My dad was a bright boy - the kind that struggles in school because they're not challenged. He eventually dropped out and entered the military. He was very proud of his military career, however, and worked very hard at it. A debilitating illness stole his eyesight at a young age, and he found himself unemployed and unemployable, and with a young family. He was devastated and fell into depression.

He had decided as a young man that there was no God, and that religion was only a crutch for the weak-minded. So when these life-changing events occurred, he literally had nothing to help him through it. He turned to the only thing that brought him comfort: his pornography.

About this time he started abusing and molesting my younger sister. I found out a couple of years later, but I was a teenager and didn't know what to do. I have since found out that since I wasn't the actual victim, there wasn't really anything I or anyone I told could do. The victims were questioned informally about it (possibly both my sisters were molested, I never was sure about the second one), and both denied it. So, in legal terms, "If there's no victim, then there's no crime." Except there was a crime.

Even though I was never molested, I feel like I've suffered. I had emotional turmoil for years (counseling helped - I highly recommend it), had a lot of anger, and issues with self-image. And I almost feel like I don't have the right to feel the pain, because I wasn't the victim.

It's been hard, having a story to tell, except that I don't have the right to tell it because it's not my story. I remember as a teen knowing that my mom probably didn't know, and not knowing how to tell her. I ended up just withdrawing and staying in my room all the time. One thing that helped me get through those very lonely years was God. It really helped when I'd pray, I could feel His love. That has helped me through my whole life. And our story is different from other stories I've read because there was no violence or threats.

My sister was seduced, and to this day is not only not angry with my dad (who has since died), but even feels that his excommunication from the church was somehow her fault. My father abused my sister for over 10 years, into her first marriage. She has seen her life destroyed. Her marriage broke up and she lost guardianship of her two children, who are now grown. She copes by being a very shallow person. She accepts people on the surface, makes excuses for everyone, and just deals with life one day at a time.

Pornography is not allowed in my home. And the hardest thing in the world has been to deal with my own teenage boys, who investigate the porn that is freely offered and easily available to today's youth, who have so much more time to spend looking for it than their caring parents have to protect them from it.

I haven't told my kids about my family. It's just too much ugliness, and we're all just trying to move on and leave it in the past. But I question my choice when I tell my teenage son pornography is bad, and he spits back at me, "That's your opinion." Oh no it's not. It's fact. And my whole family has the scars to prove it.

Labels: addiction, brothers, children, depression, divorce, everyone is affected, family, internet, pornography, sexual abuse, spouse