Wednesday, May 21, 2008
I have been married for 12 years with 4 children. I suspected pornography use from very early on when my husband insisted sleeping on the couch late at night. I remember him acting very angry at me at times and not really understanding why. He claimed to have issues with the fact that I had a teenage lover at the age of 16 and had come back to our church after looking for repentance and forgiveness.
After 2 children I was lying in bed one night and a voice said in my head,"Go look in his bag." Being completely asleep, I hobbled over to find well worn magazines of porn in his bag. That night he finally opened up to me about his addiction to porn and of course the masturbating that goes along with this.
Well time went on and I would occasionally sweetly ask him,"How are you doing with pornography?" He would always reply,"Good." I remember seeing darkness in his face at times and wondering. I would always think that I was being paranoid and judgmental. Wasn't I asking him if he was okay. I even would consciously make sure that I was always initiating in our private life so he would know that this was a place that he could get more love, more attention, more gratification.
Life went on like this for years. Knowing but not understanding what to do about the problem. I had two other children and during the pregnancy of the last,found out the truth about what was really going on. Since, I have learned much about this type of addiction. It can be subtle at times and "hard core" at times. It seems to rotate in cycles. Like circles, round and round it goes. I don't think that he has ever come to me to talk about it.
He has become so desperate to keep the truth that it has grown into this incredible monster that has affected every aspect of our lives. Work, money problems, behavior including depression, never feeling like things are good enough. We have sought out counsel from leaders of our church, even participated in a program to help addicts of sexual addiction. Still he is being "caught."
Funny, just like another post said. I don't even have to try. If enough times passes, I will find him....sneeking. It is more than that. I have young children. They are always doing reports on the internet. A place where he has harbored much of his addiction.
I sit next to them, even with filters and special programs and me right next to them, I am panicking because I am so afraid that they will be exposed. I have been doing this for a solid 8 years now. Just this morning, I found myself for the first time in our marriage, telling him that I couldn't be intimate with him. It honestly made me sick to my stomach. I love so many things about this man but this addiction has made him someone I don't even know anymore.
This is the absolute hardest thing that I have ever been through and am feeling so incredibly alone and scared. I know there are so many out there that are in my same situation. How do I take these beautiful children away from their father? He has expressed anger at me for not wanting to help him through this. He claims that he has tools to deal with this that he learned from these meetings yet it is still going on? Do I hack things out for 3-6 more months? When children are involved it becomes incredibly complicated. HELP-suggestions?
Labels: addiction, children, communication, depression, distrust, emotional pain, family, fathers, internet, lies, pornography, spouse
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Posted at May 21, 2008 11:36 AM
My heart goes out to you and your sweet children. I am a young mother and am also constantly stressed about my husband's addiction to pornography. This site has been very helpful in understanding that I am not alone. It has taken more time to understand than I have wanted to give. I too have been at the end of my rope several times with the feeling of mere existance for my children. The main thing I would like to communicate to you is about the addiction recovery meetings. I went with my husband for quite a while, even pushing him out the door many of the nights. -I've gotten more bold during this time of trial and have gotten to understand more meaningS of 'tough love.'I belive this loving boldness will also help me become a better mother.
Anyway, the ARP meetings have literally been a life saver for me. My husband couldn't udnerstand why I wanted to go... I wasn't the one with the problem. Actually, I was sort of hesitant myself... how would I feel? Would I feel uncomfortable? Just the opposite occured. Through the 12 steps that were discussed each meeting, I started to feel hope. I started to understand Christ's Atonement in a way that opened my eyes to goodness again. Goodness knows that I have set boundaries and limits and stuck to them, but those meetings are saving my sanity.
I still feel absolute helplessness at times. I still cry at times. However, I have learned to transfer my pains to the only person who can actually carry them, then learn how to become my best. This is hard. It is the hardest trial I will ever go through. My eternal companion is the most important person in this world to me, but he also has the right to make choices. My personal decisions have been made to go along with the limits. I gave my husband 6 months for my children. I gave my husband only 6 months to safeguard my children. My advice would be this: counsel with your church leaders, pray, and you'll know what to do that is best for your family. My prayers go out to you.
Posted at May 21, 2008 12:15 PM
I am so sorry for the horror with which you live. You did not choose this but I know how it now colors your whole life. As a woman your reaction is to try to help and nurture your husband. That is so natural and what makes women so wonderful. Families are important and I hope and pray your sweet family makes it.
Here is the thing I have discovered in my similar experience; pornography like any sin is not only about addiction it is all about selfishness. Your husband likely finds ways to justify his addiction. I would ask you to be absolutely crystal clear in your communication with him about what his actions are doing to you. You owe yourself that much. Feel everything you are feeling and pray for help to not only feel all you need to feel but to act appropriately and ultimately forgive.
He needs to see and hear how his actions are affecting you and his children. He is likely so wrapped up in his own selfishness and warped sense of love that he really cannot understand how he has hurt you.
I know from experience the fear that being really expressive of your feelings (all of them not just the angry and negative feelings) may end up making your spouse feel bad or drive him to pornography or make you look foolish and vulnerable. Remember that pornography was his choice. He chooses that filth for you and your whole family. . Addicts love excuses and love to blame the addiction, but in my experience we can all be stronger than our addictions.
Give him a probation if you feel that is important. I would be careful about telling him. That may pit you against him in a way that he feels abandoned already and he will not even try. However it is absolutely right to set parameters of what you are willing to live with and what you can't. Remember too that if you leave him lots of things may get harder. Your children's little worlds will be shattered, you will be even more lonely, you will have less time with your children, and there will be more bad surprises. Your best chance of happiness is to exhaust every hope of him overcoming this problem. It is not a secret that troubled marriages that pull through our much happier than divorce.
You are right to say that you no longer desire intimacy if that is how you feel. You must find honesty in your own life and relationship. Tell him that you need to live in truth and while you see him lusting over and disrespecting the image of womanhood you cannot desire to give yourself to him. This is not being a bad wife, it is being absolutely true in your communications. He owes you the chance to grieve over years of shattered hopes. You have emotional needs too. He also needs to realize sex is a sacred form of communication to you and that while you love and care about him, this is hard right now. It doesn't mean you will never be intimate, but you need some time to trust. Healthy intimacy is all about trusting your partner.
Most importantly pray, pray hard, pray all of the time, and pray expecting the Lord's guidance. He loves you, your children, and your husband.
Posted at May 21, 2008 2:49 PM
I wanted to share three books that have been extremely helpful.
Confronting Your Spouse's Pornography Problem
by Rory C. Reid
Clean Hands Pure Heart
by Philip A. Harrison
(my husband's favorite)
Lord I Believe, Help Thou Mine Unbelief
by Rod Jeppsen
I have found lots of help and understanding from these books and if a husband has a broken heart he will also want to learn from these authors. If possible try to read them together and I think your spouse will be grateful for the open communication that will follow. Secrets are the fuel that feed this addiction so turn the light on, encourage each other to open up emotionally and peace can follow if both partners are willing!
Posted at May 22, 2008 11:06 AM
You mentioned that you are a church going family...Has it occurred to you that the sin your husband is perpetrating is not meant to be a personal offense of you, as hurtful and personal as it feels. I know the pain of which you speak. I also know that until your husband is ready to be done with this and realize that his sin, as all of our sin does, is seperating him from God, there is nothing you can say or do that will change his heart. That work has to be done from the inside out and only God can accomplish that. I would urge you to check out the Biblical Counseling Institute website at www.bcinstitute.com, and if/when your husband is ready, ask Dr. Abercrombie if there is someone he can refer him to in your area. The word will convict his heart, and the truth does set you free. I would also encourage you to check out the website and pray about whether it would be good for you to have support from someone trained through the BCI as well. You need to know and be confident in who you are in Him and have support to remind you of that when things seem dark. I am praying for you, your husband and your children. And I am confident that you will find your rest and peace in our Savior and Comforter.
Posted at June 11, 2008 10:33 AM
BILL OF RIGHTS FOR WIVES OF PORN ADDICTS:
1. You have the right to keep porn out of your home. If he is going to do it, it will have to be away from home. All cable companies allow you to block movies by rating or by channel. You should be the keeper of the password. If he figures it out, change it. If you find his magazines or DVD's you have the right to throw them away. If he does it at night on the computer, discontinue your internet service or install a digital camera that faces the computer screen. If he has a problem with this tell him it is offensive and degrading to you and you won't allow it in your home, and you are taking precautions to ensure that it stays out. If he gets upset, too bad, he'll get over it.
2. You have the right to expect kindness and courtesy from him, no matter how bad his addiction is. When you see that "dark look," expect some chauvinistic treatment, but don't let it pass. Call him on it politely and lovingly. i.e. "I don't feel comfortable around you right now so I'm going to take a walk," or "Why did you use that tone of voice?" or "Why did you say such a mean thing?" or "Why did you think it was okay to do that?" As you learn to stand up to him assertively (but not aggressively) he will become more respectful, and more sure of his behavior boundaries.
3. You have the right to protect your children from porn at any cost. Set rules about what movies your family will see. When our kids were little it was only G and PG. Now that they are young adults it's PG-13, but no R's or X's. Keep in mind that if you were to divorce then your husband would get visitation rights and would be alone with your children and may expose them to porn. It may be better to tough it out until they are older.
4. You have the right to "Just Say No" to things he wants to do sexually which you find degrading or uncomfortable. Tell him, "Sorry, I won't enjoy that. Can we try this..?" You have the right to enjoy sex with him in order to fulfill your owm needs. Remember that it's his problem, not yours. He is the guilty one, not you. Married sex is not a crime or an addiction, it's an act of love that is healthy for both of you. If he gets rough or careless, tell him gently and immediately, or move his hand. If he does it more than once, end the sex and tell him it's uncomfortable. You have the right to insist on comfortable and enjoyable sex. If he gets upset, too bad. He'll get over it.
5. You have the right to politely require him to come out of his selfish little universe and think of his family. Set a weekly family time that can only be overidden in emergencies. Do what your family likes to do, and let him know you expect him to participate. Tell him, "This is what loving fathers do who care about their wives and children."
6. You have the right to ask him to leave if he won't agree to your rules. You can say, "YOu can stay here and do these rules or you can leave. You can come back any time you want to help me keep a loving home for our children. 99.99 % of husbands will do your rules rather than leave. Most men merely threaten divorce to get their way. If he says he wants to leave, say, "If you must, then go, but know that you are abandoning your wife and children." Tell him you expect him to continue to support you and the kids while living somewhere else. He will most likely back down. It takes courage to do this, but most wives find that they have no choice.
7. You have the right to be happy in spite of his bad choices. Cultivate good friends, hobbies that you enjoy, read books you like, etc. If he chooses to behave like an idiot, that's his problem, not yours.
8. You have the right to focus on his good qualities instead of his glaringly bad one. Most porn addicts are good fathers and good providers, but lousy husbands. Be thankful that he is employed, and that he doesn't beat you or the kids, and demand some personal attention now and then. If you divorce him you have only a 50% chance of finding a decent man who is not a porn addict, because 50% or more of men are just that.
9. You have the right to expect him to make it up to you. Expensive gifts, (if he can afford it) like a new car, or new appliances, can go a long way towards his effort to demonstrate that he still loves you in spite of his problem. If he doesn’t have money then backrubs, walks, and letting you choose what you’ll watch on TV can also help.
10. You have the right to ask him now and then how he is progressing in his fight to give up porn. If he doesn’t want to talk about it then he is probably still doing it, but this lets him know that you expect him to keep on trying to someday give women the respect they deserve. For more info visit www.Kidsread.net.
Posted at June 11, 2008 6:55 PM
Your story mirrors mine. However, one vital difference is that my husband ended up molesting our eldest child as she hit puberty. He was prosecuted and went to prison for child sexual abuse. In discussing this with him after my daughter disclosed what happened, he admitted that he could not differentiate her from other "women." The depths of evil that had overtaken this once good man was devastating. Saddest of all was that I had truly loved him. He repaid that love by destroying his family, even after begging him repeatedly for nearly 15 years to get help for his pornography addiction. Be alert and protect your children, first and foremost. I didn't believe my husband capable of such an evil act, but I underestimated the power of porn.
Posted at June 11, 2008 10:05 PM
