Monday, July 7, 2008
For years he has accused me of cheating and doing horrible things. 22 years into our marriage I saw a Maury show where they took lie detector test to prove they had been faithful. I arranged to take the test from an ex-FBI examiner to put an end to his paranoid accusations. I took the test and went through disgusting questions that were a violation of my private life. Of course I passed the test with flying colors. I did this for his happiness to prove my loyalty.
I was wrong. (read the entire entry... click here)I met my now husband when I was only 14. I was a virgin and he is the only man I have ever known. I have been faithful for 25 years. I learned about sex from him and always trusted him.
For years he has accused me of cheating and doing horrible things. 22 years into our marriage I saw a Maury show where they took lie detector test to prove they had been faithful. I arranged to take the test from an ex-FBI examiner to put an end to his paranoid accusations. I took the test and went through disgusting questions that were a violation of my private life. Of course I passed the test with flying colors. I did this for his happiness to prove my loyalty.
After innocently looking through our storage building, I found loads of pornography with titles like "tasty little teens". I was devastated and then it all made sense to me how I was subjected to the accusations he was making. It was because of HIS own dirty mind that he could come up with these horrible things I was doing.
I didn't know what to do at first and I didn't confront him. I just watched his behavior and found him spending countless hours in the tool shed and last minute"I don't feel like going" to my daughters school functions. He would make big plans with us and then back out at the very last minute to stay home.
Finally, I lost it and confronted him. Of course, he promised to quit and threw it all away. I've caught him accidentally a hundred times since then and now he gets angry and says hes a grown man he should be able to look. I don't stop him but he still hides it and lies.
The thing is he's changed the way I see him. I used to think he was my light and the most wonderful man even though he accused me a lot. I thought that was just low self worth. I wish I could see him the way I used to but I cant and that's the real shame. Now I think 'dirty old man" or pervert.
I cant make love to him without thinking about my disgust for him. It is almost like rape because I don't want him to touch me and now I find myself longing for another man. This is what he has done. I hope other men read this and heed their wives warning the first time. Its too late for us. Just keep in mind she can love you for pure quality and you can ruin that and there is no getting back innocence you thought you shared.
Labels: addiction, depression, devestation, distrust, emotional pain, fathers, pornography
I am sorry for how your many years in this relationship have turned out. You deserved better. You need to do what is best for you now. If he is unwilling to change what can you do? While I am sure his self esteem is low, I would imagine yours is too. ( And both of these problems are his fault). Look at the humilitions you have endured for him already. He has had the nerve to accuse you?
What would you want your daughter to do in a similar situation? Every woman deserves to be the only woman involved in her & her husband's love life. If he is unwilling to look to you and only you for his sexual pleasure, he is being unfaithful to you.
I am not saying your marriage cannot be saved, but he needs to be willing to change and if he wont you have the right to be treated with honesty and respect. Good luck. I pray that your future will be happier than your past.
Posted at July 9, 2008 11:27 AM
