Wednesday, June 25, 2008
Years later, after having had to move due to my dad's job, I came back to town we started dating again and got married. We were 20 years old. My marriage shortly after came tumbling down and fast. My heart felt shipwrecked still is and I feel so alone.
He started the porn during the first 5 to 6 months of our marriage. Right after I had a miscarriage. I was so angry and upset as I had found his history of pornography on the computer THE VERY DAY WE LOST OUR CHILD!! (click here to read the entire story) I've known my husband since high school when we were in the ROTC together. We started dating just two days after meeting. He had the most beautiful smile. It was literally love at first sight. He treated me like a queen.
Years later, after having had to move due to my dad's job, I came back to town we started dating again and got married. We were 20 years old. My marriage shortly after came tumbling down and fast. My heart felt shipwrecked still is and I feel so alone.
He started the porn during the first 5 to 6 months of our marriage. Right after I had a miscarriage. I was so angry and upset as I had found his history of pornography on the computer THE VERY DAY WE LOST OUR CHILD!!
Promises promises broken broken weeks to months to years of false promises lies, betrayal. He was addicted to all kinds of pornography like hentai, japanese anime cartoons having sex (I never even knew that existed!!). Not long after I confronted him. Then the abuse started.
I was eight months pregnant with our daughter when I told him I wanted the pornography out of our house! He grew furious and drug me across the floor with a trash bag in my hand and forced me to throw them away as he said he wasn't going to do it himself. I got slapped, pushed, shook.
I was so scared for my child I just knew I was going to miscarry. This abuse continued off and on for over a year or two. Even after my daughter was born. I remember he'd chase after us once and I locked her and myself up in our bedroom as he punched the door open like freaking Jack Nicholson with his axe in the Shining.
It was then that I realized my husband had a real problem pornography that was making him violent, angry, and controlling. I thought, this was not the man I married... but he was, I just never knew it.
We had agreed before we married that there would be no pornography in our marriage and no abuse as I told him I'd never marry a man whom treated a woman with such disrespect. I was wrong. So wrong, so dumb. I felt like a dog, a loser. The man that had sworn to protect me to honor me and love me was abusing me.
Then he would tell me that I wanted TOO MUCH SEX!! What? A husband complaining that his wife wanted to much sex? Months would go by when I realized it was he that wanted too much sex. But just not with me. There was even an incident where I was with my two year old daughter and caught him in the parking lot masturbating.
The last incident I came home after buying his birthday gift. He had got around the parent control system I'd set up and watched videos of lesbians while my two year old was up and HOME WITH HIM. She was taking a bath while he was doing this!
I was so angry. Worse, I found out that he'd been doing this for two weeks maybe more with me sitting right next to him or while I was working out in the very same room. Only two feet away from me and he was looking at this. I want to leave but then don't it's so hard we have two little girls.
He has not abused me in 4 years, but the porn continues. I'm falling apart. Feel so alone. So ugly I find myself making myself sick from working out so hard now and not eating. I never thought I was fat or ugly until the porn images in my head. I know I'm not suppose to blame myself and to know it isn't my fault. But I can't help it. He does this knowing I'll leave him for it.
He's made blood oaths. He's got down on his hands and knees and begs me to stay. Though he always goes back to pornography, promise after promise. I feel mocked as he does this when I told him how it makes me feel less of a woman. I feel cheated on every time.
I want my life back to be myself again to be happy and prideful of my husband but how can I be if I can't trust a word that comes from his mouth. The irony is I asked him how he would feel if I was like these girls that put themselves on the internet. He said he'd leave me if I ever did that. What is the difference? Why is it OK for other women but not his own wife? Why is it hot and sexy for them but I dare not go out even in a gown on my front porch without seemingly being a slut though secretly he is attracted to these kind of women.
He's also admitted that if I looked at other naked guys he'd feel the same why as me? REALLY? Then why keep doing me this way why risk losing everything you have for minutes of pleasure compared to a lifetime of joy of knowing you have a wife and kids that love you more than anything in this world.
I've always been able to pick myself up from this to believe I don't deserve this that I am better than this and etc etc. But now? After 6 years of lies, betrayal so many bad memories erasing the good? I know men and some women that don't consider pornography wrong or cheating. But I ask how is it not? Your imagining sex with someone other than your spouse. At times you choose it over your spouse. It causes self esteems to be crushed, broken families, depression. Not to mention it makes the most sincere, sweetest men into total pigs, violent, controlling.
This was really hard to write and I'm at a loss. I know I'm not the only woman out there suffering day by day but at times it feels like it. Any woman going through this knows entirely what I mean... My heart and prayers for you all as I live this every day.
The most I fear for is my children through this all. What is it showing them? And if I leave I'm breaking my family apart taking them away from their daddy. But if I stay will he ever ever do as he says? Or will I stay only to realize I'm just making things worse by staying for myself and my kids and even for him? I'm I sitting myself up again to get hurt by the man I've known nearly half my life as my best friend, lover and now husband and father of my beautiful girls. This is what goes through my mind constantly every day.
Supposedly, he went two years with no porn at all!. Just 2 weeks ago was the incident with him on the computer and my daughter in the bathtub! I've got to put my kids first and him last... And that is my choice it is how it should be. As he is not my responsibility but they are and they are my world.
Labels: addiction, adultery, children, depression, distrust, divorce, fathers, internet, physical abuse, pornography, sexual abuse
I am so sorry that you have gone through so much heartache. You are not alone. I have no answers for you but I want you to know that your reaction to pornography is the right one. It is poison that is killing everything it touches.
While most of our culture sits around blind to what Porn is doing to us a few of us are waking up to the horror. Pornography has done so much damage to women. We are putting all of our self worth in the basket that is filled by how attractive we are to others. And who could blame us? How many women are going through painful surgeries, starving themselves and worse just to look right for some looser in love with touched up fake women on line?
Our husbands views of women is a terrible message to your daughters, to mine, and to you and me. Here we are, there are no easy answers but you are right to protect your daughters and you are right try to live a life as far away as you can get from porn. Good luck, God Bless you and do what you need to protect your daughters. In my case it means staying...Be careful and if he hurts you again, please get away from him and turn him in. You deserve to be safe and your daughters should never see their mother treated so badly.
Posted at June 25, 2008 4:55 PM
I am so sorry for what you've gone through. I experienced some of the same, but from the view that your children will. My father was addicted to porn, and he molested my sister and I, and beat my brothers all the time. It tore us apart as kids. We were actually really glad when my mom finally was able to kick my "father" out for good. I haven't had any contact with him since the divorce 10 years ago, and that is my choice. I will do everything I have to do to protect my daughters from that monster. I encourage you to get away from your husband. If the pornography isn't enough, the physical abuse should be. He sounds really violent. I really think it would be better for your children in the long run. I've gone through a lot of counseling to get over the things I experienced growing up, and I am glad I've been able to work through them. The longer that your children are exposed to his violence the more it will impact them. For now, I really suggest that you try not to leave your kids alone with him. You don't want them to become victims at his hands. Good luck, and may the Lord help you through this.
Posted at June 25, 2008 6:34 PM
I have deep sympathy for you and your children (the miscarriage also). I would like to gently bring something to your attention. You stated in your article that he has not abused you for 4 years - then you go on to say that you feel poorly about yourself.....
I have been in this situation also. Not until years later, after separating myself from him and surrounding myself with people who thought highly of me, did I regain my self esteem. The reason that you feel so bad is NOT because of you or any of your decisions or any of your actions. You are still being severely emotionally abused. We women of porn-addictive spouses develop a lot of ways that allow us to continue to be abused.
I do not know if you believe in a higher being (or if you are religious)but, this quote helped me understand something that I didn't understand while in a porn-infested relationship. This is regarding women/girls: "There has come to you as your birthright something beautiful and sacred and divine. Never forget that. Your Eternal Father is the great Master of the universe. He rules over all, but He also will listen to your prayers as His daughter and hear you as you speak with Him. He will answer your prayers. He will not leave you alone."
If you have any religious belief in a higher being that can help you know what to do..... pray, meditate, and have the courage to do what is right. That higher being does not want women to be abused, used, neglected, or sad. That higher being will help you have the strength to help yourself and your children. If you don't have confidence in yourself, have confidence in that higher being to escort you out of the darkness of pornography into a fun, happy, and exciting life. My life is full of beauty and blessings after four years of recovering from the abuse. (Not easy, but well-worth it).
Posted at June 26, 2008 6:42 PM
I'm very sorry for this torture that you are enduring. Pornography is such a poison, and has hurt so many families, mine included. I can relate to your hurt and disgust.
I've been attending a support group, it's put on by my church, but there are others there that go to SANON meetings. It's like ALANON. It's specifically for sex addicts families, spouses. I've found it IMMENSELY HELPFUL.
Posted at June 27, 2008 12:58 AM
I want my life back too. My husband has never been violent with me. But I found out 3 weeks ago about his porn addiction that had been going on for at least 10 months. He started just days after our 2nd wedding anniversary.He would do it while I was at work, he was supposed to be watching our son, instead he would spend hours looking at porn on-line.
We have talked and he says he is insecure with himself and that he was doing it so he could last longer with me. This makes no sense to me. I realized when I found out about his problem that was why I no longer enjoyed sex with him and explained why I felt like he was just having sex with me to have sex, instead of making love to me like he used to.
I also know that I cannot blame myself. I still feel alone and betrayed, after all looking at other women is not being faithful to me his wife. The way I see it is that he broke his wedding vows. I am lost and do not know how to get over this pain and lonliness or how to trust him. I know he is trying to make me feel loved, but he over looks the liitle things like an extra hug or the focus on me. He does the things I ask him to I feel I should not have to tell my husband how to show me he loves me. Just yesterday he told me that the simple things I need to see him do to show his love are not that simple. I don't know what to think of that just that comment crushed any hope I had for him.
Before we got married we promised to never get divorced and I know we will get through this and be stronger but I feel like he takes me for granted and I don't know how to get over that I feel like he has torn our family apart.
Posted at June 27, 2008 5:23 PM
I feel so terrible for you. My husband also is addicted to porn and will do anything to watch it. he has bought dvd recorders, gotten new cable boxes, and anything else he can do to watch it. I didn't have a horrible problem with it until I found a tape he had made without my knowledge. Not only was I on there but most of the tape was me unconcious while he was raping and sodimizing me. It is horrible. Like you I know my husband is not this person (or at least I thought so.) I want to leave but I don't know how. I wish that men could never hurt women like they do.
Posted at June 28, 2008 8:09 PM
I know what you are going through.I am there with you.I do consider porn a form of adultry.I have fought the urge to leave for years.I have starved myself and cried myself to sleep.He has promised to give it up anf threw it away and I slowly go back to trusting him but not anymore.I will never trust him and now I just believe no matter what he says that he watches porn.It has ruined our sex life but most of all it changed how I look at him.He gets angry too when he is caught and tries to change it around on me and now there is resentment not because he looks at porn but because its the only thing I have ever asked him to give up for me and he cant do it.I have give up anything he has ever asked not because it was wrong but because it was important to him as a a show of undying love.I cant do that anymore and that is a shame .Now i ignore his whining about what I do and just continue .I dont see us together in the future.i try to picture it wihtout him.I am only still with him until my daughter leaves for college and I can get things in order.I know some would view this as wrong but I have to do it this way for my sanity.He becomes overwhelmingly controlling if he thinks I havent let it go.I dont know if you can get your life back the way you knew it.You can accept the changes and make a new life or find the life you want for yourself.My husband thinks there is nothing wrong with it and I am wrong for trying to control what a 50 yr. old man views but as with you he controls everything I wear in public and I believe his perverted ideas are because of porn.I am not an addict and will no longer let someone elses addiction control my world.
Posted at July 7, 2008 11:23 AM
I understand how it hurts and the same thing happened to me and I could not ever get my trust back again.It hurts and you hope he will stop but most likely he wont.I took my 7 year old daughter and left.I am much happier now and have met a wonderful man who respects me and treats us like we should be treated.Porn is a way of cheating allthough many women enjoy it,as well,I find it nasty and sick.I love sex but have always been strong on my dislike for porn or magazines.Just remember you should never be jealous because they are phony and airbrushed and made up and you are real and what this whole porn issue is,is disrespect not jealousy.He is a cheater and you are better then that.Good luck and I will pray for your strength young lady.
Posted at July 8, 2008 12:47 AM
