and you are taking precautions to ensure that it stays out. If he gets upset, too bad, he'll get over it.
2. You have the right to expect kindness and courtesy from him, no matter how bad his addiction is. When you see that "dark look," expect some chauvinistic treatment, but don't let it pass. Call him on it politely and lovingly. i.e. "I don't feel comfortable around you right now so I'm going to take a walk," or "Why did you use that tone of voice?" or "Why did you say such a mean thing?" or "Why did you think it was okay to do that?" As you learn to stand up to him assertively (but not aggressively) he will become more respectful, and more sure of his behavior boundaries.
3. You have the right to protect your children from porn at any cost. Set rules about what movies your family will see. When our kids were little it was only G and PG. Now that they are young adults it's PG-13, but no R's or X's. Keep in mind that if you were to divorce then your husband would get visitation rights and would be alone with your children and may expose them to porn. It may be better to tough it out until they are older.
4. You have the right to "Just Say No" to things he wants to do sexually which you find degrading or uncomfortable. Tell him, "Sorry, I won't enjoy that. Can we try this..?" You have the right to enjoy sex with him in order to fulfill your owm needs. Remember that it's his problem, not yours. He is the guilty one, not you. Married sex is not a crime or an addiction, it's an act of love that is healthy for both of you. If he gets rough or careless, tell him gently and immediately, or move his hand. If he does it more than once, end the sex and tell him it's uncomfortable. You have the right to insist on comfortable and enjoyable sex. If he gets upset, too bad. He'll get over it.
5. You have the right to politely require him to come out of his selfish little universe and think of his family. Set a weekly family time that can only be overidden in emergencies. Do what your family likes to do, and let him know you expect him to participate. Tell him, "This is what loving fathers do who care about their wives and children."
6. You have the right to ask him to leave if he won't agree to your rules. You can say, "YOu can stay here and do these rules or you can leave. You can come back any time you want to help me keep a loving home for our children. 99.99 % of husbands will do your rules rather than leave. Most men merely threaten divorce to get their way. If he says he wants to leave, say, "If you must, then go, but know that you are abandoning your wife and children." Tell him you expect him to continue to support you and the kids while living somewhere else. He will most likely back down. It takes courage to do this, but most wives find that they have no choice.
7. You have the right to be happy in spite of his bad choices. Cultivate good friends, hobbies that you enjoy, read books you like, etc. If he chooses to behave like an idiot, that's his problem, not yours.
8. You have the right to focus on his good qualities instead of his glaringly bad one. Most porn addicts are good fathers and good providers, but lousy husbands. Be thankful that he is employed, and that he doesn't beat you or the kids, and demand some personal attention now and then. If you divorce him you have only a 50% chance of finding a decent man who is not a porn addict, because 50% or more of men are just that.
9. You have the right to expect him to make it up to you. Expensive gifts, (if he can afford it) like a new car, or new appliances, can go a long way towards his effort to demonstrate that he still loves you in spite of his problem. If he doesn’t have money then backrubs, walks, and letting you choose what you’ll watch on TV can also help.
10. You have the right to ask him now and then how he is progressing in his fight to give up porn. If he doesn’t want to talk about it then he is probably still doing it, but this lets him know that you expect him to keep on trying to someday give women the respect they deserve. For more info visit www.Kidsread.net.
Posted at
June 11, 2008 6:55 PM
Your story mirrors mine. However, one vital difference is that my husband ended up molesting our eldest child as she hit puberty. He was prosecuted and went to prison for child sexual abuse. In discussing this with him after my daughter disclosed what happened, he admitted that he could not differentiate her from other "women." The depths of evil that had overtaken this once good man was devastating. Saddest of all was that I had truly loved him. He repaid that love by destroying his family, even after begging him repeatedly for nearly 15 years to get help for his pornography addiction. Be alert and protect your children, first and foremost. I didn't believe my husband capable of such an evil act, but I underestimated the power of porn.
Posted at
June 11, 2008 10:05 PM
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How do I begin? Many things have happened throughout our marriage. My husband have repeatedly tried to leave the marriage. The last time he tried, I accepted his decision. But then he decided to stay. Is it permanent? I don't have that answer. I was told many times that I did not have the nice beautiful body that guys desire. Why didn't I leave him for making me feel ugly, for insulting me? The best answer that I can give right now is - after a while, I believe him. One of our problems right now is his addiction to online pornography. He is no longer interested in having sex with me. Our sex life has always been an issue. I always felt inferior to the pictures in his magazines and other women that he knows. I want to get some professional help. But, it's hard to find good help in this matter where we live. So, I decided to write here instead. It helps me to imagine that someone is listening to me. I desperately need to share the pain and sadness that I feel inside with somebody, anybody! I welcome any advise or comment. I hope to be able to write again soon. Labels: addiction, communication, depression, distrust, pornography, spouse
The proffessional person t help you is you.
One is to change the way you have decided to look at yourself because of how your husband looks at you and keeps comparing you. Its hard i know but possible and it begins from you inside.Start looking at your self not incomparison to the pictures its a slow process but slowly you will overcome the inferiosity part of you and you will be able to help your husband look at you the way you look at your self and also appreciate you.
Posted at
April 23, 2008 10:32 AM
The fact that he stayed when you accepted him to leave and he came back shows he loves you and you could make your marriage better if you could start looking at you self as something of value a TREASURE and that will help him drop his comparisons and focus on you because you love yourself.
its all in your mind and all you have to do is have a positive mind set.
Posted at
April 23, 2008 10:38 AM
Thank you for sharing some of your experience with your husband and pornography. I am so sorry as I am sure many who have been able to read your message. I have been so so sad this past year for similiar reasons. I lost a bunch of weight from feeling so overwhelmed and rejected by my husband's choices. I am 46 so it is difficult to feel adequate when I am aware of all the 'other' woman he enjoys dreaming about. Time has helped and pray, scripture study and a good friend/listening ear has made all the difference for me. There is a spiritual reality that is so different than the carnal world some men choose to dwell on. Good Luck! As woman we need to love and support each other. Unfortunately I have come to understand that LOTS OF WOMAN SHARE THIS BURDEN!
Posted at
May 2, 2008 8:16 PM
My heart goes out to you for your trials with your husband. Pornography is an addiction and it will be very difficult for your husband to abandon this addiction without a desire to do so and some good help along the way. My husband has this addiction and I don't believe he will ever be able to abandon it completely, but he has never wanted to leave our marriage - I was the one to do that. After I learned about the effect his addiction has had on our children (who are all adults now), I became so angry that I left him for about 1 1/2 years. Through counseling and soul searching and the power of God, I finally came to a point where I was able to forgive him. I am now 62 years old and we are together again. He is a good man who happens to have an addiction to pornography. I still love him, but in a different way than I did when we were first married.
May God watch over you and help you to be able to deal with your situation. You are cherished by Him and He loves you more than you can even imagine, and He wants you to be happy.
Posted at
June 11, 2008 10:38 AM
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I am dating someone who is fighting an addiction to pornography that developed during childhood. Luckily he has targeted it as a problem and realizes he needs to overcome it in order to view women respectfully and experience healthy love. In the meantime, we are being sure to live chastely so that the poison doesn't manifest itself in our relationship. He communicates honestly about it with me, and is slowly but surely becoming stronger in resisting the temptations. I have faith we will have a pornography-free relationship one day so that we can value each other for our true worth in marriage. Labels: communication, honesty, Success
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