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I am a 53 year old woman who is on her fourth marriage. I have been married for eight years. I had four children at home and thought I had met my prince charming, finally. I now only have one son who is seventeen. I confronted my husband about pornography and masturbation two years ago. I don't know, it just came out of me. He did not deny it and said he felt guilty. He would always want me to do things that didn't quite feel right. We separated for about six weeks. As this was not my first marriage and I loved him - I told him I did not want a divorce. He said he would "try" harder not to go there. But time after time he would return. I am a 53 year old woman who is on her fourth marriage. I have been married for eight years. I had four children at home and thought I had met my prince charming, finally. I now only have one son who is seventeen.
I confronted my husband about pornography and masturbation two years ago. I don't know, it just came out of me. He did not deny it and said he felt guilty. He would always want me to do things that didn't quite feel right. We separated for about six weeks. As this was not my first marriage and I loved him - I told him I did not want a divorce. He said he would "try" harder not to go there. But time after time he would return.
In the last 3-6 months I have been closer emotionally and intimately with him. Things have changed a little for the better in some areas. I know pornography is an intimacy issue for them. My husband was horribly abused as a child and forced to do awful things. I am a Christian woman so I decided to turn it over to God. In some of our intimate talks he has stated he did not know "why" he does it. He did do some counseling (about 6 sessions). They informed him of how devastating this is to your wife and family. I have seen him be in his own world - like he is not present in the moment and can also be very grumpy.
He has changed a lot but after two years and broken promises he has not "CHOSEN" to deal with this problem and when the stresses of life become to difficult that is where he goes - to fantasy. Recently I gave him an ultimatum. It was me or "IT". He moved out.
I cried for three days. My clergy said not to give up hope - as he had come in to discuss the problem with him. He told me he said he knew he needed to deal with the problem. That was about a week ago. He came back just a few days later needing sex and stayed.
I feel like the crazy one because I just don't know what to do. Today I told him this was not what I signed up for. He spent the day with himself (which is how they cope with the shame and the guilt) and said he felt obligated to come home and spend some time with me.
Last evening he told me "he was messed up" and wanted to talk to me but when he came home there was no talking. He looked exhausted and just went to sleep. It is hell for them too if they have a conscious. I told him I deserved better and not to do me any favors. He should want to be with me no matter what. I told him my life was a living hell with him. I don't sleep. This drives me crazy. I appreciate someone else's story as I know what they have gone through and their is hope in the future for me and my life. Labels: addiction, communication, distrust, divorce, emotional pain, pornography, sexual abuse
Thank you for sharing your story. It is so brave and helpful of you. There are so many of us who hurt and it helps to feel that we are not alone. I am so sorry for your pain. I admire your commitment to your marriage. I hope it is rewarded with a happy ending. However it goes I hope you know that his problem is not about you and it is not something that you can fix. That is entirely up to him. I hope for the happiness of you both that he will be able to have a complete and full change of heart. May God speak peace to your heart and sustain you at this time.
Posted at
July 24, 2008 12:31 AM
I empathize with your story, I do. But remember that he isn't the only one on trial. Life is difficult and every person on this earth has a vice - his happens to be a horribly addictive one, but no less gripping than perhaps your own secret vices. He has likely grown an addiction as a coping mechanism to deal with stress and medicate his shame. It is a sad addiction because it feeds off human nature and the mind is itself a stage, a client and a pharmacy.
If you want to help him, don't judge him, castigate, or give desperate ultimatums . . . just love him . . . try to understand him. As much as it hurts to realize, his addiction isn’t about you or your rejection, it’s about his profound personal loss of self. Ask yourself if you hurt for yourself or do you hurt for your husband who has lost his way. Your answer is the key to true recovery. Instead of focusing on your offended sensibilities and rejection, help him understand himself. While he makes the decisions as to his agency, you play an important role in his ability to overcome. Don’t ever forget that the addiction lies in the secret and the shame. And I believe you inadvertently cast shame on him by some of the things you said about him in your letter. Moreover, when you married him you did sign up for whatever came at you (through thick and thin, better or worse). That is the marriage covenant you made.
Lastly, as a coping mechanism I suggest you and your husband fight the pornography industry. Spend your energy not emotionally crucifying your husband who is as much a victim as you but exert that energy by fighting the source of that insidious addiction. As you and your husband spend your time better understanding the addiction and fighting the source you may both find healing. He may finally see the lie within the lie and you may see him for who he is; a desperately struggling son of God who needs love and encouragement . . . not once, or twice or 100 times . . . but as long as it takes even if it’s forever. If God won’t give up on us, why on earth do you think you have the right to give up on someone? This problem of pornography is a test for you as much as your husband. The real question is will you step up to the plate and help him win the battle or will you be another pathetic statistic of defeat (both for yourself and him)?
Posted at
July 30, 2008 11:46 AM
Let yourself be guided. You are the expert on your marriage. You, and only you, know how much you're willing and able to take.
I chose to divorce my addicted husband after 17 years of marriage. It was the right choice. It was also the most difficult choice I've ever had to make.
Circumstances vary greatly. No one can know what is right for you but you. Trust yourself.
I'm all for fighting the porn industry, but you have four children. I have three. They are my first priority. When I realized that divorce in my particular circumstances would minimize consequences for my children, I moved fearlessly forward.
I still feel love for my ex husband. Because I chose to divorce him, it certainly doesn't mean that I've given up on him.
The best advice I can offer you is take your time. Pray for patience.
If you are guided to divorce like I was, please don't see yourself as "another pathetic statistic of defeat." Sometimes divorce is the most loving thing we can do.
Trust that you will be guided.
Posted at
July 30, 2008 2:00 PM
I was the author of the “I empathize with your story” comment . . .
When you have children you are no longer your own . . . that is certain. Yet, imagine telling your son or daughter that you are no longer going to be their parent because they’re into drugs, alcohol or pornography. Would you give up on them? Would it be a “loving thing to do” to leave them to fight it out on their own because it offended you or you were tired? When you get married and have children you both have a responsibility to work things out. Divorce is the quintessential cop-out strategy of this generation. It has become the primary solution to problems people don’t want to face or solve. Certainly I believe divorce can justified when a man or woman is physically abusive, oppressive or threatens the safety of you or your children. But if a man’s troubles are confined to viewing pornography and he feels shame and self-hatred and desperately wants to overcome it, you owe it to him and your children to be bigger than his addiction.
If you truly understand the addiction you’ll realize that relapse is not only common, but to be expected. Make no mistake, the journey is a long and difficult road – so don’t deceive yourself into thinking he’ll completely beat it in a year or even 5. Recovery is as unique as the individual who’s addicted. It may be the battle of a lifetime. And perhaps the litmus test for you determine his sincerity is whether he keeps trying (trying and succeeding are not the same). And if he stumbles, it’s not your privilege to kick him while he’s down. What if the tables were turned and he did that to you? Moreover, it would be a grave mistake to think that if he relapses he is in effect saying that he doesn’t love you. This is likely the furthest thing from the truth. Remember that the addiction is larger than the two of you combined. It will take great effort. But it will be worth it. Don’t let pornography beat you both and separate you.
I agree with the above writer inasmuch as you must trust yourself. But be sure your reasons are truly justifiable. Hurt feelings aren’t a good enough reason to destroy a family. I’m not sure what the author of “Let yourself be guided” was going through, but my guess is that she was counseled to divorce her husband on grounds OTHER than pornography. So it would be helpful for her to either be more detailed in her grounds for divorce lest you get confused and think that her veiled circumstances are equal to your own or not suggest that her circumstances are on par with yours.
There is no benevolence in divorce – not ever. It is either a desperate escape from eminent danger (which is justified) or it is defeatism – nothing in between. I don’t mean to offend you, but if your only grounds for divorce are his “viewing pornography” you are weaker than your husband and you have let pornography beat the two of you. Stand and fight for what you and your husband have tried to build! He is sick, he needs help, not abandonment. He most certainly needs help beyond your capacity to help him – and that is quite normal. You will teach him little (if anything) by abandoning him – and will inadvertently show your children through your actions that marriage is a fungible commitment. Remember that you promised your husband and God that you would honor your marriage “for better or for worse”.
Posted at
July 30, 2008 11:58 PM
To the very brave 53 year old woman in her fourth marriage...
I've read and reread your story. I am so sorry for your pain and hope my words have been and will be of some comfort.
I understand first hand what it's like to "feel like the crazy one because I just don't know what to do." What occurs to me is that you're already doing what you need to do.
As you so courageously stated, you've already "turned it over to God." Continue to do so. He will guide you in His wisdom as though you are His only child. Trust Him.
I know it's hard. No matter what path you choose - to stay or to go - it will be hard.
As I said before, circumstances vary greatly. Let me add, heartbreak is heartbreak. I feel yours and hope for your recovery.
I can only repeat what I said in my last comment. Take your time. Pray for patience. Trust that you will be guided. I was and you will be too.
Posted at
July 31, 2008 8:59 PM
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My husband is a sex addicted. I discovered his addiction nine months ago. I was checking our account I found out a big transfer of money to our credit card. I was curious about it. There were several purchases on the credit card to a Spa service. It was by my house and I went down there to check out about the place and why my husband paid $200 dollars just two days previously. (read the rest of the story... click here)My husband is a sex addicted. I discovered his addiction nine months ago. I was checking our account I found out a big transfer of money to our credit card. I was curious about it. There were several purchases on the credit card to a Spa service. It was by my house and I went down there to check out about the place and why my husband paid $200 dollars just two days previously.
My heart was broken in millions of pieces, when I saw the girl that worked at the place. I was devastated to talk to them. They told me my husband was a regular customer for parlor massages. I looked all over my house but found nothing. No magazines, no other evidence.
After a check of the computer I found it was in full of porn. I called my husband to confront him, he didn't deny it, he told me the truth. He had been paying for prostitutes for three years. It was so painful that almost left him on the spot.
He promised he would look for help and is seeing a therapist and is involved in a 12 step recovery program for sex addicts. On his own word he has been "sober" since that day.
It is been hard for me and my child. He is doing well not to look at the computer at home. But my thoughts about his betrayal, that he slept with numerous girls during those three years is killing my love for him. He says he will not do it again he will be faithful to me and be a great dad. But my trust is gone, because he acts like nothing happened. He said to me "you can leave the past in the past and enjoy the present".
I do not how to deal with my pain, I’m doing everything for my baby because I grew up in house with out a father I don’t one my son to grow up with out one. I’m scared because we have to move to different country and I’m not sure that he will really change. I don’t what to do? Do I leave with him or get divorce and continue my life alon? Labels: addiction, adultery, children, depression, distrust, divorce, emotional pain, fathers, financial, internet, lies, pornography, prostitution, sexual addiction, unfaithful, young mothers
Wow, what a tough situation. You have to do what you really feel deep down will be best. If I were in your situation though, I don't think I'd trust him enough to leave the country with him, especially since he seems to show no remorse for his actions. You can raise your baby to be happy and nurtured as a single mom. Many women do it.
Like I said, look deep down and decide if you still love and can trust him anymore. God bless you, I hope everything will turn out well.
Posted at
July 9, 2008 9:51 AM
I was involved in a similar situation. I chose to stay with him for several years. I found that he never changed his ways, he just became more secretive. He would keep assuring me that there were, "no more secrets."
Finally, after years of punishing myself in this situation, I gained the strength to make him leave. I got myself checked for STD's and started taking care of myself because I had spent every waking hour fully financially supporting him (and his addiction, it turns out) and worrying myself.
Four years later, I find myself quite happy. I took an entire year off from dating any man, as I needed time for myself and I needed to get my head on straight so I would have the confidence to make an appropriate decision in another husband.
Well, I have found him. I can not tell you the blessings I have had in my life with an honest, clean man. We are very open with each other, and he treats me like a queen. I know by how he looks at me, and treats me that he truely loves me (that wasn't the case before). Marriage is never without its trials, but they are so much easier if both partners value faithfullness.
It was hard to end the marriage at first, because I did not have the self esteem, but it was well worth it! I have taken all that worry time, traveled the world, and I am now venturing on a new degree!
Life is never withouth trials, but it is a whole lot of fun if you have a loyal, loving, partner!
In fact, last week, after speaking at a public event, somebody in the community (who knew my x and I) told my father how impressed he was with how I turned out dispite the terrible things that had happened to me. I take pride in working hard to get to this point. I am respected, and I deserve it. You and your child deserve it too.
Posted at
July 9, 2008 11:06 AM
I am so sorry for how your husband has betrayed you. He should be sorry too. If he is not, that may be part of your answer. Have you explained your feelings? You need him to know how he has hurt you. This pain will not go away for a long time if you stay with him. It will be painful if you leave too. I am not saying you should leave or stay...only you can decide that, but if you stay his very presence will tear at your heart. If he cares about you or is sorry he should respect that and feel horrible .
Is there any way you could stay where you are or near friends and family with the baby while he leaves? You will need a lot of support at a time like this. Do you have any? Leaving your friends and loved ones now will put you in an even more vulnerable position. You are important and so are your feelings. How do you want your son's Mother to be treated? May God bless you with strength of conviction and peace of mind. I pray that you will see your own incredible value as a Mother, as a woman, and as a child of God.
Posted at
July 9, 2008 11:16 AM
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I met my now husband when I was only 14. I was a virgin and he is the only man I have ever known. I have been faithful for 25 years. I learned about sex from him and always trusted him. For years he has accused me of cheating and doing horrible things. 22 years into our marriage I saw a Maury show where they took lie detector test to prove they had been faithful. I arranged to take the test from an ex-FBI examiner to put an end to his paranoid accusations. I took the test and went through disgusting questions that were a violation of my private life. Of course I passed the test with flying colors. I did this for his happiness to prove my loyalty. I was wrong. ( read the entire entry... click here) I met my now husband when I was only 14. I was a virgin and he is the only man I have ever known. I have been faithful for 25 years. I learned about sex from him and always trusted him.
For years he has accused me of cheating and doing horrible things. 22 years into our marriage I saw a Maury show where they took lie detector test to prove they had been faithful. I arranged to take the test from an ex-FBI examiner to put an end to his paranoid accusations. I took the test and went through disgusting questions that were a violation of my private life. Of course I passed the test with flying colors. I did this for his happiness to prove my loyalty.
After innocently looking through our storage building, I found loads of pornography with titles like "tasty little teens". I was devastated and then it all made sense to me how I was subjected to the accusations he was making. It was because of HIS own dirty mind that he could come up with these horrible things I was doing.
I didn't know what to do at first and I didn't confront him. I just watched his behavior and found him spending countless hours in the tool shed and last minute"I don't feel like going" to my daughters school functions. He would make big plans with us and then back out at the very last minute to stay home.
Finally, I lost it and confronted him. Of course, he promised to quit and threw it all away. I've caught him accidentally a hundred times since then and now he gets angry and says hes a grown man he should be able to look. I don't stop him but he still hides it and lies.
The thing is he's changed the way I see him. I used to think he was my light and the most wonderful man even though he accused me a lot. I thought that was just low self worth. I wish I could see him the way I used to but I cant and that's the real shame. Now I think 'dirty old man" or pervert.
I cant make love to him without thinking about my disgust for him. It is almost like rape because I don't want him to touch me and now I find myself longing for another man. This is what he has done. I hope other men read this and heed their wives warning the first time. Its too late for us. Just keep in mind she can love you for pure quality and you can ruin that and there is no getting back innocence you thought you shared. Labels: addiction, depression, devestation, distrust, emotional pain, fathers, pornography
I am sorry for how your many years in this relationship have turned out. You deserved better. You need to do what is best for you now. If he is unwilling to change what can you do? While I am sure his self esteem is low, I would imagine yours is too. ( And both of these problems are his fault). Look at the humilitions you have endured for him already. He has had the nerve to accuse you?
What would you want your daughter to do in a similar situation? Every woman deserves to be the only woman involved in her & her husband's love life. If he is unwilling to look to you and only you for his sexual pleasure, he is being unfaithful to you.
I am not saying your marriage cannot be saved, but he needs to be willing to change and if he wont you have the right to be treated with honesty and respect. Good luck. I pray that your future will be happier than your past.
Posted at
July 9, 2008 11:27 AM
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I've known my husband since high school when we were in the ROTC together. We started dating just two days after meeting. He had the most beautiful smile. It was literally love at first sight. He treated me like a queen. Years later, after having had to move due to my dad's job, I came back to town we started dating again and got married. We were 20 years old. My marriage shortly after came tumbling down and fast. My heart felt shipwrecked still is and I feel so alone. He started the porn during the first 5 to 6 months of our marriage. Right after I had a miscarriage. I was so angry and upset as I had found his history of pornography on the computer THE VERY DAY WE LOST OUR CHILD!! ( click here to read the entire story) I've known my husband since high school when we were in the ROTC together. We started dating just two days after meeting. He had the most beautiful smile. It was literally love at first sight. He treated me like a queen.
Years later, after having had to move due to my dad's job, I came back to town we started dating again and got married. We were 20 years old. My marriage shortly after came tumbling down and fast. My heart felt shipwrecked still is and I feel so alone.
He started the porn during the first 5 to 6 months of our marriage. Right after I had a miscarriage. I was so angry and upset as I had found his history of pornography on the computer THE VERY DAY WE LOST OUR CHILD!!
Promises promises broken broken weeks to months to years of false promises lies, betrayal. He was addicted to all kinds of pornography like hentai, japanese anime cartoons having sex (I never even knew that existed!!). Not long after I confronted him. Then the abuse started.
I was eight months pregnant with our daughter when I told him I wanted the pornography out of our house! He grew furious and drug me across the floor with a trash bag in my hand and forced me to throw them away as he said he wasn't going to do it himself. I got slapped, pushed, shook.
I was so scared for my child I just knew I was going to miscarry. This abuse continued off and on for over a year or two. Even after my daughter was born. I remember he'd chase after us once and I locked her and myself up in our bedroom as he punched the door open like freaking Jack Nicholson with his axe in the Shining.
It was then that I realized my husband had a real problem pornography that was making him violent, angry, and controlling. I thought, this was not the man I married... but he was, I just never knew it.
We had agreed before we married that there would be no pornography in our marriage and no abuse as I told him I'd never marry a man whom treated a woman with such disrespect. I was wrong. So wrong, so dumb. I felt like a dog, a loser. The man that had sworn to protect me to honor me and love me was abusing me.
Then he would tell me that I wanted TOO MUCH SEX!! What? A husband complaining that his wife wanted to much sex? Months would go by when I realized it was he that wanted too much sex. But just not with me. There was even an incident where I was with my two year old daughter and caught him in the parking lot masturbating.
The last incident I came home after buying his birthday gift. He had got around the parent control system I'd set up and watched videos of lesbians while my two year old was up and HOME WITH HIM. She was taking a bath while he was doing this!
I was so angry. Worse, I found out that he'd been doing this for two weeks maybe more with me sitting right next to him or while I was working out in the very same room. Only two feet away from me and he was looking at this. I want to leave but then don't it's so hard we have two little girls.
He has not abused me in 4 years, but the porn continues. I'm falling apart. Feel so alone. So ugly I find myself making myself sick from working out so hard now and not eating. I never thought I was fat or ugly until the porn images in my head. I know I'm not suppose to blame myself and to know it isn't my fault. But I can't help it. He does this knowing I'll leave him for it.
He's made blood oaths. He's got down on his hands and knees and begs me to stay. Though he always goes back to pornography, promise after promise. I feel mocked as he does this when I told him how it makes me feel less of a woman. I feel cheated on every time.
I want my life back to be myself again to be happy and prideful of my husband but how can I be if I can't trust a word that comes from his mouth. The irony is I asked him how he would feel if I was like these girls that put themselves on the internet. He said he'd leave me if I ever did that. What is the difference? Why is it OK for other women but not his own wife? Why is it hot and sexy for them but I dare not go out even in a gown on my front porch without seemingly being a slut though secretly he is attracted to these kind of women.
He's also admitted that if I looked at other naked guys he'd feel the same why as me? REALLY? Then why keep doing me this way why risk losing everything you have for minutes of pleasure compared to a lifetime of joy of knowing you have a wife and kids that love you more than anything in this world.
I've always been able to pick myself up from this to believe I don't deserve this that I am better than this and etc etc. But now? After 6 years of lies, betrayal so many bad memories erasing the good? I know men and some women that don't consider pornography wrong or cheating. But I ask how is it not? Your imagining sex with someone other than your spouse. At times you choose it over your spouse. It causes self esteems to be crushed, broken families, depression. Not to mention it makes the most sincere, sweetest men into total pigs, violent, controlling.
This was really hard to write and I'm at a loss. I know I'm not the only woman out there suffering day by day but at times it feels like it. Any woman going through this knows entirely what I mean... My heart and prayers for you all as I live this every day.
The most I fear for is my children through this all. What is it showing them? And if I leave I'm breaking my family apart taking them away from their daddy. But if I stay will he ever ever do as he says? Or will I stay only to realize I'm just making things worse by staying for myself and my kids and even for him? I'm I sitting myself up again to get hurt by the man I've known nearly half my life as my best friend, lover and now husband and father of my beautiful girls. This is what goes through my mind constantly every day.
Supposedly, he went two years with no porn at all!. Just 2 weeks ago was the incident with him on the computer and my daughter in the bathtub! I've got to put my kids first and him last... And that is my choice it is how it should be. As he is not my responsibility but they are and they are my world. Labels: addiction, adultery, children, depression, distrust, divorce, fathers, internet, physical abuse, pornography, sexual abuse
I am so sorry that you have gone through so much heartache. You are not alone. I have no answers for you but I want you to know that your reaction to pornography is the right one. It is poison that is killing everything it touches.
While most of our culture sits around blind to what Porn is doing to us a few of us are waking up to the horror. Pornography has done so much damage to women. We are putting all of our self worth in the basket that is filled by how attractive we are to others. And who could blame us? How many women are going through painful surgeries, starving themselves and worse just to look right for some looser in love with touched up fake women on line?
Our husbands views of women is a terrible message to your daughters, to mine, and to you and me. Here we are, there are no easy answers but you are right to protect your daughters and you are right try to live a life as far away as you can get from porn. Good luck, God Bless you and do what you need to protect your daughters. In my case it means staying...Be careful and if he hurts you again, please get away from him and turn him in. You deserve to be safe and your daughters should never see their mother treated so badly.
Posted at
June 25, 2008 4:55 PM
I am so sorry for what you've gone through. I experienced some of the same, but from the view that your children will. My father was addicted to porn, and he molested my sister and I, and beat my brothers all the time. It tore us apart as kids. We were actually really glad when my mom finally was able to kick my "father" out for good. I haven't had any contact with him since the divorce 10 years ago, and that is my choice. I will do everything I have to do to protect my daughters from that monster. I encourage you to get away from your husband. If the pornography isn't enough, the physical abuse should be. He sounds really violent. I really think it would be better for your children in the long run. I've gone through a lot of counseling to get over the things I experienced growing up, and I am glad I've been able to work through them. The longer that your children are exposed to his violence the more it will impact them. For now, I really suggest that you try not to leave your kids alone with him. You don't want them to become victims at his hands. Good luck, and may the Lord help you through this.
Posted at
June 25, 2008 6:34 PM
I have deep sympathy for you and your children (the miscarriage also). I would like to gently bring something to your attention. You stated in your article that he has not abused you for 4 years - then you go on to say that you feel poorly about yourself.....
I have been in this situation also. Not until years later, after separating myself from him and surrounding myself with people who thought highly of me, did I regain my self esteem. The reason that you feel so bad is NOT because of you or any of your decisions or any of your actions. You are still being severely emotionally abused. We women of porn-addictive spouses develop a lot of ways that allow us to continue to be abused.
I do not know if you believe in a higher being (or if you are religious)but, this quote helped me understand something that I didn't understand while in a porn-infested relationship. This is regarding women/girls: "There has come to you as your birthright something beautiful and sacred and divine. Never forget that. Your Eternal Father is the great Master of the universe. He rules over all, but He also will listen to your prayers as His daughter and hear you as you speak with Him. He will answer your prayers. He will not leave you alone."
If you have any religious belief in a higher being that can help you know what to do..... pray, meditate, and have the courage to do what is right. That higher being does not want women to be abused, used, neglected, or sad. That higher being will help you have the strength to help yourself and your children. If you don't have confidence in yourself, have confidence in that higher being to escort you out of the darkness of pornography into a fun, happy, and exciting life. My life is full of beauty and blessings after four years of recovering from the abuse. (Not easy, but well-worth it).
Posted at
June 26, 2008 6:42 PM
I'm very sorry for this torture that you are enduring. Pornography is such a poison, and has hurt so many families, mine included. I can relate to your hurt and disgust.
I've been attending a support group, it's put on by my church, but there are others there that go to SANON meetings. It's like ALANON. It's specifically for sex addicts families, spouses. I've found it IMMENSELY HELPFUL.
Posted at
June 27, 2008 12:58 AM
I want my life back too. My husband has never been violent with me. But I found out 3 weeks ago about his porn addiction that had been going on for at least 10 months. He started just days after our 2nd wedding anniversary.He would do it while I was at work, he was supposed to be watching our son, instead he would spend hours looking at porn on-line.
We have talked and he says he is insecure with himself and that he was doing it so he could last longer with me. This makes no sense to me. I realized when I found out about his problem that was why I no longer enjoyed sex with him and explained why I felt like he was just having sex with me to have sex, instead of making love to me like he used to.
I also know that I cannot blame myself. I still feel alone and betrayed, after all looking at other women is not being faithful to me his wife. The way I see it is that he broke his wedding vows. I am lost and do not know how to get over this pain and lonliness or how to trust him. I know he is trying to make me feel loved, but he over looks the liitle things like an extra hug or the focus on me. He does the things I ask him to I feel I should not have to tell my husband how to show me he loves me. Just yesterday he told me that the simple things I need to see him do to show his love are not that simple. I don't know what to think of that just that comment crushed any hope I had for him.
Before we got married we promised to never get divorced and I know we will get through this and be stronger but I feel like he takes me for granted and I don't know how to get over that I feel like he has torn our family apart.
Posted at
June 27, 2008 5:23 PM
I feel so terrible for you. My husband also is addicted to porn and will do anything to watch it. he has bought dvd recorders, gotten new cable boxes, and anything else he can do to watch it. I didn't have a horrible problem with it until I found a tape he had made without my knowledge. Not only was I on there but most of the tape was me unconcious while he was raping and sodimizing me. It is horrible. Like you I know my husband is not this person (or at least I thought so.) I want to leave but I don't know how. I wish that men could never hurt women like they do.
Posted at
June 28, 2008 8:09 PM
I know what you are going through.I am there with you.I do consider porn a form of adultry.I have fought the urge to leave for years.I have starved myself and cried myself to sleep.He has promised to give it up anf threw it away and I slowly go back to trusting him but not anymore.I will never trust him and now I just believe no matter what he says that he watches porn.It has ruined our sex life but most of all it changed how I look at him.He gets angry too when he is caught and tries to change it around on me and now there is resentment not because he looks at porn but because its the only thing I have ever asked him to give up for me and he cant do it.I have give up anything he has ever asked not because it was wrong but because it was important to him as a a show of undying love.I cant do that anymore and that is a shame .Now i ignore his whining about what I do and just continue .I dont see us together in the future.i try to picture it wihtout him.I am only still with him until my daughter leaves for college and I can get things in order.I know some would view this as wrong but I have to do it this way for my sanity.He becomes overwhelmingly controlling if he thinks I havent let it go.I dont know if you can get your life back the way you knew it.You can accept the changes and make a new life or find the life you want for yourself.My husband thinks there is nothing wrong with it and I am wrong for trying to control what a 50 yr. old man views but as with you he controls everything I wear in public and I believe his perverted ideas are because of porn.I am not an addict and will no longer let someone elses addiction control my world.
Posted at
July 7, 2008 11:23 AM
I understand how it hurts and the same thing happened to me and I could not ever get my trust back again.It hurts and you hope he will stop but most likely he wont.I took my 7 year old daughter and left.I am much happier now and have met a wonderful man who respects me and treats us like we should be treated.Porn is a way of cheating allthough many women enjoy it,as well,I find it nasty and sick.I love sex but have always been strong on my dislike for porn or magazines.Just remember you should never be jealous because they are phony and airbrushed and made up and you are real and what this whole porn issue is,is disrespect not jealousy.He is a cheater and you are better then that.Good luck and I will pray for your strength young lady.
Posted at
July 8, 2008 12:47 AM
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My husband's addiction began long before we ever met. He was exposed to pornography even before he reached puberty, and developed habits that became an addiction and grew as time went on. By the time he met me, my husband was an accomplished liar and very good at portraying himself as a "good boy". Click here to read the entire story...My husband's addiction began long before we ever met. He was exposed to pornography even before he reached puberty, and developed habits that became an addiction and grew as time went on.
By the time he met me, my husband was an accomplished liar and very good at portraying himself as a "good boy". I thought we shared the same values and beliefs and that he was everything I wanted in a husband. We were married in an LDS temple. However, he was living a double life. His addiction had developed into illegal activities - the risk involved was part of the high he craved. He was a "peeping tom" and even tried to make videos of women undressing in their homes.
After 7 years of marriage, my husband confessed to his pornography/masturbation addiction and the years of deception. The story came out in chunks, over several weeks. He was excommunicated from our church. It was like he had dropped a bomb on my head, I was completely devastated by all he told me.
How could I have been so utterly oblivious? I now understood so many things. The first few years of marriage, he would often turn down my sexual advances. (After we started having children I didn't notice it as much, since I was either pregnant or sleep-deprived!) I would notice that he acted upset or angry, yet he would say nothing was wrong. He would often stay up on the computer after I went to bed, saying it was for work or church or just to unwind. I call this "Round 1".
He was very remorseful and promised to change his life. He met with a therapist twice (what a joke!). I focused on trying to deal with the pain and trust him again. I didn't realize that although my husband had radically changed his behavior, he had not altered any of his thoughts, beliefs or desires. Without changing all the things going on in his head, it was only a matter of time before he would relapse.
Four years passed and we had our third child. We then moved across the country, back to my home state. This began "Round 2" - he relapsed in a big way. I became aware that he was viewing pornography again he acted very sorry. But as months went by, the same scenario kept repeating over and over. I would notice he was acting different and ask how he was doing. He would (unconvincingly) reassure me that he was fine. A day or two later, he would confess his latest "episode". But it would never be the whole story. A few more days, and he would reveal the rest of the story. I was always "waiting for the other shoe to drop"...waiting for the truth. He then became more blatant, getting on the computer while I was in the shower or even in another room for a few minutes. I felt like I couldn't leave the house when he was at home, because I knew he would take the opportunity to view online pornography. I started to get a glimpse of his thoughts and beliefs, and it was truly appalling. I could see no indication that his behavior was changing, and decided that I needed to leave him so he would realize the consequences of his actions. But I couldn't figure out the logistics of making it work - I had 3 kids (one was 7 months old) and no means of income.
A few months later, my husband began our church's Addiction Recovery Program. About halfway through the 12 steps, he finally realized how skewed his thinking was and started to make REAL change. After going to church and going through the motions his whole life, he finally put Jesus Christ in charge of his life. It has been about 7 months since he finished the ARP. Our communication is now very open and we periodically discuss "how he is doing". It is a daily struggle, but he is determined to not succumb. I am grateful that I had the strength to make it to this point. I feel like my husband has finally become the person I thought I married 12 years ago! Labels: addiction, children, communication, divorce, emotional pain, family, fathers, internet, lies, Success
Thank you for sharing your story. I am sorry for your years of pain. I sincerely hope that your happy ending sticks and that more of us can have such an ending to the porn phase of our marriage.
Posted at
June 25, 2008 5:05 PM
I am going thr the same thing please pray for me i am so scared
Posted at
June 26, 2008 4:27 PM
Best of wishes to all of you going through this process. No matter the outcome, never forget:
"You are creatures of divinity; you are daughters of the Almighty. Limitless is your opotential. Magnificent is your future."
Posted at
June 26, 2008 6:51 PM
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I met my husband in college and after we had known each other for about three years, we decided to get married. I thought I was marrying someone just like me, a goodie-goodie. Our marriage wasn't as wonderful as I had expected, but it wasn't terrible either. I soon realized that this family I married into was very different from my family... Click here to read the entire story...I met my husband in college and after we had known each other for about three years, we decided to get married. I thought I was marrying someone just like me, a goodie-goodie. Our marriage wasn't as wonderful as I had expected, but it wasn't terrible either. I soon realized that this family I married into was very different from my family.
My first impressions of his parents were that they seemed nice, but very quiet. I then noticed his parents took on what we would call traditional roles, where his father ran the farm and his mother took care of the house and the children. At first I didn't see anything wrong with it, until I noticed that she was expected to help with the farm when things got busy, but he NEVER lifted a finger to help her with the house or kids. I also noticed his mother waited on his father hand and foot, and obeyed every command he gave.
But I felt we were different and that my husband wasn't a tyrant like his father and I wasn't a slave like his mother. But at the time, I didn't realize how much damage had already been done. That a family system like his was breeding grounds for addictions. And that these addictions were well into place before he ever met me.
After we had been married for about 12 years is when I first noticed some major changes in him. We had just put our house on the market when he started to not feel well. He refused to see a doctor, so the responsibilities of having the house and the yard ready to show, fell on my shoulders. At the same time, we had been trying to get pregnant with our fourth child for over a year. The stress was getting to me, but by the end of the summer our house sold, he got better, and I got pregnant!
I thought things would only get better. They only got worse. Shortly after our move things got really busy with his work. He started working longer hours and would even stay all night on many occasions. And the few evenings he did come home, he would stay in the basement claiming he had work to do. I would beg him to hire someone else at work, but he would only chew me out. He then started to get sick again and would still refuse to see the doctor, and once again he would tell me to leave him alone. At this time I was 8 months pregnant, and we had hardly seen him in the last 5 months. I felt like a single parent.
After the baby was born, his behavior got even stranger. By then, I was fed up with him never being home, so I called the manager and asked why nothing had been done to improve this. He said he didn't know why he ALWAYS worked late. He could understand some nights, but every night? They did hire someone else, but he claimed the work load only got bigger, so the late nights continued. He also continued to be sick with weird symptoms and still refused to see a doctor. All he said was he never got enough time to himself, and that so much was expected of him. A whole week would easily go by without him seeing me or the kids. Even on Sundays we wouldn't see him, because his church calling would have him attend a different building for church, and then he would leave from there to go to work. I didn't know what to do.
Another six months went by, and I continued to function as a single parent. The very few hours he was at home he was either asleep or in the basement and did not want to be disturbed. Every time I tried to approach him about him abandoning us or his continuing illness, I would get the same lecture that he was too stressed and tired and to leave him alone. He showed no concern for me or the kids and continued to only get sicker. I finally decided he wasn't a part of our life and that I was indeed a single parent. That was how I survived.
On New Year's day 2007, he got ill enough that he finally decided he had to see a doctor. They immediately admitted him to the hospital and diagnosed him with PCP, a form of pneumonia. I thought finally! Now they can give him meds, get him better and things will now improve. Well of course, things only got worse. He then told me PCP is only found in people with HIV.
How could this be? I then asked how did you get HIV? All he said was I don't know and you have to be tested too. In extreme shock, I went to be tested which thankfully turned out to be negative. The doctors promised me my kids would be negative too, but that didn't make the pain and shock any less. What happened to my innocent life?
I couldn't believe he would sit there and tell the doctors he had no idea how he got HIV. These were the people who were trying to save his life! Who is this person I am married to? I think he truly thought he was fooling us, but anyone with half a brain knows how you get it and how you don't! Once the actual blood counts came back, he was then diagnosed with AIDS. (cd4 count of 20.)
I then decided I would be a kind supportive wife through this tragedy in hopes that he would confess to me. He was in out of the hospital over the next month, with me running back and forth with four kids. It then took him another two months to get any energy back and to get used to the "cocktail". I was the one who took care of him at home, thinking I was doing what was right. I thought for sure once he was feeling better he would apologize for the way he had treated us, thank me for all I had done, and humbly confess. I got none of that.
Once he got his strength back and started going back to work, the long hours came back too. Furious, I tried several times to talk to him about it, but he would just avoid me or leave the conversation. Finally, after months of living this nightmare again, I decided I had to take things into my own hands. I had refused to do this before, because I had promised myself that I would never become a snoop. I had wanted to be a trusting person, but since he would not confess and with things only getting worse, I decided I had to do it. I was scared of what I would find and even more scared of what if he found out.
I had noticed over the past year that he had started carrying a backpack around with him. He claimed he needed it for his gym clothes so he could go exercise while he was at work. He always took it with him, no matter where he was going. When he was at home, he would store it downstairs under his desk. One night while he was working in the garage, I decided to check there first. That was the first and last place I needed to check.
The backpack was stuffed full of gym clothes as he claimed, but I did eventually find a necessity kit that looked suspicious. In it I found everything I was looking for and a whole lot more. As a matter of fact, I didn't even know what half of the stuff was. The things I found were condoms, sex stuff, Viagra, money, crystal meth, drug paraphernalia, and pornography on DVDs. (I had to check the internet and with the police to verify everything.) I now understood his behavior.
With the help of my bishop, we then sat down to confront him. It took him a long time to even admit what he had done. He finally said that this double life started shortly after our first baby was born. He claims I gave too much attention to the baby. He said it all started out with a curiosity in pornography, which eventually turned into acting out sexually with men. He actually justified his actions, because he claims he only did this a couple of times a year. (That makes it all better you know!) After about ten years of this, he finally gave into the drugs that were always offered to him. This only made his double life escalate. He went from acting out a couple of times a year to a couple of times a day in the last two years. Since he is one of the owners of the business, he was able to work his odd hours and give himself bonuses (for drugs) without anyone saying a word. He had a great set-up for a lifestyle like his. Too bad his wife had to go and blow it for him.
I told him then that I would not kick him out now, because I knew without serious help and support, he would dive into that lifestyle until he was dead. It still took months to get confessions out of him, and even then he would only answer what I asked and would never volunteer information. I still had to pick and choose what to believe, because his confessions were still so full of lies. Even now months later, I still stumble across things he never told me about. He was eventually excommunicated from the church, which was a surprise to him and his parents. (Which just proves where he gets his faulty beliefs from.)
So, where are we now? We are both in a program called Lifestar, that helps sex addicts and their spouses. He is also seeing a drug therapist, with a weekly urine analysis. I am also seeing a therapist and I do speak frequently with our Bishop. My therapist wants him to be seen by a Psychiatrist, that specializes in homosexual sex addiction and have a full battery of test performed. Many of us feel he suffers from severe personality disorders, and without a proper diagnosis, he will never recover. He has also been told to have regular visits with our Bishop and other church leaders. Well, he feels that the two programs he is involved with is enough. He has claimed that he has completely stopped acting out and that he has recovered. So why does he need more treatment? He doesn't like people telling him what to do, especially if it is his wife and her therapist. He said that he can handle all of this on his own and that what he has done isn't that bad. His father even agrees with him that he does not need to see the Bishop or continue with treatment. (As a matter of fact, his father blames me for all of this. But I'll save that for another day.) He continues to attend church with us and puts the front on that everything is okay.
So where am I with this? I knew back with his diagnosis that he had killed the marriage. I kept things together so he could get into proper treatment and maybe start the repentance process. I now see that I was only dreaming. Everyday I try my best to be pleasant and to continue being a good wife and mother. I felt due to the horrific things he had done, our intimate life was over, but I could still allow him to kiss me goodbye. I thought I was being Christ-like by trying to help, but he recently told me I have been extremely cold and unChrist-like to him. I also told him that I could be of more support to him as a friend, than as a spouse. That only made him angry that I was not willing to work on our marriage. I do realize that I was expecting a healthy response from an unhealthy person. A few months back I did talk to a lawyer and I am also trying to figure out what I can do with an old health degree. (I will probably go into Nursing.)
I do know every ones repentance process will be different and that it is not my place to judge. But I do know that I have to make a righteous judgment for the safety of my children and myself. I do not feel that he has even scratched the surface of repentance. I have yet to see any remorse or regret for what he has done. All I see is frustration and anger towards me, because I'm not doing what he thinks I should be doing. He wants me to quickly forgive and forget and act like this never happened. Not once has he asked me what he could do for me.
Labels: addiction, adultery, AIDS, children, devestation, distrust, fathers, lies, pornography, spouse
Wow, I thought my stuff was hard. And it is. It's all so horrible and not at all what we signed on for when we got married. You are amazingly strong. I am so glad that you are getting help and support. I'm glad your bishop is there for you. That has not been my experience at all. It is too awkward and embarrassing for my bishop to handle. Please look out for yourself and your children first. Take care of yourself. I'm not so good at that, but I know it is the right thing. Even through all the ugliness and overwhelming bad stuff I still know that Heavenly Father loves us.
Posted at
June 19, 2008 10:53 AM
The Lord never gives us trials that we cannot handle. He knows you are a very strong and courageous woman. And you have handled this. I know what it is like to be lied to and manipulated by the man you love. Your love goes so deep, and that only makes it hurt more. I pray that I can be a strong as you. Thank you for sharing your story.
Posted at
June 19, 2008 11:27 AM
May I also thank you for sharing your story. I think many of us can find some truth in your story that fits ours. It is so difficult when our faith is strong and we expect our partner to be honest and faithful. It hurts so much. I have read lots and lots of books and they really help me sort through my fears, feelings and what is real & true. Heavenly Father knows we can only be responsible for how we treat others NOT how they treat us. You are wise to know your husband is unhealthy so his responses are unhealthy. He has believed lies and it sounds like he continues to believe lies and want you to join him. YOU KNOW WHAT IS TRUE. Honesty and fideility. I would suggest your husband POSSIBLY was sexual abused as a child or exposed to sexual activity prior to an age he could understand the behavior? Has he opened up enough to share his early childhood sexual experiences. Just a thought from experience. Hold your head up high and know that you deserve to be appreciated for your kindness and if your husband is so lost he continues to see himself as the victim you MAY want give him an opportunity to handle HIS mess by himself. It is right to help others who help themselves BUT I have found it is easy also to enable those who continue to be stuck and that is not good for either of you.
Posted at
June 19, 2008 12:44 PM
I can not imagine how you have coped with all the things you describe! I have also endured a lot because of my husband's addiction, but it pales in comparison to your story. You are so strong! I hope that your husband will alter his thoughts, beliefs and desires in a way that will bring REAL change. Thank you for being brave enough to share your experience. I pray for your family!
Posted at
June 19, 2008 12:54 PM
God never intended for his daughters to be treated this way. Here is a quote from a LDS church leader, Gordon B. Hinkley, in a book called, 'My Dear Sisters':
"My heart reaches out to you. I appreciate you. I honor you. I respect you. What a tremendous force for good you are. You are the strength of the present, the hope of the future. You are the sum of all the generations that have gone before, the promise of all that will come hereafter."
I am sure that God feels the same about his daugthers. Be strong - support what is right and correct. Pray, and you will have the strength to carry out what is virtuous. (It is your responsibility to care for your physcial safety as well as your children.)
Posted at
June 26, 2008 7:04 PM
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It really makes me sad to read these stories, but I have felt alone and separated from other women for twenty years. I am glad to know I am not the only one living with this. I got married when I was twenty years old to a member of my church from an active church family. On the surface things seemed great. We were so in love. We decided not to wait to have children and I became pregnant after only three months of marriage. Click here to read the rest of the story... It really makes me sad to read these stories, but I have felt alone and separated from other women for twenty years. I am glad to know I am not the only one living with this.
I got married when I was twenty years old to a member of my church from an active church family. On the surface things seemed great. We were so in love. We decided not to wait to have children and I became pregnant after only three months of marriage.
I worked full time during the day, my husband worked nights. I remember coming home and finding my slip or silky nighties out on the bed. When I asked why, he would just say that he missed me. We HAD to have sex at LEAST once a day, even if I had my period or was sick or exhausted. I was innocent and believed him when he told me this was normal.
I really didn't understand about the masturbating and pornography until right after my daughter was born. Even then he played it off as nothing. It was just because I was so pregnant. It was a lie. I have spent twenty years trying to believe him when he tells me he loves me.
Last fall we had to get a new computer because ours was so over-run with porn. It got so that it popped up all the time. He swore that it was just a virus and he had nothing to do with it. He was always on the computer because he was trying to get RID of the bad stuff. He really believes that it is okay to lie to me. He tells himself he is protecting me. We have four daughters and a son. I have spent my whole life helping protect my husband's lies so they don't know what their father really is.
Whenever I ask how he is doing he lies. If I ask anything in depth he gets angry and distances himself from me emotionally. That's how he punishes me. He has lied to multiple church leaders too. I don't really feel like I can get help anywhere. He denies anything is happening until I catch him in the act.
I'm embarrassed by how pathetic I sound. I am smart, competent and educated. Divorce has just never been an option. I want my kids to have two parents. He is generally a fairly good dad. Also, I know the other man inside of him and he is so tender. He has such profound spiritual thoughts sometimes. He rubs my sore neck everyday. He feels bad when he hurts me.
What do I do? Let's just say that I barely scratched the surface of our story. I feel like I just have to share my life with the filth. I know living with ths has damaged me. I just pray for strength and keep plugging along.Labels: addiction, children, communication, distrust, emotional pain, family, fathers, internet, lies, pornography
I am so sorry for you. I am so sorry for all of us who have felt that our husbands were respectable and honest men. I think for me that is one of the hardest things. I am so sad that my husband has not seen sex and marriage as sacred but it is as hard for me to realize he is comforable being dishonest. He has shown so little respect for me, for women, for his position as a father and husband. My faith has really been tested and I do not know at times what is real and what is a lie. As long as someone chooses to lie about their 'sin' they are not close to being able to overcome or change their behavior. I love my husband and I want him to see the light but I am not willing to pretend that things are good when they are not. I can handle the truth it is the lies that are hurting me and our marriage. Pray for help, stay close to those you can trust and know you have lots and lots of value! You are a child of God who LOVES you!
Posted at
June 18, 2008 12:34 PM
The thing I see you doing is rationalizing his behavior and making excuses for him. He may have a tender side and be occasionally spiritually eloquent, but that does not excuse his dishonest behavior. He is simply making bad choices that are affecting you and your family. That is a difficult truth to accept, but you must do it if any of you are going to come out of this ok. Marriage and families cannot exist where there is lying and dishonesty. Your husband's addiction has taken away his ability to think and act like a rational person, and it is causing you to live in fear. That is not a good environment for children, no matter how you may try to justify it. Your husband needs to bring his addiction into the light and needs to show desire and then action for a full recovery. All of you will continue to suffer until he does this. And unfortunately, if he has no desire to change and will take no action to do so, you will have to start facing the stark reality that divorce is the best way to go. Living with full truth and honesty is the only way to beat addiction. The Lord does not expect people to live with dishonest people who refuse to change. You need to be emotionally healthy for your children's sake, and to feel peace in your own life. Living with a lying addict makes that impossible. Everyone experiences pain, sadness and disappointment, but when it is being inflicted upon you by someone else (your own spouse!) constantly, you have to choose to stop it if the other person will not. The Lord works through light, truth and honesty, and anything else is an unhealthy and unacceptable way to live. Facing the truth is difficult and painful, but in the end, all parties involved will feel peace if they choose to live in the light of truth.
Posted at
June 28, 2008 6:21 PM
I really struggle to find the line between rationalizing for him and just trying to keep my family together. I know so many families that have been so messed up by divorce. I know so many kids that have been damaged by it. They know their dad is different but they don't know why. I have thought a thousand times "I need to leave. I need to leave!", but I have never had support from a church leader to do so. When my husband gets caught he says all the right words. You know what I mean. Then he goes to our church leader and says all the right things. He is an expert at the game. And he seems genuinely sorry. Honestly, I find it pretty confusing. Which Him do I believe? Also, I never prepared to provide for a family. I had this pretty picture in my head of what my life would be. When do you leave?
Posted at
June 30, 2008 3:36 PM
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Reading these stories is comforting knowing that I am not alone. We feel so alone don't we? I have been married for 12 years with 4 children. I suspected pornography use from very early on when my husband insisted sleeping on the couch late at night. I remember him acting very angry at me at times and not really understanding why. He claimed to have issues with the fact that I had a teenage lover at the age of 16 and had come back to our church after looking for repentance and forgiveness. After 2 children I was lying in bed one night and a voice said in my head,"Go look in his bag." Being completely asleep, I hobbled over to find well worn magazines of porn in his bag. That night he finally opened up to me about his addiction to porn and of course the masturbating that goes along with this.
Well time went on and I would occasionally sweetly ask him,"How are you doing with pornography?" He would always reply,"Good." I remember seeing darkness in his face at times and wondering. I would always think that I was being paranoid and judgmental. Wasn't I asking him if he was okay. I even would consciously make sure that I was always initiating in our private life so he would know that this was a place that he could get more love, more attention, more gratification.
Life went on like this for years. Knowing but not understanding what to do about the problem. I had two other children and during the pregnancy of the last,found out the truth about what was really going on. Since, I have learned much about this type of addiction. It can be subtle at times and "hard core" at times. It seems to rotate in cycles. Like circles, round and round it goes. I don't think that he has ever come to me to talk about it.
He has become so desperate to keep the truth that it has grown into this incredible monster that has affected every aspect of our lives. Work, money problems, behavior including depression, never feeling like things are good enough. We have sought out counsel from leaders of our church, even participated in a program to help addicts of sexual addiction. Still he is being "caught."
Funny, just like another post said. I don't even have to try. If enough times passes, I will find him....sneeking. It is more than that. I have young children. They are always doing reports on the internet. A place where he has harbored much of his addiction.
I sit next to them, even with filters and special programs and me right next to them, I am panicking because I am so afraid that they will be exposed. I have been doing this for a solid 8 years now. Just this morning, I found myself for the first time in our marriage, telling him that I couldn't be intimate with him. It honestly made me sick to my stomach. I love so many things about this man but this addiction has made him someone I don't even know anymore.
This is the absolute hardest thing that I have ever been through and am feeling so incredibly alone and scared. I know there are so many out there that are in my same situation. How do I take these beautiful children away from their father? He has expressed anger at me for not wanting to help him through this. He claims that he has tools to deal with this that he learned from these meetings yet it is still going on? Do I hack things out for 3-6 more months? When children are involved it becomes incredibly complicated. HELP-suggestions?Labels: addiction, children, communication, depression, distrust, emotional pain, family, fathers, internet, lies, pornography, spouse
Posted at
May 21, 2008 11:36 AM
My heart goes out to you and your sweet children. I am a young mother and am also constantly stressed about my husband's addiction to pornography. This site has been very helpful in understanding that I am not alone. It has taken more time to understand than I have wanted to give. I too have been at the end of my rope several times with the feeling of mere existance for my children. The main thing I would like to communicate to you is about the addiction recovery meetings. I went with my husband for quite a while, even pushing him out the door many of the nights. -I've gotten more bold during this time of trial and have gotten to understand more meaningS of 'tough love.'I belive this loving boldness will also help me become a better mother.
Anyway, the ARP meetings have literally been a life saver for me. My husband couldn't udnerstand why I wanted to go... I wasn't the one with the problem. Actually, I was sort of hesitant myself... how would I feel? Would I feel uncomfortable? Just the opposite occured. Through the 12 steps that were discussed each meeting, I started to feel hope. I started to understand Christ's Atonement in a way that opened my eyes to goodness again. Goodness knows that I have set boundaries and limits and stuck to them, but those meetings are saving my sanity.
I still feel absolute helplessness at times. I still cry at times. However, I have learned to transfer my pains to the only person who can actually carry them, then learn how to become my best. This is hard. It is the hardest trial I will ever go through. My eternal companion is the most important person in this world to me, but he also has the right to make choices. My personal decisions have been made to go along with the limits. I gave my husband 6 months for my children. I gave my husband only 6 months to safeguard my children. My advice would be this: counsel with your church leaders, pray, and you'll know what to do that is best for your family. My prayers go out to you.
Posted at
May 21, 2008 12:15 PM
I am so sorry for the horror with which you live. You did not choose this but I know how it now colors your whole life. As a woman your reaction is to try to help and nurture your husband. That is so natural and what makes women so wonderful. Families are important and I hope and pray your sweet family makes it.
Here is the thing I have discovered in my similar experience; pornography like any sin is not only about addiction it is all about selfishness. Your husband likely finds ways to justify his addiction. I would ask you to be absolutely crystal clear in your communication with him about what his actions are doing to you. You owe yourself that much. Feel everything you are feeling and pray for help to not only feel all you need to feel but to act appropriately and ultimately forgive.
He needs to see and hear how his actions are affecting you and his children. He is likely so wrapped up in his own selfishness and warped sense of love that he really cannot understand how he has hurt you.
I know from experience the fear that being really expressive of your feelings (all of them not just the angry and negative feelings) may end up making your spouse feel bad or drive him to pornography or make you look foolish and vulnerable. Remember that pornography was his choice. He chooses that filth for you and your whole family. . Addicts love excuses and love to blame the addiction, but in my experience we can all be stronger than our addictions.
Give him a probation if you feel that is important. I would be careful about telling him. That may pit you against him in a way that he feels abandoned already and he will not even try. However it is absolutely right to set parameters of what you are willing to live with and what you can't. Remember too that if you leave him lots of things may get harder. Your children's little worlds will be shattered, you will be even more lonely, you will have less time with your children, and there will be more bad surprises. Your best chance of happiness is to exhaust every hope of him overcoming this problem. It is not a secret that troubled marriages that pull through our much happier than divorce.
You are right to say that you no longer desire intimacy if that is how you feel. You must find honesty in your own life and relationship. Tell him that you need to live in truth and while you see him lusting over and disrespecting the image of womanhood you cannot desire to give yourself to him. This is not being a bad wife, it is being absolutely true in your communications. He owes you the chance to grieve over years of shattered hopes. You have emotional needs too. He also needs to realize sex is a sacred form of communication to you and that while you love and care about him, this is hard right now. It doesn't mean you will never be intimate, but you need some time to trust. Healthy intimacy is all about trusting your partner.
Most importantly pray, pray hard, pray all of the time, and pray expecting the Lord's guidance. He loves you, your children, and your husband.
Posted at
May 21, 2008 2:49 PM
I wanted to share three books that have been extremely helpful.
Confronting Your Spouse's Pornography Problem
by Rory C. Reid
Clean Hands Pure Heart
by Philip A. Harrison
(my husband's favorite)
Lord I Believe, Help Thou Mine Unbelief
by Rod Jeppsen
I have found lots of help and understanding from these books and if a husband has a broken heart he will also want to learn from these authors. If possible try to read them together and I think your spouse will be grateful for the open communication that will follow. Secrets are the fuel that feed this addiction so turn the light on, encourage each other to open up emotionally and peace can follow if both partners are willing!
Posted at
May 22, 2008 11:06 AM
You mentioned that you are a church going family...Has it occurred to you that the sin your husband is perpetrating is not meant to be a personal offense of you, as hurtful and personal as it feels. I know the pain of which you speak. I also know that until your husband is ready to be done with this and realize that his sin, as all of our sin does, is seperating him from God, there is nothing you can say or do that will change his heart. That work has to be done from the inside out and only God can accomplish that. I would urge you to check out the Biblical Counseling Institute website at www.bcinstitute.com, and if/when your husband is ready, ask Dr. Abercrombie if there is someone he can refer him to in your area. The word will convict his heart, and the truth does set you free. I would also encourage you to check out the website and pray about whether it would be good for you to have support from someone trained through the BCI as well. You need to know and be confident in who you are in Him and have support to remind you of that when things seem dark. I am praying for you, your husband and your children. And I am confident that you will find your rest and peace in our Savior and Comforter.
Posted at
June 11, 2008 10:33 AM
BILL OF RIGHTS FOR WIVES OF PORN ADDICTS:
1. You have the right to keep porn out of your home. If he is going to do it, it will have to be away from home. All cable companies allow you to block movies by rating or by channel. You should be the keeper of the password. If he figures it out, change it. If you find his magazines or DVD's you have the right to throw them away. If he does it at night on the computer, discontinue your internet service or install a digital camera that faces the computer screen. If he has a problem with this tell him it is offensive and degrading to you and you won't allow it in your home, and you are taking precautions to ensure that it stays out. If he gets upset, too bad, he'll get over it.
2. You have the right to expect kindness and courtesy from him, no matter how bad his addiction is. When you see that "dark look," expect some chauvinistic treatment, but don't let it pass. Call him on it politely and lovingly. i.e. "I don't feel comfortable around you right now so I'm going to take a walk," or "Why did you use that tone of voice?" or "Why did you say such a mean thing?" or "Why did you think it was okay to do that?" As you learn to stand up to him assertively (but not aggressively) he will become more respectful, and more sure of his behavior boundaries.
3. You have the right to protect your children from porn at any cost. Set rules about what movies your family will see. When our kids were little it was only G and PG. Now that they are young adults it's PG-13, but no R's or X's. Keep in mind that if you were to divorce then your husband would get visitation rights and would be alone with your children and may expose them to porn. It may be better to tough it out until they are older.
4. You have the right to "Just Say No" to things he wants to do sexually which you find degrading or uncomfortable. Tell him, "Sorry, I won't enjoy that. Can we try this..?" You have the right to enjoy sex with him in order to fulfill your owm needs. Remember that it's his problem, not yours. He is the guilty one, not you. Married sex is not a crime or an addiction, it's an act of love that is healthy for both of you. If he gets rough or careless, tell him gently and immediately, or move his hand. If he does it more than once, end the sex and tell him it's uncomfortable. You have the right to insist on comfortable and enjoyable sex. If he gets upset, too bad. He'll get over it.
5. You have the right to politely require him to come out of his selfish little universe and think of his family. Set a weekly family time that can only be overidden in emergencies. Do what your family likes to do, and let him know you expect him to participate. Tell him, "This is what loving fathers do who care about their wives and children."
6. You have the right to ask him to leave if he won't agree to your rules. You can say, "YOu can stay here and do these rules or you can leave. You can come back any time you want to help me keep a loving home for our children. 99.99 % of husbands will do your rules rather than leave. Most men merely threaten divorce to get their way. If he says he wants to leave, say, "If you must, then go, but know that you are abandoning your wife and children." Tell him you expect him to continue to support you and the kids while living somewhere else. He will most likely back down. It takes courage to do this, but most wives find that they have no choice.
7. You have the right to be happy in spite of his bad choices. Cultivate good friends, hobbies that you enjoy, read books you like, etc. If he chooses to behave like an idiot, that's his problem, not yours.
8. You have the right to focus on his good qualities instead of his glaringly bad one. Most porn addicts are good fathers and good providers, but lousy husbands. Be thankful that he is employed, and that he doesn't beat you or the kids, and demand some personal attention now and then. If you divorce him you have only a 50% chance of finding a decent man who is not a porn addict, because 50% or more of men are just that.
9. You have the right to expect him to make it up to you. Expensive gifts, (if he can afford it) like a new car, or new appliances, can go a long way towards his effort to demonstrate that he still loves you in spite of his problem. If he doesn’t have money then backrubs, walks, and letting you choose what you’ll watch on TV can also help.
10. You have the right to ask him now and then how he is progressing in his fight to give up porn. If he doesn’t want to talk about it then he is probably still doing it, but this lets him know that you expect him to keep on trying to someday give women the respect they deserve. For more info visit www.Kidsread.net.
Posted at
June 11, 2008 6:55 PM
Your story mirrors mine. However, one vital difference is that my husband ended up molesting our eldest child as she hit puberty. He was prosecuted and went to prison for child sexual abuse. In discussing this with him after my daughter disclosed what happened, he admitted that he could not differentiate her from other "women." The depths of evil that had overtaken this once good man was devastating. Saddest of all was that I had truly loved him. He repaid that love by destroying his family, even after begging him repeatedly for nearly 15 years to get help for his pornography addiction. Be alert and protect your children, first and foremost. I didn't believe my husband capable of such an evil act, but I underestimated the power of porn.
Posted at
June 11, 2008 10:05 PM
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I think that your web site is amazing! I was in a porn-addicted marriage for 9 years. I commend you for your fight against pornography. I swore to myself while I was getting tested for STD's, (after finding out that my husband had been cheating on me for several years), that I would do anything to bring down the PORN industry!! How humiliating that was for me, a faithful wife and member of my church!! I dove into a lot of information regarding pornography after I learned of his addiction and unfaithfulness. I found him wrapped so tight with this animalistic addiction, that he had nearly drown by then - and I suffered from physical demise related to his cheating. After coming up with courage to stand up and let out the, "secret," of what was really going on - so many women came to me with a similar problem. I was astounded at the number of women who worked next to me, and went to church every Sunday, who was struggling with addicted men!! I was more startled that nearly every story gave the same text-book description of the addict's actions, temperament, lying, cheating, money problems, family problems, etc. (Your web site supports this.) Coming from the medical profession, I could see that this porn bug had an incubation period where it would lie dormant for a while, then exacerbate. The addict's actions would exacerbate during the active state of the porn bug's flare-up. If you read into the psychology of addiction in general, you can see the porn addict also. Porn is a TRUE mental, physical, and chemical ADDICTION INFECTION. It bites people before they are addicted. If we can immunize against the porn bug's effect (by having a resistance already built up in our minds and bodies) we will decrease the likeliness of active infection. I believe that the immunization is EDUCATION. Like many other diseases, it is better to seek out the immunization early, than try to fix the disease after it has taken its silent toll (as the addict will remain maimed from past damage). As secrecy breeds this bug, we need to shout louder than the corners of our homes, to educate of the filthiness and horror of pornography use. This is where I believe we need to start in fighting the porn industry. Labels: addiction, adultery, depression, distrust, emotional pain, family, lies, Overcoming Addiction, pornography
After 23 years discovered husband's porn addiction. Thought with counseling, reading, etc. we were okay. Found out 3/21/08 he(53 years old) has been carrying on inappropriate relationship with young girl (age 23) at work. Denies anything physical has happened. Also admits to being flirting and sexualizing for entire marriage. Back in counseling and he is attending SA meetings weekly (has promised to attend meetings for for the rest of his life). Feel like whole marriage has been a fake. Will I ever be able to trust him? Love him? Have sex with him again? Now what???? One day at a time I guess.
Posted at
May 13, 2008 9:36 PM
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I have been married a little over 2 years. I am "considered" beautiful, I get hit on a lot still....but I hate myself, my body, I am insecure, and I am insecure in my marriage. WHY? I wasn't this way when I first got married. My husband seemed perfect, I thought I knew everything about him. Only 9 months into our marriage he told me he'd been looking at porn, It so didn't seem like him....I laughed and said "are you serious" (honestly thinking he was joking). He was serious, he said it was only once, he wanted to tell me right away and it wouldn't happen again. I respected him for coming and telling me, but I was devastated too....I told myself and my mom...this would never happen to me. You see, my mom didn't want me to turn out like her. My dad was a sex-aholic, he cheated on her a lot, was into porn, everything. And my dad actually had a good heart and was a good dad...but as many other men, he got sucked into the spiral addiction of sexual things promoted in our society, it became a real addiction. I saw it ruin my parents' marriage, and ruin my dad's soul and sense of self worth. My dad really ruined his life by having sex with ANYONE, and one lady recently wrongly convicted him of rape when she couldn't deal with her own guilt of having sex outside of marriage (something she had never done). So my dad is prison due to sex addiction and bad choices, I found out also when I was 15 that my little brother had been looking at porn and had become very depressed. He saw himself falling in my dad's steps, and he wanted out...but he was also addicted. After looking at porn he'd feel so awful about himself, he became very very depressed and very very suicidal. Yet, he couldn't find strength to quit looking. After all I'd been through with my own family, It was hard to believe my husband had been looking at porn. He even said "it has nothing to do with our sex. Our sex is great. And you are great, you are beautiful, it has nothing to do with you. " But if you put yourself in a woman's shoes....how can she not take it personally. You try to get all beautifuled up every day for this man....we were having sex twice a week or more, something he suggested and I made priority because I loved him and wanted him satisfied sexually as well. Yet, he seeks out other bodies on the internet and lusts after them? Also, after he first told me, for months after that he claimed he hadn't looked again, and even accused me of being too paranoid so therefor, I might ruin the marriage. Yet, one day I snuck up his parents stairs as we were there late one night and he thought I was asleep...this was 6 months after he first told me, and I was scarred to see naked disgusting images on the screen. I have never shaken so hard. I fell to ground. MY stomach wouldn't stop churning. It was sick...it was so sick to me and so painful... those woman weren't me....it was so hurtful beyond description. And worst off, he'd been lying, of course, all those months when he said I was just "paranoid." Since then he's been working on his problem, but hasn't been honest with me completely, still! And though he distances himself from computers and we do not have internet, he will stop into bookstores when he should be working to look at magazines that have soft porn, like Maxim and Stuff. Many addicts lie about their problem so they can continue to feed the addiction. They become addicts and liars. Though we have worked on our relationship and things have improved a lot... there are still days I feel paranoid and worried of what else my husband may or may not lie about. I can't trust him or myself because my mind churns worrying about what he could be doing. This isn't what marriage is supposed to be. I don't believe my husband foresaw this happening either, this wasn't in either of our plans, yet many MANY marriages and relationships suffer this. Porn and addiction is sweeping over our society and the media lets it all in. Families and hearts are being torn to pieces. This is not a pity story for me - Goodness, my story is among THOUSANDS, if not MILLIONS. I've read many stories already. Its a scary, scary epidemic in our society, and it is truly ruining women - whether you are the naked woman in the picture, who has totally desensitized herself, or demeaned herself, or your the woman on the other side who's family and marriage is falling apart. Sad...sad......sad....I hope my marriage makes it. Thank God we haven't had kids yet. Labels: addiction, adultery, brothers, depression, devestation, distrust, divorce, emotional pain, everyone is affected, family, fathers, honesty, internet, lies, pornography, sexual addiction, spouse
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My story begins 4 1/2 years ago when I met my current boyfriend. He was 37 at the time, and married, and I was only 19. For whatever reason, being young and naive, I agreed to having an affair with him. Two months later, his wife found out and they subsequently got divorced. For 3 years, I didn't know he had a secret life. We had frequent arguments over anything and everything and I occasionally had thoughts of leaving him, but I always stayed. It wasn't until just over a year ago that I realized that he was turning to pornography every time he felt "rejected" by me. Last March I confronted him after realizing he was sending money orders via internet to women who would perform in front of a webcam for him. He denied everything and became upset that I would even think he would do such a thing. Two months later, I caught him again, doing the same thing, and he finally admitted to it. He said he had been "scared" before and was afraid I would leave if I knew that he had spent nearly $1,000 on these women. I was devastated and tried to leave, but for whatever reason, I decided to stay. In September, I caught him having erotic chats online and I moved out for a couple days. But for whatever reason, I returned and our relationship went right back to the way it was. He was convinced he had his addiction beat and he would do anything to keep me by his side. It only lasted a month...and I started realizing he was at it again--viewing porn and having erotic chats. I pretended I didn't know, pretended that I could ignore the problem...but 3 weeks ago I started packing my stuff. I couldn't take it anymore. He was viewing everything from bestiality, to incest, to pictures of young children in bathing suits. He told me that everything I had saw was just out of curiosity...but I don't believe him. Yes, I'm still here, but we are not "together" right now. I am seeking counseling to help me with my self-esteem issues and give me the courage to move on. Labels: addiction, adultery, pornography, prostitution, spouse, unfaithful
Please leave him. Leave and never look back. The fact that he was unfaithful to his wife coupled with how young you are and what he has looked at means he is very sick and not to be trusted. He is a danger to everyone he comes in cantact with. Call the authorities and turn over his computer to them if you feel strong enough. For your own well being sever all ties with him as soon as possible! Do not warn him - just get a plan together and follow it. This is not a person capable of being a full partner in a loving relationship. You are still young and there is lots of hope. Leave, take some time for yourself and wait for a while before you get into another relationship. When you get in another relationship look for someone who will give more to you, who is your age, someone interested in marrying you, and someone honorable, this guy obviously wasn't.
You need to heal so keep gettting help. Your self-esteem must be shot but you need to know that you are worth the work to get out of this situation. You prpbably feel some guilt for your involvement with him and the break up of his marriage. It was all bad but you were so young. He knew better.
Pray for strenghth. Through this experience you must realize that Satan is real. You need to trust that God is real too. Pray for stength, pray for guidence...it will come. Pray for peace and act in a way to help it come. May God bless you in this great time of need. He loves you and will help you. Trust those instincts He has given you.
Posted at
April 21, 2008 1:44 PM
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How do I begin? Many things have happened throughout our marriage. My husband have repeatedly tried to leave the marriage. The last time he tried, I accepted his decision. But then he decided to stay. Is it permanent? I don't have that answer. I was told many times that I did not have the nice beautiful body that guys desire. Why didn't I leave him for making me feel ugly, for insulting me? The best answer that I can give right now is - after a while, I believe him. One of our problems right now is his addiction to online pornography. He is no longer interested in having sex with me. Our sex life has always been an issue. I always felt inferior to the pictures in his magazines and other women that he knows. I want to get some professional help. But, it's hard to find good help in this matter where we live. So, I decided to write here instead. It helps me to imagine that someone is listening to me. I desperately need to share the pain and sadness that I feel inside with somebody, anybody! I welcome any advise or comment. I hope to be able to write again soon. Labels: addiction, communication, depression, distrust, pornography, spouse
The proffessional person t help you is you.
One is to change the way you have decided to look at yourself because of how your husband looks at you and keeps comparing you. Its hard i know but possible and it begins from you inside.Start looking at your self not incomparison to the pictures its a slow process but slowly you will overcome the inferiosity part of you and you will be able to help your husband look at you the way you look at your self and also appreciate you.
Posted at
April 23, 2008 10:32 AM
The fact that he stayed when you accepted him to leave and he came back shows he loves you and you could make your marriage better if you could start looking at you self as something of value a TREASURE and that will help him drop his comparisons and focus on you because you love yourself.
its all in your mind and all you have to do is have a positive mind set.
Posted at
April 23, 2008 10:38 AM
Thank you for sharing some of your experience with your husband and pornography. I am so sorry as I am sure many who have been able to read your message. I have been so so sad this past year for similiar reasons. I lost a bunch of weight from feeling so overwhelmed and rejected by my husband's choices. I am 46 so it is difficult to feel adequate when I am aware of all the 'other' woman he enjoys dreaming about. Time has helped and pray, scripture study and a good friend/listening ear has made all the difference for me. There is a spiritual reality that is so different than the carnal world some men choose to dwell on. Good Luck! As woman we need to love and support each other. Unfortunately I have come to understand that LOTS OF WOMAN SHARE THIS BURDEN!
Posted at
May 2, 2008 8:16 PM
My heart goes out to you for your trials with your husband. Pornography is an addiction and it will be very difficult for your husband to abandon this addiction without a desire to do so and some good help along the way. My husband has this addiction and I don't believe he will ever be able to abandon it completely, but he has never wanted to leave our marriage - I was the one to do that. After I learned about the effect his addiction has had on our children (who are all adults now), I became so angry that I left him for about 1 1/2 years. Through counseling and soul searching and the power of God, I finally came to a point where I was able to forgive him. I am now 62 years old and we are together again. He is a good man who happens to have an addiction to pornography. I still love him, but in a different way than I did when we were first married.
May God watch over you and help you to be able to deal with your situation. You are cherished by Him and He loves you more than you can even imagine, and He wants you to be happy.
Posted at
June 11, 2008 10:38 AM
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My story is long and sad. I've been married to my husband for 20 years. He's an alcoholic and a sex addict. He quit drinking 10 years ago and we both thought our lives would change. Of course, with no alcohol, things are much better. With the sexual addiction though, something more insidious has ruined our marriage. I used to "catch him" hiding porn, taping stuff off t.v., gaping at other women out in public. In fact, I used to try to catch him. I gave up on that several years ago as it became apparent I didn't have to try, that given enough time I would always accidentally catch him. After years of suffering,my womanhood destroyed, I began to realize he is very sick. So sick that I can't even imagine. He has spells where he does well but I can always feel when he is slipping back in. He's in one of those dark times right now. The long term affects of this has been a destruction of our sweet love we once shared. I'm beginning to not care about him and I hate that. I'm beginning to not care what he does at all. There was a time when I thought we would give our lives for each other, but he had his own needs to look after, that were more important than our relationship. For the first time in 20 years I find that I don't want him to touch me anymore. It feels dirty. I feel like I'm being used or he's having sex with me just to keep me around as I feel he prefers masturbation. About two weeks ago I was thinking about joining a gym so I could swim. I told him that I wondered if I got a part-time job there, if I could get a membership free. I had been thinking of getting a part-time job anyway and that way I could get the gym with it. He thought that was hilarious. He laughed and laughed. When I asked him what was so funny, he said they only hire "fit" women in those places and if I applied there they would just laugh at me. For the first time I realized he has compared me to his fantasy women and I indeed have come up short. He has rejected me but doesn't have the courage or manhood to tell me that he has chosen paper/ink and t.v. whores over the woman who gave her life for him. The pain I feel is indescribable, as all the pain I've endured for the last 20 years has coalesced into a fine, piercing point & now I know I have lost the battle for the love of my life. My poor sick husband thinks he's better than me. He mind has become so twisted in his indulgences, that he no longer sees me as his beautiful, loving bride; but now I have become some gross laughing stock that can't even get a job as a janitor in a gym. I wish I could say my love was strong enough, to go through another bout of suffering through his addictions, but I'm not. I'm done. I'm going to have to pick up the pieces of my life and move on. Labels: addiction, depression, devestation, distrust, emotional pain, fathers, internet, pornography, sexual addiction, spouse, television
I am so sorry that you are going through this. I also after 21 years am giving up on my marriage. I suggest you go see a couselor. The first things are husband's do is blame us for the fact that they have this addiction. Afer all if we kept them happy they wouldn't stray. Don't buy into this. God created you and He wants us to be treated with honor and respect,. Just remember people treat us the way we allow them to. I know how much it hurts. I feel like I just can't go on. Take each minute at a time if you have to. Just remember God loves you and He will take care of you. Let go of your husband. Pray for him. Only God can help him with this sickness. There is nothing you can do but realize you need to work on loving yourself.
Posted at
March 13, 2008 11:41 AM
Your story has touched me deeply. It brought tears to my eyes. I have been experiencing similar issues, just a bit different. You are a strong woman. I wish you all the best in everything that you decide to do.
Posted at
March 20, 2008 10:34 PM
Oh my gawd!!!! Fly free little bird, you where meant for far greater things, no longer myre yourself in someones addictive behaviour and once you set yourself free then take the time to take a serious look at how addicted you are to your victim role. You can live a wonderfully fullfilling life, you too can learn to love yourself from the inside out, you are a divine being so start treating yourself that way by #1 getting the heck out of that toxic relationship with your husband then get on board with some inner cleansing. much luck to you and make sure you get some help....try your local womens shelter or womens center....they have heard it all and have lots of resources to help you. all the best.
Posted at
April 23, 2008 9:02 PM
Let me begin by saying that I feel desperately for you, though I cannot begin to understand the pain you have endured. I hope and pray that you might find healing and wholeness somehow in the future. You are a victim of a horrible plague that is eating away at the roots of our society. But know this: the love your husband felt for you as he pledged his heart to you in marriage was real, and I daresay that love is still alive in his heart today. It may be buried and locked away, frozen hard, but it is still there i believe, just awaiting the day when the cancer that surrounds it is destroyed. What you have been subjected to no woman deserves - but however hard it is, you have to understand that the one to blame for your pain is not your husband, it is the sin that has him bound in chains. Know that your husband feels pain too, and crushing shame, though he will not easily admit it. And know too, that there is hope for him to be rescued from his slimy pit. I was.
God bless you my dear.
Posted at
April 28, 2008 4:09 AM
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As a young child I suffered abuse by being exposed to pornography repeatedly by my step father. I feel robbed of healthy sexuality. I was taught by pornography that a woman’s value lies in her ability to sexually attract men. Pornography does not teach men and women that sex is about intimacy, connectedness, love or commitment. What pornography teaches is that women are objects of sexual pleasure for men and do not deserve respect or love. As a grown married woman imagine my disbelief when I discovered my husband was (and still is) addicted to pornography. The pain is overwhelming when you begin to feel that you are not enough to keep your husbands attention. As your husbands eyes scan with lust over other women on the street, in restaurants and other public spaces your self-esteem retreats and you are left as an empty shell. You begin to retreat from your own life feeling defeated and in emotional pain. I’ve lost my vigor for life, my faith in God and the dream that life held something special for me. All there is – constant worrying that yet again I will find my husband posting adds on dating sites, browsing the singles adds, spending hours of time looking for that ultimate sexual image and wasting his life in pursuit of false intimacy. So you see, those that claim, “Pornography is no big deal” have never walked a mile in my shoes. They have never had to instill value in themselves because an adult robbed them of true self-worth. Every day another child is exposed to pornography and every day another child is taught that their value lies in external sexuality and lust. As they become adults with their own families, they will be left by themselves with a web of lies to untangle. Some, sadly, will repeat the patterns they learned and another generation will be robbed of wholeness. Labels: addiction, public issues, sexual abuse, spouse
The testimony is sad but true. Pornography influences individual minds which in turn affects the whole culture after a period of time. Pornography continues to feed the mindset of the culture that women are only worth the physical pleasure they bring to men. Up against this mindset, no wonder women feel inadequate. Real sex is no longer about intimacy, nor is it exciting. To a porn addict, real sex is just like bad porn.
I wrote a blog about this commenting on Naomi Wolf's "Porn Myth": http://blogs.covenanteyes.com/2008/02/07/feminist-appeal-comments-about-the-porn-myth/
Luke Gilkerson
Internet Community Manager
Covenant Eyes
Posted at
February 22, 2008 11:15 AM
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I am dating someone who is fighting an addiction to pornography that developed during childhood. Luckily he has targeted it as a problem and realizes he needs to overcome it in order to view women respectfully and experience healthy love. In the meantime, we are being sure to live chastely so that the poison doesn't manifest itself in our relationship. He communicates honestly about it with me, and is slowly but surely becoming stronger in resisting the temptations. I have faith we will have a pornography-free relationship one day so that we can value each other for our true worth in marriage. Labels: addiction, boyfriends, dating, Overcoming Addiction, pornography
I highly recommend Covenant Eyes Accountability software for your boyfriend. I can't overstate the power of being accountable to someone.
I have posted some comments about the power of accountability at http://blogs.covenanteyes.com/topics/why-accountability/
I invite you to go to www.covenanteyes.com and enter promocode 'onefree' to receive a free 30 day trial of the program. That promo code is open to anyone who wants it!
Luke Gilkerson
Internet Community Manager
Covenant Eyes
www.covenanteyes.com
Posted at
February 22, 2008 11:18 AM
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When I was 20 years old I married a young man who had a very serious addiction to pornography. Unfortunately pornography desensitizes a person and can lead him or her to inflict mental, emotional, physical, and sexual abuse upon others, all of which I endured from my husband. His pornography problem continued to progress throughout our marriage as well did the abuse. After almost two years of being married, my self worth was incredibly low and I could not make myself leave my marriage for my own sake. Although I truly believed how worthless that my husband told me that I was, I knew that I could not have children with him and allow them to be hurt. So I filed for a divorce. Though I did have to file a restraining order for a while, eventually I was able to remove him from my life altogether. Shortly thereafter, I was baptized a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints at the age of 22. The people who know me now say that they would never have known that I had ever been a victim of the things that I have described to you. As a result of my faith in the Lord, my family as well as my church family and friends, daily scripture study and prayers, LDS Counseling Services, following the counsel of my great church leaders, and attending the temple, and by believing that there is so much good in the world and by wanting to be a contributor of it, I have indeed become whole and happy again. I am now about to graduate with a bachelor's degree in English and then I hope to go to law school so that I may practice family law and help fight pornography, abuse, and sex trafficking. In the book entitled Believing Christ written by Stephen E. Robinson, he states in Chapter six, on page 123: (Referring to Christ) He knows the private hell of the abused child or spouse. He knows all these things personally and intimately because he lived them in the Gethsemane experience." Matthew 11:28 states: "Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest." The Savior truly loves us so much and I love him very much. Thankfully, every marriage does not have to end like mine. There is great hope in recovery for many individuals who struggle with pornography addiction. I believe that any victim of pornography - that includes the person addicted to pornography and loved ones affected by it - can become whole and happy again. May we all recognize the devastation that pornography is causing in so many lives, and the decency to the world that can be restored by taking a stand against pornography. Labels: addiction, spouse
It is so true. Faith does help to overcome the pain and it also helps set the addict free!
I wrote a portion of my testimony on our company's blog: http://blogs.covenanteyes.com/2008/02/20/how-a-porn-addict-found-hope-between-the-altar-and-the-door/
Accountability plays a significant role unbinding those who are bound in sexual sin.
Luke Gilkerson
Internet Community Manager
Covenant Eyes
Posted at
February 22, 2008 11:09 AM
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I've watched my cousins' family fall apart since I was 11. I am now 16, and at the time, their father was heavily involved with growing marijuana and had been caught several times. He also had been fired from many jobs and abused his wife toward the end of their divorce. The daughter my aunt had given up when she was 16 had re-appeared, and my mother had found my aunt's old boyfriend, the girl's father. My cousins have been moved around a lot and their father lived in his own car for several months at one point. The boys lived in poverty for years and have just recently re-emerged into the lower-middle class. My youngest cousin, 15 now, has been involved with drugs and sex for years, while my other was more studious, but now smokes. I firmly believe that these are their methods of dealing with the changes in their lives. Being computer-savy, I've always snuck around my parents' computers, hiding romance novels or trips to myspace, as many teenagers do. Before my father got his own computer, I'd recognized several porn sites in the history bar, and seen several "windows media player" icons on the desktop with simple titles, such as "01" or "03." I was only mildly surprised when I found two girls in a bathroom upon first click. I new what was going on from an earlier age, I must have been 14, but put it in the back of my mind. When my father got his new computer, my old one, I would find similar files on his desktop. I believe he came very close to watching me discover this once, and when I would snoop around his computer later on, I hadn't found anything. I checked his privacy settings and found firefox set to erase all history and block cookies from everywhere, except for a few select porn sites. I still put it in the back of my mind, thinking, just maybe it was spyware he'd come across somehow. I'd heard stories of these things happening to other people. Not even half an hour ago, I had walked downstairs, passing my father's office with his glass doors on the way. I noticed the reflection of his monitor on a photo he had hanging on the wall, and saw he was just opening up an Internet page. After getting a drink and walking back upstairs again, I stayed on the stairs and watched the reflection. He had a google page open and I watched for almost five minutes until he clicked it away and went back to a previous page. My mother was out of the house and he thought I'd made it all the way back to my room. A window popped up of a girl seemingly in her early 20's. He closed it and I saw a series of video clips lined out across a webpage. The images were blurred because I was further away, but I knew it was a porn site, and more pictures popped up. I turned and went up to my room as quietly as possibly, unsure of what I should be feeling. I was already upset about some friends at school and didn't have anyone to talk to about them. I searched the Internet for advice of people who've caught their father looking at porn, and found several forums stating that "it wasn't their business" and that "your dad can look at whatever he wants." While these things may be true, it still hurts. My parents haven't slept in the same room for over five years and my mother would threaten him with divorces on a daily bases a number of years ago. I had never thought I'd experience any problems with my family, but I was wrong. I feel scarred right now and I don't want to believe what I saw was real. My mother never allowed me much physical contact with my father since I was seven or eight, and I'm almost afraid to know her real reasons. Although talking to someone is my biggest desire at the moment, I can't allow my friends or family to know, because I don't want their opinions of him to change--he's a very nice man, although seemingly largely absent-minded. At the moment, I can only live every day, one day at a time. I don't plan on mentioning it to him at all, and I know it's perfectly legal for him to look at such things, but I just don't believe I'll ever be able to see him as the same person. And if my father has been doing this for so long... what else don't I know about him, and others for that matter? My trust for the male gender has diminished greatly, because the strongest male figure in my life, has just broken my heart without even knowing it. Labels: addiction, everyone is affected, fathers, Overcoming Addiction
You have every right to feel as sickened as you do by this horrible discovery and every right to ask questions about it. You have the right to feel safe in your home and let your parents know that when your dad participates in such behavior that you don't feel safe. You are right that you can't control what your father does but you can let him know how you feel about it. I pray that you will reach out to someone for help, comfort, strength and hope.
Posted at
February 21, 2008 10:59 AM
I know exactly how you feel. Before my parents divorced, my father was heavily into porn, and still is, as far as I know. My mom finally had the courage to kick him out, after 20 years of marriage, but not before he molested my sister and I.
You need to talk to your mom about this, and tell her you do not feel safe. I would definitely be careful around your father. Not having any physical contact with him is wise. Yes, he's your father, but pornography causes men to blur boundaries that should not be crossed. Please, seek help where you can, a school counselor, teacher, relative, anyone who you think can help you. Stay safe.
Posted at
February 29, 2008 8:44 PM
You can do something for your father PRAYING for him will help him.and asking God for the courage to talk to him about how you feel.God knows how you feel about your father and loves him so talk to God and tell him how you feel, ask you to guie you on the descision you make.
Posted at
April 23, 2008 10:57 AM
You care about your dad and want to help him and one way to do it is praying for him daily
Posted at
April 23, 2008 11:00 AM
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After fourty-two years, five children and thirteen grandchildren, I found myself in a loveless marriage. I went to the Lord in earnest prayer. From there I was lead to the computer where I found pornography. My world as I had known it died. I experienced the same emotions that I had when my fourteen month old son was run over and killed in our driveway. Shock, fear, anger, blame, depression and hopelessness. We separated and I thought my marriage had ended. My husband started counseling and invited me to come. I did go but the anger only got worse. I learn there that a person looses the ability to have natural feelings for another when suffering this addiction, and yes it is an addiction. I wondered if I would support my husband if this was about drugs. About a two months later my husband introduce to the "12 Steps" program our church is holding. They recieved permission from AA to use their steps with some changes to include the atonement of Jesus Christ. It is a meeting where I felt safe being able to relate my personal feelings without judgment. Unlike the counseling it was free. Soon we became facilitators and now are helping others through our example of success. The past six months we have been speaking in church meetings, telling our story in hopes of reaching others. Our marriage is better than I ever thought it would be. My love has grown as well as my trust. I have found there are two programs, an "I love you" program and "I trust you" program. The first is up to me but the second is up to him. Ponography is a disease and with the help of our Savior we do not need to travel this painful road alone. Labels: addiction, children, depression, devestation, emotional pain, family, fathers, Overcoming Addiction, Strengthening Our Marriage, Success
I am 21 years old,actualy i must congratulate you for amending this website becase it will some how help to eliminate this problem of ponographic addition.People dont see that ponography is causing alot of danger in our society,i hope this world could have many people like you who care alot about others.
Thank you!
Posted at
February 15, 2008 6:46 AM
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When I met my spouse in 1985, I found quite a collection of disgusting, hard core porn in his home. I dismissed it as him being lonely as he had been divorced for about two years. He also had men calling him for sex. He told me his former girlfriend had placed his phone number in the peep booths at the local porn shop. Being fairly naive, I bought the story. When we moved in together I never found any porn again outside of a random Playboy or Penthouse and really never thought about it after that. In 2003 I developed Herpes Simplex II. I asked him if he had been faithful and he said yes. Because a friend of mine who is a Physician's Assistant told me HSV can remain latent, I thought I had possibly developed it years ago and it suddenly appeared. DUH 21 years later. I have since been told by several physicians that this is basically impossible. Last year, I found hundreds of porn pictures on his work computer. When I confronted him about the pictures, I was mainly concerned that he could easily be fired if someone was checking the servers as he works for a city government. As a HR professional, I had fired people for this exact reason. I then cleaned up his computer temp files and cookies as he didn't know how to do that. As time went on, I kept finding more porn and dating sites in his temp files and cookies. I discovered one link to an adult swingers site. When I confronted him about a profile on the site I believed was his, he admitted to cheating on me one time with an acquaintance of mine. He was sure it was before I developed breast cancer in 2004. He did not want to discuss it any further. Two days later I found an email he sent unsubscribing to a dating site. He denied knowing anything about the email even though it came from his password protected account. That night, he pushed me about 25 feet into my kitchen where I landed on the granite top of my kitchen island and two chairs. I broke my finger, he left and I went to a friend's house. Long story short, I hired a forensic computer analyst to look at our home computer. He found an amazing amount of porn and dating site activity. I confronted my husband again on June 1 and he pushed me through the drywall and left the next day. Our divorce is almost final, he had to admit that he had a STD in the interrogatories. However, he also gave a date for his "one time" cheating that was false as I had recorded his "one night stand" telling me the actual date they met after a bicycle race. It was more than three years earlier. She has also insisted that she does not have Herpes. He had placed her phone numbers in his 1999 planner which was odd as we were never really friends and she live 500 miles from us. I think porn has been a problem for my STBX since he was quite young as I was told by a friend of his that porn was made available to him and his brothers at a very early age. He is also an active alcoholic which I believe he has used to self medicate to ease the pain and shame of his addiction to porn and sex. Internet porn opened up an entirely new opportunity for him to find anonymous sex partners and view sex on line. If anyone thinks that this is not a problem today, they are kidding themselves. If a person is already addicted to porn and masturbation, they now have the ability to watch live sex on-line, as well as find partners in their own zip codes with a quick search of numerous sex sites catering to addicts. His addiction has left me financially strapped, 23 years of my life with him have essentially been wiped clean, and I am no longer a trusting person. If you think your spouse is addicted to porn, it is time to begin monitoring internet activity. And whatever you do, do not infect files by trying to figure things out on your own. Find a person (usually at a university or law enforcement agency)that is trained in finding all the hidden activity. It helped me get an excellent financial settlement, something that is almost unheard of in the State of Michigan. Labels: addiction, debt, distrust, divorce, emotional pain, financial, honesty, internet, lies, pornography, unfaithful
Your story is also mine. Word for word. Mine is finally an ex, as of a month ago and I took him back to court with a modified motion on my settlement because I found thousands of dollars he "lied" about that he'd spent on internet porn, during our separation period and he was actually in contempt of court for using funds for other than "necessities of life". He's working on his "program" now more effectively, so he says, however, I have my doubts, but I'm out, now I need to start recovering. The distrust you feel for your judgement is awful and that's going to take some time to heal.
Thanks for your story, there are many more like us.
Posted at
February 14, 2008 12:07 PM
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I am glad to find this website and to know that there is help and hope for families struggling with this problem. My introduction to this disease really began when our church sponsored a workshop on pornography and my husband of 13 years encouraged me to go. I took the information home and discussed it with him. The next day, following tips from the workshop, I performed a scan on our computer, not expecting anything but wanting to be sure, as we have an adolescent son. Of course, page after page of material turned up in the scan. I panicked at first, thinking of my son, but the times matched up to time my husband was alone in the house. I confronted my husband, and he confessed everything. He had been addicted to pornography for the past ten years. He was hoping I would catch him, because he was not strong enough to tell me himself. He was willing to do whatever it took to leave the addiction behind. We received help and counseling from our clergy, and we went through a twelve-step program on our own using a manual. I made two decisions early on that, I think, greatly increased our chances for success. First, I decided not to let my pride and hurt feelings get in the way of his recovery. It was not about me, and recognizing that made dealing with the whole thing easier. Second, I decided to be very confidential. Besides our clergy, I told only my father, who I turned to for advice and help throughout the ordeal. I did not tell my mother, my siblings, my neighbors, or my friends. I got the support I needed, but I did not burden others with an offence they might not be prepared to forgive. I did not damage my husband's reputation in the eyes of those he cares about. I love my husband, and I am profoundly in love with him. He has been restored, in my eyes, and I rarely think of the addiction that once horrified me. It has been three years today since I confronted him. The first year was very difficult, but also transformative. We weathered the storm together, and it has made us stronger. It has made me a better parent to my children, more compassionate and patient. It has opened my eyes to the danger can be in the lives of those we love, and to the mercy and power of God to heal us. I hope, if you are reading this, you will find the comfort and solace you are looking for in your life. It is such a private problem. There are times I long to tell people what a growth experience this has been for me, how I have changed, how it has made me better. But my loyalty to my husband keeps me from reaching out. I am glad to do this anonymously. There are complete success stories, you just don't hear about them. God loves you and your loved one and you both can find healing and peace. Labels: addiction, family, fathers, spouse, Strengthening Our Marriage, Success
Thank you so much for your story. Wow, you are such a strong woman. I completely relate to your feelings about wanting to reach out and share your story but not doing it because you are so loyal to your husband. I admire that greatly. Your story has already helped me as I'm sure it will many others. Thank you.
Posted at
January 25, 2008 4:19 PM
Once, I too believed in keeping my husband's addiction quiet and confidential out of loyalty to him and our marriage. I must say now, that nine years later, I did myself and my marriage a huge disservice. I cut out a support network for myself and I was dying inside. It shows on the outside. Within the last 7 months, all of my siblings have noticed something not quite right with my marriage and over half of them guessed it was a porn addiction in my husband. It does affect me in a huge and horrible way. I have been going to ARP (a women's group) through my church and there, I have found safety and peace. I know I am not alone, I am a good person, the Lord does love me and my efforts have been good. Having my family know, and his too, along with a few friends, has helped me immensely. I believe in the power of prayer and I feel strength from the prayers offered for me, my husband and my family. My husband can no longer turn his bad choices on me. He can no longer hide behind me. I no longer feel complete guilt and shame over his choices.My husband has thrived on the secrecy. I believe as a wife, you are the best judge of your husband's progress or lack of. I am finally facing the truth in my own marriage---I see the lack of light in my husband's eyes. I recognize the words that are mere words to calm me down and keep me around. My husband now questions whether he is even an addict. I now recognize the cycles he goes through and the lies that keep coming around. I call them lies because nothing has gotten better. Once I thought he would overcome this addiction and now I wonder if he's really hit rock bottom and really wants to.
I am happy for you. It's a wonderful thing to witness the Atonement bless someone's life.
Posted at
June 11, 2008 11:38 AM
Amen to comment #2. It took me several years to realize that I needed to talk to someone about my husbands addiction. I was losing my identity by hiding his problems. I couldn't be my real self because is was covering up for his addiction to protect him. I was not looking out for my own emotional health. This only dragged me down. I came to a point where I knew I could no longer hold in the secret I was carrying. I needed to talk with someone. His cycles were bringing me down.
Since I have communicated with family and very close friends, I have been able to recover my identity and realize that I can no longer "carry" my husband by hiding his addiction. He is the one responsible for his choices so he is the only one who can fix them. I can't. He has to do it! I feel free now that I won't/can't carry him anymore by 'helping' him hide it. This may sound harsh but it has helped relieve me of his burden.
Posted at
June 11, 2008 11:02 PM
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My dad was a bright boy - the kind that struggles in school because they're not challenged. He eventually dropped out and entered the military. He was very proud of his military career, however, and worked very hard at it. A debilitating illness stole his eyesight at a young age, and he found himself unemployed and unemployable, and with a young family. He was devastated and fell into depression. He had decided as a young man that there was no God, and that religion was only a crutch for the weak-minded. So when these life-changing events occurred, he literally had nothing to help him through it. He turned to the only thing that brought him comfort: his pornography. About this time he started abusing and molesting my younger sister. I found out a couple of years later, but I was a teenager and didn't know what to do. I have since found out that since I wasn't the actual victim, there wasn't really anything I or anyone I told could do. The victims were questioned informally about it (possibly both my sisters were molested, I never was sure about the second one), and both denied it. So, in legal terms, "If there's no victim, then there's no crime." Except there was a crime. Even though I was never molested, I feel like I've suffered. I had emotional turmoil for years (counseling helped - I highly recommend it), had a lot of anger, and issues with self-image. And I almost feel like I don't have the right to feel the pain, because I wasn't the victim. It's been hard, having a story to tell, except that I don't have the right to tell it because it's not my story. I remember as a teen knowing that my mom probably didn't know, and not knowing how to tell her. I ended up just withdrawing and staying in my room all the time. One thing that helped me get through those very lonely years was God. It really helped when I'd pray, I could feel His love. That has helped me through my whole life. And our story is different from other stories I've read because there was no violence or threats. My sister was seduced, and to this day is not only not angry with my dad (who has since died), but even feels that his excommunication from the church was somehow her fault. My father abused my sister for over 10 years, into her first marriage. She has seen her life destroyed. Her marriage broke up and she lost guardianship of her two children, who are now grown. She copes by being a very shallow person. She accepts people on the surface, makes excuses for everyone, and just deals with life one day at a time. Pornography is not allowed in my home. And the hardest thing in the world has been to deal with my own teenage boys, who investigate the porn that is freely offered and easily available to today's youth, who have so much more time to spend looking for it than their caring parents have to protect them from it. I haven't told my kids about my family. It's just too much ugliness, and we're all just trying to move on and leave it in the past. But I question my choice when I tell my teenage son pornography is bad, and he spits back at me, "That's your opinion." Oh no it's not. It's fact. And my whole family has the scars to prove it. Labels: addiction, brothers, children, depression, divorce, everyone is affected, family, internet, pornography, sexual abuse, spouse
Tell your kids. The mistake that all of us make is not communicating things and letting it all out when it's already too late. Tell them before hand so they know the ramifications of the things they view and do. They will have an appropriate perspective before having to address these things and take tabs from everyone else but you.
Posted at
January 18, 2008 11:35 AM
Where does everyone think that rape, sexual abuse of children, and adultry stem from!? FROM PORNOGRAPHY!!!! Wake up idiots! Those evils would decrease by probably 99.9% If there was no pornography! People grow to accustom to it's effects, and then it's just not enough for them anymore.
Posted at
January 18, 2008 3:18 PM
i can understand not wanting to share such atrocities with your children. it is understandable that you would want to protect them from anything you could. unfortunately, your family's history with using pornography will affect them just the same, whether or not they know the reason, and knowing the reason may help them to eschew the culprit, pornography, before it is too late and another generation is destroyed. my grandfather was a secret addict, as was my father and now, no surprise, the addiction has its talons deep in my younger brother. telling your children their history gives them the dignity of all important information so they do not proceed unawares and fall into trecherous territory.
Posted at
January 18, 2008 3:47 PM
Tell your kids. I feel like the kids today can handle it and maybe they can learn from other's mistakes. It will give them something to think about if they feel the chains of porn/lust start to take away their self worth. They are exposed to so much on the internet, tv, movies and talk at school. Porn and abuse feeds off secrets and lies. We need insightful young men today so give your boys a chance to stand up for good. Just an idea and I feel it is always good to check with people that know you and your family.
Posted at
July 1, 2008 7:11 AM
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Perhaps, although probably too late for me, this story will help others. My life involving pornography began in the mid 60's, when there was not much knowledge of the problem or hope for help. I married the man of my dreams and we had many positive aspects to our marriage. It was a sweet enough relationship to bring seven children into this world. However, I, like others express in their stories, knew something was wrong, but it was 10 years into our marriage until I found out what it was. When discovered at age 12, he was told not to talk about it, yet talk was what we both needed. I would have seen us through, but he decided I couldn't and after affairs finally left. I do not claim to have been a perfect wife, but I loved my husband with all my heart and still do. My life and the lives of my children have all been impacted by his addiction to pornography. Yes, he tried to keep 'it' from us, but it is impossible to keep the effects on one's life, one's disposition, one's inner spirit, one's escape mechanisms from affecting those around us. Many of our children have struggled with their own addictions, but hopefully have overcome . . . I don't know, for they, too, have learned to not talk about their problems. My heart aches, and I write only to encourage those involved to TALK (One counselor told me that 85% of those who communicated -- shared in overcoming the problem made it -- only 35% of those who did not talk made it)-- GET IT OUT IN THE OPEN -- GET HELP. DON'T EMBRACE THE LIE THAT THIS IS JUST THE WAY I AM. MINDS CAN BE CHANGED. LIVES CAN BE CLEANED. GOOD LUCK!! Labels: addiction, early addiction, family, pornography, spouse, unfaithful
Thank you so much for your encouraging words. Accountability is really one of the best tools for those who are trying to break free from addiction (http://blogs.covenanteyes.com/2008/01/24/why-accountability-part-1/).
I work for Covenant Eyes, a company that makes Internet accountability software for those who want greater integrity with their Internet usage. It is so rewarding to read testimony after testimony from those who have found freedom in confession and removing the anonymity of Internet usage.
God bless!
Posted at
January 31, 2008 12:41 PM
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After a few months being together, I found out that my boyfriend had had a problem with pornography. I thought it was a past issue and never really worried. I tried to make things less awkward or hard for him like not walking through the intimates section while going through a store or something. Later on in the relationship, he confessed his ongoing struggle. I told him I already knew he had had problems and that we would try and beat this together. He was so grateful that I wasn't hurt by the fact of what he was into so deeply. Months later, he told me in much more detail and openness about his struggles he had gone through over the course of things. He had never told anyone so much about it. He was in tears and anguish over what he had done. He had never meant to get into it. He had be an adolescent when it started. He struggled for years and years. He overcame it about 2+ years ago and has been clean since, though some days are harder than others. Though I trust him and know he doesn't want to return to that awful place, he says it helps that I periodically check in on it. Another experience I've had with pornography is that it tore my family apart. My biological father looked at it much through out his life and as a result it greatly affected his mind. Over the years growing up, it has become more and more apparent. He stayed up late, was grouchy, defensive, and his personality and attitude will never be the same. I've seen some of the names of the sites and its horrible. Plus, he never even told my mom. She found out through a counselor they saw. And in the last few years, the way he acts towards my younger sister has been getting somewhat disturbing. It really is a poison that needs to be flushed out of the world. It tears up families, lives, souls, hearts; if we let it, it will tear the world. Labels: addiction, boyfriends, distrust, emotional pain, family, fathers, pornography
My husband is a porn addict. (casual porn addict, as he does not fully believe he's addicted since he doesn't look at it at every chance, ever day). I sure wish he would come to me crying sometimes, or at least sad, being honest with me telling me things...but usually we start with a fight where I tell him I am feeling so sick cuz I know he is holding things back...and after him saying many times that nothing is wrong and he gets angry I keep pushing, he eventually gives in every couple months and tells me what I pry for.
I can relate, my dad was a sex addict all his life, which involves porn, and all aspects, he'd basically have sex with anyone, and could never be faithful in his 4 different marriages. He is now in prison for accused "rape" I don't really picture him forcing sex on someone, but I don't feel bad even if it is a false accusation because he lived his life in a way that put him in a bad position, so now he's in prison. I really thought I married a deep, religious man who saw porn and similar things as unappealing filth. Instead he looks at it, then doesn't take his problem seriously, and he never seems like he feels very sorry for it. I am happy to know that your man overcame his problem. I hope my husband will soon, or at least be honest, or we'll be looking at divorce soon.
Posted at
June 3, 2008 5:33 PM
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This summer I was engaged to the man of my dreams. He was everything I had ever wanted. Charming, caring, gentle, and incredibly involved and devoted to our faith. And then something happened. He spent two months out of the country and when he returned everything had changed. All the sudden nothing I do was right. I wasn't pretty enough, I wasn't skinny enough, I didn't care enough about him, I wasn't smart enough. I could do nothing right. Within a matter of a month my self esteem was completely shot. I had no idea who I was anymore and I had no idea what had happened to my amazing fiance and love of my life. With time the truth came out and he told me that he was addicted to pornography. It was a problem that started when he was ten years old and he had it somewhat under control until he left the country. I wish more men out there new what their choices do to the people they love. I wish they knew what it makes us feel like. Labels: addiction, depression, emotional pain
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I knew before I even married my husband that he had struggled with pornography, but he gave me every impression that the struggle was in the past. He seemed genuinely focused on fighting against it and so firm in his faith, and we ended up getting married in May of 2002. Well, not long into our marriage, I found out that he had indeed been looking at porn even once we were married. Fortunately, it was something he told me, reluctantly, in response to a direct question. It makes it easier to maintain even a semblance of trust, when I know he has never outright lied to me about it. He struggled off and on, with me trying to hold him accountable, and we finally ended up in a pastor's office seeking help in the fight. After that, he set up a lot of safeguards, and he did much better and even had a year-long stretch where he looked at nothing. He requested some of the privileges back that he had willingly given up. I agreed, and not long later, he looked at porn again. Since then, he has looked at least every couple months, and sometimes a couple times a week. He says he's trying to fight, but he has figured out how to get around most of the safeguards we had, and he is unwilling to submit to more restrictive measures. We have filters and other restrictions on our home computer, so he nearly always looks at porn on his work laptop, something that could get him fired. For a while, he was looking at porn several times a week AT WORK! He also sometimes looks at it on our cell phone, which has internet access. What can I do? For me, divorce is not an option. He really hates it, and confesses to me every time he falls. I can trust him to tell me the truth, but I cannot trust him alone with a computer. On the one hand, he's really sorry, but then he tells me that his sin is no worse than mine (namely, yelling when I am angry) and that I have no right to make a firm stand against it. If I can leave him (or even separate temporarily) over porn, then he can leave me over my yelling, since that is breaking the vow to always love and cherish him. In fact, he makes it very clear that seeking counseling about the porn will heavily involve fixing all of my problems, too. Don't get me wrong - I really want to become a better wife and mother and would love help in that process, but I get sick of his problems being twisted around an placed back on my shoulders. I wish I could rid the world of pornography and I fear for my kids. He was exposed at the age of 11 - how can I protect my son from the same experience? And how can I redeem our marriage and make it into what it is supposed to be? Labels: addiction, distrust, emotional pain, lies, pornography, spouse
Please know that what he is doing threatening you and being manipulative. He is probably just trying to avoid accountability. Go to counseling no matter what he says. Loving and cherishing does not mean we will never yell. There is really no comparison between porn problems and yelling. Seeing a counselor or a religious leader will give you perspective that you both need. I wish you all the best.
Posted at
January 17, 2008 2:34 PM
I agree with this last comment. He needs to go to counseling. my husband did the counseling and a support group and it actually helped him understand his problem better therefore was easier to fix. I think he still struggles with it sometimes,but counseling was the best thing he ever did. Good luck!
Posted at
January 17, 2008 2:46 PM
As a pastor I can tell you that "cherishing" you means he needs to stop using his creative sexual energy with those who are not his wife. Jesus said that in Moses day it was Thou shalt not commit adultery, but in his ministry he taught that those who look upon others in lust have already committed adultery in their hearts. I agree with these other ladies, go seek counseling or a addictio support group. You need it!
Posted at
January 18, 2008 1:48 AM
One thing to realize about pornography addiction is that control is the game. Your husband is trying to scare your into his control by telling you the problem is yours but it is not. He is trying to turn the focus away from his own problem. I agree with the other ladies, go and get help. It is possible to kick pron addiction, but he has to want it more than he does right now. One thing that helped me and my husband in dealing with this problem, was to stop trying to blame and attack each other, but blame and attack the problem.... PORN. If somehow, that can be your focus and his, then the hurtful controling comments he makes will have no place anymore. Please have confidence that it is not your fault. I am sure that he is a good man. PORN is the problem. And you can fight it together.Good luck.
Posted at
January 19, 2008 7:06 PM
Dear Sweet Sister,
First of all YOU cannot redeem your marriage. Only the Lord can, take it to the LORD, lay it as his feet. The Lord has already redeemed for your weaknesses and for your Husbands. Everyone has weaknesses that take us away from our Savior that is how the adversry works, he will use all that he can to lead us away from a meaningful relationship with the Savior. So dont let him (Satan) use your weakneeses aginst you by creating guilt, blame and contention. The goal is to keep your eye single to the Glory of God, what do God and Jesus want for you...they want you both to find joy, peace and progression. Try reading the PeaceGiver it helps put a lot of things in perspective.
I found something today that has helped me, I am going to try to put into action "Love is the addicts most important need, not sex or pornography or whatever else the object of his addiction might be" Your husband has a diseaase (so does mine). He is not well and all of his cruel actions are one of the symptoms of the disease. Maybe your Love can be part of the cure. When I read the quote above the spirt whispered to my soul..you can do that you can love him (and if you feel like you cant, the Lord will help you so that you can.) and maybe that will give him a part of the armor he needs in his daily battle against
Pornography a.k.a Satan.
Make no mistake my sweet sister, you are at WAR with Satan, if you go to war with eachother too you have no hope of winning, but if you together as a couple become allies, and call upon GOD to be your General, you WILL WIN!!! And Be the better for it.
Posted at
April 27, 2008 2:32 PM
Please read the book, "The Verbally Abusive Relationship," by Patricia Evans. This will be a great support to you. Your husband is also verbally abusive. This is not something you can do anything about. It isn't YOU. Stop listening to what he is saying and listen to your heart. You need to leave. No one should stay in an abusive relationship.
Posted at
May 15, 2008 3:21 AM
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Pornography destroyed my life. Strong, loving, righteous families are the solution. Television is a huge problem. Your kids may not look at pornographic magazines or the extremely explicit internet, but they watch TV, a lot of it. It was TV for me, TV and video games. Sexy scenes on TV shows, constant innuendo from sitcoms, and the power fantasies from video games. Sexy commercials. That's where it started, in my mind, and grew unchecked to destroy my life. Please take this seriously: Television is the prime source of pornography for your children. Movies as well. How many kids know about "Austin Powers" as an example? Labels: addiction, devestation, everyone is affected, television, video games
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After our first year in marriage, I discovered my husband had an addiction to pornography. I was so heartbroken and felt so betrayed. At first he denied everything and then acted like it wasn't a big deal. I pleaded with him to stop and explained how hurtful it was to me and our marriage. Years passed and the addiction continued, as he became better at hiding his habit. I began to pretend the problem wasn't there, anything to stop the pain I felt in my heart over and over. I thought it was my fault, that he wasn't attracted to me or I wasn't good enough to be his wife since he always needed something/someone else. After 10 years of marriage, I was lost inside and he was happy go lucky with no care or clue why our relationship was not very intimate. Eventually, I fell in love with someone else and left this painful marriage. I still feel the pain in my heart today, that we could not come together and battle this addiction. Now as a single parent of one son, I want to protect him from learning this from his father . Funny thing is he still doesn't understand how this addiction affected our marriage and that we divorced for a reason of which was my fault, falling for someone else. I am relieved to know that my pain and hurt is real and other people are aware of this problem. For many years I thought I had some hormonal problem for not wanting to be with my husband intimately. My only problem was not dealing with it properly at the time Labels: addiction, distrust, divorce, emotional pain, lies
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Finally! Someone else who shares my burden to stop the perverted sickness called "pornography". Where do I even start? My father grew up in a home with a lecherous, abusive father, & both of his siblings turned out to be homosexual. He had & probably still has a serious addiction to porn. He went on to sexually abuse me from about age 3 to about 11, threatening to kill my mom if I ever told her. I didn't remember the abuse until I was 18, two years after he left. He may have abused my brother, 3 years my junior, but he did sodomize my brother that is 11 years younger than me because he remembered it. This 2nd brother, in turn, around age 10 or 11, went on to molest his three younger siblings. He was caught & admitted to it all when he was 14 & spent the next 18 months locked up in a facility for boys like that. He has had a porn addiction, as well as having premarital sex with two girls. He is trying hard, with God's help to overcome & change, but this will take a will of iron & many years of healing. The other brother I mentioned has been addicted to porn since his teen years, when he found the old man's stash. I have been able to find healing & hope through my relationship with Jesus Christ, & I praise Him for that. However, our father vehemently denies that he ever touched us, & we have no contact with him. Every member in my family has been viciously & deeply hurt by this, from my mom down to my youngest sibling. All of them are recovering & doing well, but you never get totally over it. My husband of 8 years had a porn addiction prior to our marriage, thanks to his mom bringing it into the home when he was 9. God has been good, as he only had one relapse after we married & my husband is honest about his struggles with temptation, & there are certain safeguards we maintain to help him overcome the temptations that would lead him back down that road. He & I have determined that the evil that has been passing down the generations STOPS with us. We so carefully guard what our young son & daughter see. I go through all mail (catalogs, mailers, magazines, etc) before either my husband or kids can get a hold of them so that they will not accidentally stumble upon it. We must take a stand! We must contact even local stores like Victoria's Secret that display pornography in public places, forcing our husbands & children to see this crap! Thanks for this site. Always remember, with Jesus, our wounds & hearts can be healed. Labels: addiction, brothers, divorce, fathers, sexual abuse
Your attitude is great! It STOPS WITH US! That is how I feel too. I experienced similar things, abused by my father, who now denies touching me (and my sister), my brother learning to molest my sister, and he denies any wrongdoing as well. It has to STOP! That is my vow, that I will not allow the pornography and abuse to continue with my kids!
Posted at
May 21, 2008 11:40 AM
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I'm younger than pretty much everyone on here, since I'm not quite fourteen. My father became addicted to porn. I don't know how exactly when it started, but it led to the end of my parents' marriage when I was five years old. We don't know if he's still addicted or not, and I rarely see him. If that wasn't enough, he got my brother hooked on pornography six years ago, when he was just thirteen. When he got addicted, he was cruel and really didn't care much anymore. His grades really suffered, and it affected his whole life. My brother suffered quite awhile with his online addiction, but has fully overcome it. We are really close, and he acts as a father to me. We hope that one day we are sure that my father is also through with his addiction. Labels: addiction, brothers, children, divorce, fathers
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My "father" was addicted to pornography. I no longer claim him as my father because of the horrible things my sister and I endured from him. My mom caught him with porn magazines when I was a baby. I think she was in denial about the extent of his problem. No one can tell me that pornography doesn't lead to criminal behavior, because it does, my sister and I were sexually abused by our "father." It was all a big secret, something we weren't supposed to talk about, so he never has been punished for any of it. When I was 19, my mom discovered that he was viewing pornographic websites on the computer. She finally had the courage to kick him out and divorce him after that. I was married shortly thereafter, and have not had contact with him at all since they got divorced. My brother still talks to him, and it sounds like our "father" is still into it. I have my own sweet daughters and a baby boy to protect, and I will not allow them to be around that monster. Luckily with counseling, anti-depressants, and a wonderful, supportive husband, I am mostly over what happened to me at his hands. My sister is not so lucky. She is suffering from eating disorders and she cuts herself, and her counselor is trying to get her admitted to an in-patient treatment program for her problems. Pornography destroys individuals and families, no matter what anyone says, I know it's true. Labels: addiction, children, depression, devestation, eating disorders, family, sexual abuse
I want to update my story just a bit. My sister, thankfully, was admitted to an in-patient eating disorder program shortly after Thanksgiving. She is progressing well, and will be coming home soon, though her recovery will be a lifelong thing. She has been having extensive counseling, and has divulged many more instances of horrendous sexual abuse that our "father" did to her than she ever told anyone about. She suffered a lot more than I ever did at his hands. Those emotional scars will be with her for life, and will be part of her ongoing battle against her eating disorders.
I know his sexual deviance began with his viewing of pornography. It feeds unhealthy sexual appetites, and soon the addict will stop at nothing to feed the appetite, even if it means hurting those whom he should be loving and protecting.
Posted at
February 29, 2008 8:30 PM
I "plead" with you to find the courage and the strength to tell your children! I am a survivor of sexual abuse. I kept this secret and many others (about him) for almost 30 years. I only know now that the secrecy is the lifeblood of addiction, abuse, etc. It was not easy to tell them but as events take place in our lives I am increasingly thankful that I found the courage to speak out! You can too--you will know when the time is right. My experiences have taught me that Christ is the ultimate healer and He is with us every step of the way.
Posted at
March 2, 2008 8:17 PM
Your Mom "rocks"! My Mom was not so lucky--after 55 years of marriage the tragic scars of abuse took her life. "If only" are words that haunt me still. My sister and I struggle each day with the effects that sexual abuse have had on our lives. My "father" still denies his part, my brothers say what's the big deal? Finally, after 6 years I realize that they do not want to understand (they don't have to, it didn't happen to them). For my sister and I it's different. We help each other as best we can and have learned to work through the pain that eventually killed our Mom. We can have a better life, we CAN speak out and we have. Justice may not come in this life--but healing has!
Posted at
March 2, 2008 8:38 PM
I think I will eventually tell my children, when they are older, what happened to me and my sister. For now, if they see pictures of my "father", I just tell them he is a bad man that did bad things so that's why they never can see him. When they are old enough to not be really upset by what happened, I will tell them, so they can protect themselves. While my sister was in the Eating disorder center, she finally told that my brother had abused her as well, my brother that is still in contact with our "father." We see my brother still, so I just make sure my kids are never alone with him. I will not allow the abuse to continue!!
Posted at
May 21, 2008 11:46 AM
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I am so GLAD to see this site and what you are doing to fight this devastating disease called pornography. I learned about my husband's over 20 years addiction a few months ago after he had an affair. I am still so devastated and alone and utterly disgusted. I don't know what the future holds for us since I still can't trust him. He is in recovery and I hope will stay there I have hope one day things will turn out but every day I wonder if this will be the day for our family to be destroyed by this terrible thing. I hope and pray that The Lighted Candle Society will get somewhere with this and something will change. SO many families are being torn apart to this it is so incredibly sad to see this every where. There are so many men out there with this terrible addiction. This industry needs to be stopped!! Labels: addiction, devestation, distrust, everyone is affected, honesty, lies, pornography
I was in the same situation as you. My husband was addicted to porn and then had an affair. We are both getting help with separate therapists. And we both attend 12-step meetings: he for sex addiction and me for relatives of sex addicts, SA and S-Anon respectively. Please look into it as it will help you feel better about the situation.
Signed, Praying that our marriage survives in PA.
Posted at
May 11, 2008 2:48 PM
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What's troubling is to see so many women react so negatively toward men who are addicted. What they don't realize is that addiction is mammoth. What addicts need is love and encouragement, not fear and loathing. The shame women cast on men with that addiction is so counter-productive. My husband has been addicted for 8 years. I work with him - and he has opened up to me without fear of anger or recrimination. I believe we'll have this beat before too long. Maybe some women can think twice before they leave their husbands because of their mental illness. If they're trying to overcome, we ought to lovingly help. Labels: addiction, divorce, Overcoming Addiction, Success
While I agree with you that our husbands will likely only be able to overcome with our love and support, I think wives need to have permission to be angry. They shouldn't STAY in that anger -- it will only continue to poison -- but I think there is so much of a feeling that it must be our fault, or that we shouldn't be angry, that we often stuff our feelings down until we feel like a shell.
I know that in the beginning, my anger came from feeling like I had been cheated of what I supposedly had been given: I had worked VERY hard to keep myself pure before marriage and thought I was marrying someone who was promising me the same. When I found out that he wasn't -- and the extent to which that wasn't the case -- I felt betrayed and cheated. And then, when my husband tried to introduce less-than-wholesome aspects into our intimate life, I felt even more so. I was angry that he was bringing filth into the home that I thought we were trying to hard to keep as a refuge from the world -- for our children's sake and our own.
That being said -- once I understood where his problems were coming from (abuse as a preteen, mostly) and could see that he genuinely wanted to get better, it was easier for me to forgive and focus on helping him. But, I needed time to be angry and to feel that that anger was valid.
My husband has been "sober" now for 2, 3 years (it's so wonderful that I honestly can't remember how long it's been) -- because we've worked together. Because he has forgiven himself and felt the Lord's forgiveness. Because neither one of us gave up.
Posted at
January 17, 2008 12:52 PM
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About 3 weeks ago, I caught my wedding ring on something and a part of it got bent. I remember thinking with relief, "Bent, not broken. This can be fixed." I find this extremely ironic as only a day or two afterward, I discovered that my husband had been looking at porn again and had been dishonest with me about it, even given the opportunity to come completely clean. The anguish I have been feeling flows through my body like the very poison that threatens to destroy him... About 4 years ago, I caught him the first time. There were a lot of emotions and promises, and I let myself believe that this betrayal would somehow go away. Every 6 months to a year, I would question him about it, and he would reassure me that though he wasn't perfect, the problem was in the past. My heart shattered as I learned that this was not really the case, and that he had lied to me. I was prepared to leave as I said I would, but he is working very hard at this relationship, and we have found a hope that we didn't know existed before. A friend of mine, who is in school studying the psychology of sexual addiction, suggested that we visit a website about sexual addiction. We found answers and help there that we had never seen before. While it is not easy, and I am struggling to make it from one day to the next right now, my husband is working harder at our relationship than he ever has in 10 years of marriage. He has committed to pay whatever price he has to for the proper therapy and is showing his commitment to me and our children every day. I have watched him shed many tears of remorse as he expresses to me that he is seeing how much this hurts me. He is even being honest about the little tiny things that don't really matter in life, and as long as I see that continue, I am willing to help him overcome this evil. While this has knocked the wind out of me, and the last three weeks have been an emotional roller coaster I wish I could just get off of, I do have hope...Yes, the pain is excruciating at times. Yes, the anger creeps into my heart. Yes, I am exhausted beyond description and yes, I am fighting to find my self worth again. That being said, I realize that as long as we are *both* willing to fight this demon we can overcome it. As I look at my wedding ring, I realize my marriage is only bent, not broken, and this can be fixed. I am not giving up without a fight. Labels: addiction, family, lies, Overcoming Addiction, Strengthening Our Marriage, Success
Thank you for sharing your trial and the insite of your marriage being bent not broken-it hits home. I know I need to work harder at remembering this and find a way to fall in love again with my husband.
Posted at
January 17, 2008 12:14 PM
Look up emofree.com It works with porn addiction!!! and healing!!! My heart & prayers are with you!!!
Posted at
January 17, 2008 11:43 PM
I hope that you will be able to feel, one day that your worth never depends on somebody's actions - even if you love them. Your worth never alters, no matter what others do. That will ALWAYS be TRUE.
Posted at
May 2, 2008 5:47 PM
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I was surprised to see that someone else who had posted on your website shares an almost identical story as my own. I was once in love with someone who was addicted to pornography. His family, my family and all of our friends in whom we confided did not see anything wrong with his 'habit.' Eventually, after over two years and many lies, he lost my trust and respect and God helped me out of the relationship. I then dated a devout Christian after asking him if he had ever had an addiction to pornography. He told me that he 'used to be' addicted to pornography but had overcome it. I found out later that he had only been pornography-free for 5 months. Although this was a step in his process of healing, he had so many more to overcome. Eventually, he too lost my trust and respect and I left this relationship as well. Before I even agreed to date my husband, I asked him if he had EVER been addicted to pornography. The poison of pornography lasts years and spreads into so many aspects of a person's life; I was no longer willing to risk allowing pornography to hurt my relationships or my future children. I thank God everyday for the wonderful blessing in my life that is my husband and I sometimes contemplate the life I could have had if I had not been given the courage and strength to leave. Labels: addiction, divorce, family
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My husband has been addicted to porn for all of our three decades of marriage and many years prior to that. Countless times he has sworn to me that he has stopped the porn, but he just gets better at hiding it. I am done. I have given him so many second chances. Enough is enough. I am leaving him even though I love him and we have no other major problems. I am tired of his lies. He presents a false image to me and to everyone in his life. I want to be free of this poison at last. Labels: addiction, divorce, lies
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My brother-in-law found pornography on the web. He was addicted to it for awhile but was able to get help and now it has been about a year and a half since he looked at porn. He told his wife when he was looking at it that it felt like the Devil had taken over him. His wife is having a very hard time trusting him again. I am so thankful for what The Lighted Candle Society is doing!! I have 4 beautiful children that I want to shield from porn so I want to really fight this evil. There are also so many people I know that have had their families torn apart from pornographies evil affects. Labels: addiction, children, evil, internet
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I was once in love with a person addicted to pornography. I left him, and found someone who was devoutly religious. I was shocked to find out some time later that he too was addicted to pornography. Before I even agreed to date my husband, I asked if he had EVER been addicted to pornography. I could not handle what it does to a relationship and I did not want my future children to be exposed to it. Labels: addiction, children, dating
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The individual I know of who has won a great battle with porn began with a pre-school exposure to Playboy by a friend who had one of their father's magazine. Because of a strong conscience most of the damage was limited to a lot of emotional discomfort around girls growing up... Eventually the temptation led to seeking out artistic nudes at libraries during lunch. Through extraordinary efforts, this individual has overcome the addiction and the images have faded, although he still remains EXTREMELY cautious and guarded. Labels: addiction, emotional pain, Overcoming Addiction
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