Monday, July 21, 2008
I confronted my husband about pornography and masturbation two years ago. I don't know, it just came out of me. He did not deny it and said he felt guilty. He would always want me to do things that didn't quite feel right. We separated for about six weeks. As this was not my first marriage and I loved him - I told him I did not want a divorce. He said he would "try" harder not to go there. But time after time he would return. I am a 53 year old woman who is on her fourth marriage. I have been married for eight years. I had four children at home and thought I had met my prince charming, finally. I now only have one son who is seventeen.
I confronted my husband about pornography and masturbation two years ago. I don't know, it just came out of me. He did not deny it and said he felt guilty. He would always want me to do things that didn't quite feel right. We separated for about six weeks. As this was not my first marriage and I loved him - I told him I did not want a divorce. He said he would "try" harder not to go there. But time after time he would return.
In the last 3-6 months I have been closer emotionally and intimately with him. Things have changed a little for the better in some areas. I know pornography is an intimacy issue for them. My husband was horribly abused as a child and forced to do awful things. I am a Christian woman so I decided to turn it over to God. In some of our intimate talks he has stated he did not know "why" he does it. He did do some counseling (about 6 sessions). They informed him of how devastating this is to your wife and family. I have seen him be in his own world - like he is not present in the moment and can also be very grumpy.
He has changed a lot but after two years and broken promises he has not "CHOSEN" to deal with this problem and when the stresses of life become to difficult that is where he goes - to fantasy. Recently I gave him an ultimatum. It was me or "IT". He moved out.
I cried for three days. My clergy said not to give up hope - as he had come in to discuss the problem with him. He told me he said he knew he needed to deal with the problem. That was about a week ago. He came back just a few days later needing sex and stayed.
I feel like the crazy one because I just don't know what to do. Today I told him this was not what I signed up for. He spent the day with himself (which is how they cope with the shame and the guilt) and said he felt obligated to come home and spend some time with me.
Last evening he told me "he was messed up" and wanted to talk to me but when he came home there was no talking. He looked exhausted and just went to sleep. It is hell for them too if they have a conscious. I told him I deserved better and not to do me any favors. He should want to be with me no matter what. I told him my life was a living hell with him. I don't sleep. This drives me crazy. I appreciate someone else's story as I know what they have gone through and their is hope in the future for me and my life.
Labels: addiction, communication, distrust, divorce, emotional pain, pornography, sexual abuse
Thank you for sharing your story. It is so brave and helpful of you. There are so many of us who hurt and it helps to feel that we are not alone. I am so sorry for your pain. I admire your commitment to your marriage. I hope it is rewarded with a happy ending. However it goes I hope you know that his problem is not about you and it is not something that you can fix. That is entirely up to him. I hope for the happiness of you both that he will be able to have a complete and full change of heart. May God speak peace to your heart and sustain you at this time.
Posted at July 24, 2008 12:31 AM
I empathize with your story, I do. But remember that he isn't the only one on trial. Life is difficult and every person on this earth has a vice - his happens to be a horribly addictive one, but no less gripping than perhaps your own secret vices. He has likely grown an addiction as a coping mechanism to deal with stress and medicate his shame. It is a sad addiction because it feeds off human nature and the mind is itself a stage, a client and a pharmacy.
If you want to help him, don't judge him, castigate, or give desperate ultimatums . . . just love him . . . try to understand him. As much as it hurts to realize, his addiction isn’t about you or your rejection, it’s about his profound personal loss of self. Ask yourself if you hurt for yourself or do you hurt for your husband who has lost his way. Your answer is the key to true recovery. Instead of focusing on your offended sensibilities and rejection, help him understand himself. While he makes the decisions as to his agency, you play an important role in his ability to overcome. Don’t ever forget that the addiction lies in the secret and the shame. And I believe you inadvertently cast shame on him by some of the things you said about him in your letter. Moreover, when you married him you did sign up for whatever came at you (through thick and thin, better or worse). That is the marriage covenant you made.
Lastly, as a coping mechanism I suggest you and your husband fight the pornography industry. Spend your energy not emotionally crucifying your husband who is as much a victim as you but exert that energy by fighting the source of that insidious addiction. As you and your husband spend your time better understanding the addiction and fighting the source you may both find healing. He may finally see the lie within the lie and you may see him for who he is; a desperately struggling son of God who needs love and encouragement . . . not once, or twice or 100 times . . . but as long as it takes even if it’s forever. If God won’t give up on us, why on earth do you think you have the right to give up on someone? This problem of pornography is a test for you as much as your husband. The real question is will you step up to the plate and help him win the battle or will you be another pathetic statistic of defeat (both for yourself and him)?
Posted at July 30, 2008 11:46 AM
Let yourself be guided. You are the expert on your marriage. You, and only you, know how much you're willing and able to take.
I chose to divorce my addicted husband after 17 years of marriage. It was the right choice. It was also the most difficult choice I've ever had to make.
Circumstances vary greatly. No one can know what is right for you but you. Trust yourself.
I'm all for fighting the porn industry, but you have four children. I have three. They are my first priority. When I realized that divorce in my particular circumstances would minimize consequences for my children, I moved fearlessly forward.
I still feel love for my ex husband. Because I chose to divorce him, it certainly doesn't mean that I've given up on him.
The best advice I can offer you is take your time. Pray for patience.
If you are guided to divorce like I was, please don't see yourself as "another pathetic statistic of defeat." Sometimes divorce is the most loving thing we can do.
Trust that you will be guided.
Posted at July 30, 2008 2:00 PM
I was the author of the “I empathize with your story” comment . . .
When you have children you are no longer your own . . . that is certain. Yet, imagine telling your son or daughter that you are no longer going to be their parent because they’re into drugs, alcohol or pornography. Would you give up on them? Would it be a “loving thing to do” to leave them to fight it out on their own because it offended you or you were tired? When you get married and have children you both have a responsibility to work things out. Divorce is the quintessential cop-out strategy of this generation. It has become the primary solution to problems people don’t want to face or solve. Certainly I believe divorce can justified when a man or woman is physically abusive, oppressive or threatens the safety of you or your children. But if a man’s troubles are confined to viewing pornography and he feels shame and self-hatred and desperately wants to overcome it, you owe it to him and your children to be bigger than his addiction.
If you truly understand the addiction you’ll realize that relapse is not only common, but to be expected. Make no mistake, the journey is a long and difficult road – so don’t deceive yourself into thinking he’ll completely beat it in a year or even 5. Recovery is as unique as the individual who’s addicted. It may be the battle of a lifetime. And perhaps the litmus test for you determine his sincerity is whether he keeps trying (trying and succeeding are not the same). And if he stumbles, it’s not your privilege to kick him while he’s down. What if the tables were turned and he did that to you? Moreover, it would be a grave mistake to think that if he relapses he is in effect saying that he doesn’t love you. This is likely the furthest thing from the truth. Remember that the addiction is larger than the two of you combined. It will take great effort. But it will be worth it. Don’t let pornography beat you both and separate you.
I agree with the above writer inasmuch as you must trust yourself. But be sure your reasons are truly justifiable. Hurt feelings aren’t a good enough reason to destroy a family. I’m not sure what the author of “Let yourself be guided” was going through, but my guess is that she was counseled to divorce her husband on grounds OTHER than pornography. So it would be helpful for her to either be more detailed in her grounds for divorce lest you get confused and think that her veiled circumstances are equal to your own or not suggest that her circumstances are on par with yours.
There is no benevolence in divorce – not ever. It is either a desperate escape from eminent danger (which is justified) or it is defeatism – nothing in between. I don’t mean to offend you, but if your only grounds for divorce are his “viewing pornography” you are weaker than your husband and you have let pornography beat the two of you. Stand and fight for what you and your husband have tried to build! He is sick, he needs help, not abandonment. He most certainly needs help beyond your capacity to help him – and that is quite normal. You will teach him little (if anything) by abandoning him – and will inadvertently show your children through your actions that marriage is a fungible commitment. Remember that you promised your husband and God that you would honor your marriage “for better or for worse”.
Posted at July 30, 2008 11:58 PM
To the very brave 53 year old woman in her fourth marriage...
I've read and reread your story. I am so sorry for your pain and hope my words have been and will be of some comfort.
I understand first hand what it's like to "feel like the crazy one because I just don't know what to do." What occurs to me is that you're already doing what you need to do.
As you so courageously stated, you've already "turned it over to God." Continue to do so. He will guide you in His wisdom as though you are His only child. Trust Him.
I know it's hard. No matter what path you choose - to stay or to go - it will be hard.
As I said before, circumstances vary greatly. Let me add, heartbreak is heartbreak. I feel yours and hope for your recovery.
I can only repeat what I said in my last comment. Take your time. Pray for patience. Trust that you will be guided. I was and you will be too.
Posted at July 31, 2008 8:59 PM
