Saturday, March 8, 2008
I used to "catch him" hiding porn, taping stuff off t.v., gaping at other women out in public. In fact, I used to try to catch him. I gave up on that several years ago as it became apparent I didn't have to try, that given enough time I would always accidentally catch him. After years of suffering,my womanhood destroyed, I began to realize he is very sick. So sick that I can't even imagine.
He has spells where he does well but I can always feel when he is slipping back in. He's in one of those dark times right now. The long term affects of this has been a destruction of our sweet love we once shared. I'm beginning to not care about him and I hate that. I'm beginning to not care what he does at all. There was a time when I thought we would give our lives for each other, but he had his own needs to look after, that were more important than our relationship.
For the first time in 20 years I find that I don't want him to touch me anymore. It feels dirty. I feel like I'm being used or he's having sex with me just to keep me around as I feel he prefers masturbation.
About two weeks ago I was thinking about joining a gym so I could swim. I told him that I wondered if I got a part-time job there, if I could get a membership free. I had been thinking of getting a part-time job anyway and that way I could get the gym with it. He thought that was hilarious. He laughed and laughed. When I asked him what was so funny, he said they only hire "fit" women in those places and if I applied there they would just laugh at me. For the first time
I realized he has compared me to his fantasy women and I indeed have come up short. He has rejected me but doesn't have the courage or manhood to tell me that he has chosen paper/ink and t.v. whores over the woman who gave her life for him.
The pain I feel is indescribable, as all the pain I've endured for the last 20 years has coalesced into a fine, piercing point & now I know I have lost the battle for the love of my life. My poor sick husband thinks he's better than me. He mind has become so twisted in his indulgences, that he no longer sees me as his beautiful, loving bride; but now I have become some gross laughing stock that can't even get a job as a janitor in a gym.
I wish I could say my love was strong enough, to go through another bout of suffering through his addictions, but I'm not. I'm done. I'm going to have to pick up the pieces of my life and move on.
Labels: addiction, depression, devestation, distrust, emotional pain, fathers, internet, pornography, sexual addiction, spouse, television
I am so sorry that you are going through this. I also after 21 years am giving up on my marriage. I suggest you go see a couselor. The first things are husband's do is blame us for the fact that they have this addiction. Afer all if we kept them happy they wouldn't stray. Don't buy into this. God created you and He wants us to be treated with honor and respect,. Just remember people treat us the way we allow them to. I know how much it hurts. I feel like I just can't go on. Take each minute at a time if you have to. Just remember God loves you and He will take care of you. Let go of your husband. Pray for him. Only God can help him with this sickness. There is nothing you can do but realize you need to work on loving yourself.
Posted at March 13, 2008 11:41 AM
Your story has touched me deeply. It brought tears to my eyes. I have been experiencing similar issues, just a bit different. You are a strong woman. I wish you all the best in everything that you decide to do.
Posted at March 20, 2008 10:34 PM
Oh my gawd!!!! Fly free little bird, you where meant for far greater things, no longer myre yourself in someones addictive behaviour and once you set yourself free then take the time to take a serious look at how addicted you are to your victim role. You can live a wonderfully fullfilling life, you too can learn to love yourself from the inside out, you are a divine being so start treating yourself that way by #1 getting the heck out of that toxic relationship with your husband then get on board with some inner cleansing. much luck to you and make sure you get some help....try your local womens shelter or womens center....they have heard it all and have lots of resources to help you. all the best.
Posted at April 23, 2008 9:02 PM
Let me begin by saying that I feel desperately for you, though I cannot begin to understand the pain you have endured. I hope and pray that you might find healing and wholeness somehow in the future. You are a victim of a horrible plague that is eating away at the roots of our society. But know this: the love your husband felt for you as he pledged his heart to you in marriage was real, and I daresay that love is still alive in his heart today. It may be buried and locked away, frozen hard, but it is still there i believe, just awaiting the day when the cancer that surrounds it is destroyed. What you have been subjected to no woman deserves - but however hard it is, you have to understand that the one to blame for your pain is not your husband, it is the sin that has him bound in chains. Know that your husband feels pain too, and crushing shame, though he will not easily admit it. And know too, that there is hope for him to be rescued from his slimy pit. I was.
God bless you my dear.
Posted at April 28, 2008 4:09 AM
