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Thursday, January 24, 2008
Thursday, January 24, 2008
When I met my spouse in 1985, I found quite a collection of disgusting, hard core porn in his home. I dismissed it as him being lonely as he had been divorced for about two years. He also had men calling him for sex. He told me his former girlfriend had placed his phone number in the peep booths at the local porn shop.
Being fairly naive, I bought the story. When we moved in together I never found any porn again outside of a random Playboy or Penthouse and really never thought about it after that. In 2003 I developed Herpes Simplex II. I asked him if he had been faithful and he said yes. Because a friend of mine who is a Physician's Assistant told me HSV can remain latent, I thought I had possibly developed it years ago and it suddenly appeared. DUH 21 years later. I have since been told by several physicians that this is basically impossible.
Last year, I found hundreds of porn pictures on his work computer. When I confronted him about the pictures, I was mainly concerned that he could easily be fired if someone was checking the servers as he works for a city government. As a HR professional, I had fired people for this exact reason. I then cleaned up his computer temp files and cookies as he didn't know how to do that. As time went on, I kept finding more porn and dating sites in his temp files and cookies. I discovered one link to an adult swingers site.
When I confronted him about a profile on the site I believed was his, he admitted to cheating on me one time with an acquaintance of mine. He was sure it was before I developed breast cancer in 2004. He did not want to discuss it any further.
Two days later I found an email he sent unsubscribing to a dating site. He denied knowing anything about the email even though it came from his password protected account. That night, he pushed me about 25 feet into my kitchen where I landed on the granite top of my kitchen island and two chairs. I broke my finger, he left and I went to a friend's house.
Long story short, I hired a forensic computer analyst to look at our home computer. He found an amazing amount of porn and dating site activity. I confronted my husband again on June 1 and he pushed me through the drywall and left the next day.
Our divorce is almost final, he had to admit that he had a STD in the interrogatories. However, he also gave a date for his "one time" cheating that was false as I had recorded his "one night stand" telling me the actual date they met after a bicycle race. It was more than three years earlier.
She has also insisted that she does not have Herpes. He had placed her phone numbers in his 1999 planner which was odd as we were never really friends and she live 500 miles from us.
I think porn has been a problem for my STBX since he was quite young as I was told by a friend of his that porn was made available to him and his brothers at a very early age. He is also an active alcoholic which I believe he has used to self medicate to ease the pain and shame of his addiction to porn and sex.
Internet porn opened up an entirely new opportunity for him to find anonymous sex partners and view sex on line. If anyone thinks that this is not a problem today, they are kidding themselves. If a person is already addicted to porn and masturbation, they now have the ability to watch live sex on-line, as well as find partners in their own zip codes with a quick search of numerous sex sites catering to addicts.
His addiction has left me financially strapped, 23 years of my life with him have essentially been wiped clean, and I am no longer a trusting person. If you think your spouse is addicted to porn, it is time to begin monitoring internet activity. And whatever you do, do not infect files by trying to figure things out on your own.
Find a person (usually at a university or law enforcement agency)that is trained in finding all the hidden activity. It helped me get an excellent financial settlement, something that is almost unheard of in the State of Michigan.
Being fairly naive, I bought the story. When we moved in together I never found any porn again outside of a random Playboy or Penthouse and really never thought about it after that. In 2003 I developed Herpes Simplex II. I asked him if he had been faithful and he said yes. Because a friend of mine who is a Physician's Assistant told me HSV can remain latent, I thought I had possibly developed it years ago and it suddenly appeared. DUH 21 years later. I have since been told by several physicians that this is basically impossible.
Last year, I found hundreds of porn pictures on his work computer. When I confronted him about the pictures, I was mainly concerned that he could easily be fired if someone was checking the servers as he works for a city government. As a HR professional, I had fired people for this exact reason. I then cleaned up his computer temp files and cookies as he didn't know how to do that. As time went on, I kept finding more porn and dating sites in his temp files and cookies. I discovered one link to an adult swingers site.
When I confronted him about a profile on the site I believed was his, he admitted to cheating on me one time with an acquaintance of mine. He was sure it was before I developed breast cancer in 2004. He did not want to discuss it any further.
Two days later I found an email he sent unsubscribing to a dating site. He denied knowing anything about the email even though it came from his password protected account. That night, he pushed me about 25 feet into my kitchen where I landed on the granite top of my kitchen island and two chairs. I broke my finger, he left and I went to a friend's house.
Long story short, I hired a forensic computer analyst to look at our home computer. He found an amazing amount of porn and dating site activity. I confronted my husband again on June 1 and he pushed me through the drywall and left the next day.
Our divorce is almost final, he had to admit that he had a STD in the interrogatories. However, he also gave a date for his "one time" cheating that was false as I had recorded his "one night stand" telling me the actual date they met after a bicycle race. It was more than three years earlier.
She has also insisted that she does not have Herpes. He had placed her phone numbers in his 1999 planner which was odd as we were never really friends and she live 500 miles from us.
I think porn has been a problem for my STBX since he was quite young as I was told by a friend of his that porn was made available to him and his brothers at a very early age. He is also an active alcoholic which I believe he has used to self medicate to ease the pain and shame of his addiction to porn and sex.
Internet porn opened up an entirely new opportunity for him to find anonymous sex partners and view sex on line. If anyone thinks that this is not a problem today, they are kidding themselves. If a person is already addicted to porn and masturbation, they now have the ability to watch live sex on-line, as well as find partners in their own zip codes with a quick search of numerous sex sites catering to addicts.
His addiction has left me financially strapped, 23 years of my life with him have essentially been wiped clean, and I am no longer a trusting person. If you think your spouse is addicted to porn, it is time to begin monitoring internet activity. And whatever you do, do not infect files by trying to figure things out on your own.
Find a person (usually at a university or law enforcement agency)that is trained in finding all the hidden activity. It helped me get an excellent financial settlement, something that is almost unheard of in the State of Michigan.
Labels: addiction, debt, distrust, divorce, emotional pain, financial, honesty, internet, lies, pornography, unfaithful
Your story is also mine. Word for word. Mine is finally an ex, as of a month ago and I took him back to court with a modified motion on my settlement because I found thousands of dollars he "lied" about that he'd spent on internet porn, during our separation period and he was actually in contempt of court for using funds for other than "necessities of life". He's working on his "program" now more effectively, so he says, however, I have my doubts, but I'm out, now I need to start recovering. The distrust you feel for your judgement is awful and that's going to take some time to heal.
Thanks for your story, there are many more like us.
Posted at February 14, 2008 12:07 PM
