Thursday, June 19, 2008
My first impressions of his parents were that they seemed nice, but very quiet. I then noticed his parents took on what we would call traditional roles, where his father ran the farm and his mother took care of the house and the children. At first I didn't see anything wrong with it, until I noticed that she was expected to help with the farm when things got busy, but he NEVER lifted a finger to help her with the house or kids. I also noticed his mother waited on his father hand and foot, and obeyed every command he gave.
But I felt we were different and that my husband wasn't a tyrant like his father and I wasn't a slave like his mother. But at the time, I didn't realize how much damage had already been done. That a family system like his was breeding grounds for addictions. And that these addictions were well into place before he ever met me.
After we had been married for about 12 years is when I first noticed some major changes in him. We had just put our house on the market when he started to not feel well. He refused to see a doctor, so the responsibilities of having the house and the yard ready to show, fell on my shoulders. At the same time, we had been trying to get pregnant with our fourth child for over a year. The stress was getting to me, but by the end of the summer our house sold, he got better, and I got pregnant!
I thought things would only get better. They only got worse. Shortly after our move things got really busy with his work. He started working longer hours and would even stay all night on many occasions. And the few evenings he did come home, he would stay in the basement claiming he had work to do. I would beg him to hire someone else at work, but he would only chew me out. He then started to get sick again and would still refuse to see the doctor, and once again he would tell me to leave him alone. At this time I was 8 months pregnant, and we had hardly seen him in the last 5 months. I felt like a single parent.
After the baby was born, his behavior got even stranger. By then, I was fed up with him never being home, so I called the manager and asked why nothing had been done to improve this. He said he didn't know why he ALWAYS worked late. He could understand some nights, but every night? They did hire someone else, but he claimed the work load only got bigger, so the late nights continued. He also continued to be sick with weird symptoms and still refused to see a doctor. All he said was he never got enough time to himself, and that so much was expected of him. A whole week would easily go by without him seeing me or the kids. Even on Sundays we wouldn't see him, because his church calling would have him attend a different building for church, and then he would leave from there to go to work. I didn't know what to do.
Another six months went by, and I continued to function as a single parent. The very few hours he was at home he was either asleep or in the basement and did not want to be disturbed. Every time I tried to approach him about him abandoning us or his continuing illness, I would get the same lecture that he was too stressed and tired and to leave him alone. He showed no concern for me or the kids and continued to only get sicker. I finally decided he wasn't a part of our life and that I was indeed a single parent. That was how I survived.
On New Year's day 2007, he got ill enough that he finally decided he had to see a doctor. They immediately admitted him to the hospital and diagnosed him with PCP, a form of pneumonia. I thought finally! Now they can give him meds, get him better and things will now improve. Well of course, things only got worse. He then told me PCP is only found in people with HIV.
How could this be? I then asked how did you get HIV? All he said was I don't know and you have to be tested too. In extreme shock, I went to be tested which thankfully turned out to be negative. The doctors promised me my kids would be negative too, but that didn't make the pain and shock any less. What happened to my innocent life?
I couldn't believe he would sit there and tell the doctors he had no idea how he got HIV. These were the people who were trying to save his life! Who is this person I am married to? I think he truly thought he was fooling us, but anyone with half a brain knows how you get it and how you don't! Once the actual blood counts came back, he was then diagnosed with AIDS. (cd4 count of 20.)
I then decided I would be a kind supportive wife through this tragedy in hopes that he would confess to me. He was in out of the hospital over the next month, with me running back and forth with four kids. It then took him another two months to get any energy back and to get used to the "cocktail". I was the one who took care of him at home, thinking I was doing what was right. I thought for sure once he was feeling better he would apologize for the way he had treated us, thank me for all I had done, and humbly confess. I got none of that.
Once he got his strength back and started going back to work, the long hours came back too. Furious, I tried several times to talk to him about it, but he would just avoid me or leave the conversation. Finally, after months of living this nightmare again, I decided I had to take things into my own hands. I had refused to do this before, because I had promised myself that I would never become a snoop. I had wanted to be a trusting person, but since he would not confess and with things only getting worse, I decided I had to do it. I was scared of what I would find and even more scared of what if he found out.
I had noticed over the past year that he had started carrying a backpack around with him. He claimed he needed it for his gym clothes so he could go exercise while he was at work. He always took it with him, no matter where he was going. When he was at home, he would store it downstairs under his desk. One night while he was working in the garage, I decided to check there first. That was the first and last place I needed to check.
The backpack was stuffed full of gym clothes as he claimed, but I did eventually find a necessity kit that looked suspicious. In it I found everything I was looking for and a whole lot more. As a matter of fact, I didn't even know what half of the stuff was. The things I found were condoms, sex stuff, Viagra, money, crystal meth, drug paraphernalia, and pornography on DVDs. (I had to check the internet and with the police to verify everything.) I now understood his behavior.
With the help of my bishop, we then sat down to confront him. It took him a long time to even admit what he had done. He finally said that this double life started shortly after our first baby was born. He claims I gave too much attention to the baby. He said it all started out with a curiosity in pornography, which eventually turned into acting out sexually with men. He actually justified his actions, because he claims he only did this a couple of times a year. (That makes it all better you know!) After about ten years of this, he finally gave into the drugs that were always offered to him. This only made his double life escalate. He went from acting out a couple of times a year to a couple of times a day in the last two years. Since he is one of the owners of the business, he was able to work his odd hours and give himself bonuses (for drugs) without anyone saying a word. He had a great set-up for a lifestyle like his. Too bad his wife had to go and blow it for him.
I told him then that I would not kick him out now, because I knew without serious help and support, he would dive into that lifestyle until he was dead. It still took months to get confessions out of him, and even then he would only answer what I asked and would never volunteer information. I still had to pick and choose what to believe, because his confessions were still so full of lies. Even now months later, I still stumble across things he never told me about. He was eventually excommunicated from the church, which was a surprise to him and his parents. (Which just proves where he gets his faulty beliefs from.)
So, where are we now? We are both in a program called Lifestar, that helps sex addicts and their spouses. He is also seeing a drug therapist, with a weekly urine analysis. I am also seeing a therapist and I do speak frequently with our Bishop. My therapist wants him to be seen by a Psychiatrist, that specializes in homosexual sex addiction and have a full battery of test performed. Many of us feel he suffers from severe personality disorders, and without a proper diagnosis, he will never recover. He has also been told to have regular visits with our Bishop and other church leaders. Well, he feels that the two programs he is involved with is enough. He has claimed that he has completely stopped acting out and that he has recovered. So why does he need more treatment? He doesn't like people telling him what to do, especially if it is his wife and her therapist. He said that he can handle all of this on his own and that what he has done isn't that bad. His father even agrees with him that he does not need to see the Bishop or continue with treatment. (As a matter of fact, his father blames me for all of this. But I'll save that for another day.) He continues to attend church with us and puts the front on that everything is okay.
So where am I with this? I knew back with his diagnosis that he had killed the marriage. I kept things together so he could get into proper treatment and maybe start the repentance process. I now see that I was only dreaming. Everyday I try my best to be pleasant and to continue being a good wife and mother. I felt due to the horrific things he had done, our intimate life was over, but I could still allow him to kiss me goodbye. I thought I was being Christ-like by trying to help, but he recently told me I have been extremely cold and unChrist-like to him. I also told him that I could be of more support to him as a friend, than as a spouse. That only made him angry that I was not willing to work on our marriage. I do realize that I was expecting a healthy response from an unhealthy person. A few months back I did talk to a lawyer and I am also trying to figure out what I can do with an old health degree. (I will probably go into Nursing.)
I do know every ones repentance process will be different and that it is not my place to judge. But I do know that I have to make a righteous judgment for the safety of my children and myself. I do not feel that he has even scratched the surface of repentance. I have yet to see any remorse or regret for what he has done. All I see is frustration and anger towards me, because I'm not doing what he thinks I should be doing. He wants me to quickly forgive and forget and act like this never happened. Not once has he asked me what he could do for me.
Labels: addiction, adultery, AIDS, children, devestation, distrust, fathers, lies, pornography, spouse
Wow, I thought my stuff was hard. And it is. It's all so horrible and not at all what we signed on for when we got married. You are amazingly strong. I am so glad that you are getting help and support. I'm glad your bishop is there for you. That has not been my experience at all. It is too awkward and embarrassing for my bishop to handle. Please look out for yourself and your children first. Take care of yourself. I'm not so good at that, but I know it is the right thing. Even through all the ugliness and overwhelming bad stuff I still know that Heavenly Father loves us.
Posted at June 19, 2008 10:53 AM
The Lord never gives us trials that we cannot handle. He knows you are a very strong and courageous woman. And you have handled this. I know what it is like to be lied to and manipulated by the man you love. Your love goes so deep, and that only makes it hurt more. I pray that I can be a strong as you. Thank you for sharing your story.
Posted at June 19, 2008 11:27 AM
May I also thank you for sharing your story. I think many of us can find some truth in your story that fits ours. It is so difficult when our faith is strong and we expect our partner to be honest and faithful. It hurts so much. I have read lots and lots of books and they really help me sort through my fears, feelings and what is real & true. Heavenly Father knows we can only be responsible for how we treat others NOT how they treat us. You are wise to know your husband is unhealthy so his responses are unhealthy. He has believed lies and it sounds like he continues to believe lies and want you to join him. YOU KNOW WHAT IS TRUE. Honesty and fideility. I would suggest your husband POSSIBLY was sexual abused as a child or exposed to sexual activity prior to an age he could understand the behavior? Has he opened up enough to share his early childhood sexual experiences. Just a thought from experience. Hold your head up high and know that you deserve to be appreciated for your kindness and if your husband is so lost he continues to see himself as the victim you MAY want give him an opportunity to handle HIS mess by himself. It is right to help others who help themselves BUT I have found it is easy also to enable those who continue to be stuck and that is not good for either of you.
Posted at June 19, 2008 12:44 PM
I can not imagine how you have coped with all the things you describe! I have also endured a lot because of my husband's addiction, but it pales in comparison to your story. You are so strong! I hope that your husband will alter his thoughts, beliefs and desires in a way that will bring REAL change. Thank you for being brave enough to share your experience. I pray for your family!
Posted at June 19, 2008 12:54 PM
God never intended for his daughters to be treated this way. Here is a quote from a LDS church leader, Gordon B. Hinkley, in a book called, 'My Dear Sisters':
"My heart reaches out to you. I appreciate you. I honor you. I respect you. What a tremendous force for good you are. You are the strength of the present, the hope of the future. You are the sum of all the generations that have gone before, the promise of all that will come hereafter."
I am sure that God feels the same about his daugthers. Be strong - support what is right and correct. Pray, and you will have the strength to carry out what is virtuous. (It is your responsibility to care for your physcial safety as well as your children.)
Posted at June 26, 2008 7:04 PM
