Monday, June 16, 2008
I got married when I was twenty years old to a member of my church from an active church family. On the surface things seemed great. We were so in love. We decided not to wait to have children and I became pregnant after only three months of marriage. Click here to read the rest of the story... It really makes me sad to read these stories, but I have felt alone and separated from other women for twenty years. I am glad to know I am not the only one living with this.
I got married when I was twenty years old to a member of my church from an active church family. On the surface things seemed great. We were so in love. We decided not to wait to have children and I became pregnant after only three months of marriage.
I worked full time during the day, my husband worked nights. I remember coming home and finding my slip or silky nighties out on the bed. When I asked why, he would just say that he missed me. We HAD to have sex at LEAST once a day, even if I had my period or was sick or exhausted. I was innocent and believed him when he told me this was normal.
I really didn't understand about the masturbating and pornography until right after my daughter was born. Even then he played it off as nothing. It was just because I was so pregnant. It was a lie. I have spent twenty years trying to believe him when he tells me he loves me.
Last fall we had to get a new computer because ours was so over-run with porn. It got so that it popped up all the time. He swore that it was just a virus and he had nothing to do with it. He was always on the computer because he was trying to get RID of the bad stuff. He really believes that it is okay to lie to me. He tells himself he is protecting me. We have four daughters and a son. I have spent my whole life helping protect my husband's lies so they don't know what their father really is.
Whenever I ask how he is doing he lies. If I ask anything in depth he gets angry and distances himself from me emotionally. That's how he punishes me. He has lied to multiple church leaders too. I don't really feel like I can get help anywhere. He denies anything is happening until I catch him in the act.
I'm embarrassed by how pathetic I sound. I am smart, competent and educated. Divorce has just never been an option. I want my kids to have two parents. He is generally a fairly good dad. Also, I know the other man inside of him and he is so tender. He has such profound spiritual thoughts sometimes. He rubs my sore neck everyday. He feels bad when he hurts me.
What do I do? Let's just say that I barely scratched the surface of our story. I feel like I just have to share my life with the filth. I know living with ths has damaged me. I just pray for strength and keep plugging along.
Labels: addiction, children, communication, distrust, emotional pain, family, fathers, internet, lies, pornography
I am so sorry for you. I am so sorry for all of us who have felt that our husbands were respectable and honest men. I think for me that is one of the hardest things. I am so sad that my husband has not seen sex and marriage as sacred but it is as hard for me to realize he is comforable being dishonest. He has shown so little respect for me, for women, for his position as a father and husband. My faith has really been tested and I do not know at times what is real and what is a lie. As long as someone chooses to lie about their 'sin' they are not close to being able to overcome or change their behavior. I love my husband and I want him to see the light but I am not willing to pretend that things are good when they are not. I can handle the truth it is the lies that are hurting me and our marriage. Pray for help, stay close to those you can trust and know you have lots and lots of value! You are a child of God who LOVES you!
Posted at June 18, 2008 12:34 PM
The thing I see you doing is rationalizing his behavior and making excuses for him. He may have a tender side and be occasionally spiritually eloquent, but that does not excuse his dishonest behavior. He is simply making bad choices that are affecting you and your family. That is a difficult truth to accept, but you must do it if any of you are going to come out of this ok. Marriage and families cannot exist where there is lying and dishonesty. Your husband's addiction has taken away his ability to think and act like a rational person, and it is causing you to live in fear. That is not a good environment for children, no matter how you may try to justify it. Your husband needs to bring his addiction into the light and needs to show desire and then action for a full recovery. All of you will continue to suffer until he does this. And unfortunately, if he has no desire to change and will take no action to do so, you will have to start facing the stark reality that divorce is the best way to go. Living with full truth and honesty is the only way to beat addiction. The Lord does not expect people to live with dishonest people who refuse to change. You need to be emotionally healthy for your children's sake, and to feel peace in your own life. Living with a lying addict makes that impossible. Everyone experiences pain, sadness and disappointment, but when it is being inflicted upon you by someone else (your own spouse!) constantly, you have to choose to stop it if the other person will not. The Lord works through light, truth and honesty, and anything else is an unhealthy and unacceptable way to live. Facing the truth is difficult and painful, but in the end, all parties involved will feel peace if they choose to live in the light of truth.
Posted at June 28, 2008 6:21 PM
I really struggle to find the line between rationalizing for him and just trying to keep my family together. I know so many families that have been so messed up by divorce. I know so many kids that have been damaged by it. They know their dad is different but they don't know why. I have thought a thousand times "I need to leave. I need to leave!", but I have never had support from a church leader to do so. When my husband gets caught he says all the right words. You know what I mean. Then he goes to our church leader and says all the right things. He is an expert at the game. And he seems genuinely sorry. Honestly, I find it pretty confusing. Which Him do I believe? Also, I never prepared to provide for a family. I had this pretty picture in my head of what my life would be. When do you leave?
Posted at June 30, 2008 3:36 PM
