Wednesday, January 23, 2008
The next day, following tips from the workshop, I performed a scan on our computer, not expecting anything but wanting to be sure, as we have an adolescent son. Of course, page after page of material turned up in the scan. I panicked at first, thinking of my son, but the times matched up to time my husband was alone in the house. I confronted my husband, and he confessed everything. He had been addicted to pornography for the past ten years. He was hoping I would catch him, because he was not strong enough to tell me himself.
He was willing to do whatever it took to leave the addiction behind. We received help and counseling from our clergy, and we went through a twelve-step program on our own using a manual. I made two decisions early on that, I think, greatly increased our chances for success.
First, I decided not to let my pride and hurt feelings get in the way of his recovery. It was not about me, and recognizing that made dealing with the whole thing easier. Second, I decided to be very confidential. Besides our clergy, I told only my father, who I turned to for advice and help throughout the ordeal. I did not tell my mother, my siblings, my neighbors, or my friends.
I got the support I needed, but I did not burden others with an offence they might not be prepared to forgive. I did not damage my husband's reputation in the eyes of those he cares about. I love my husband, and I am profoundly in love with him.
He has been restored, in my eyes, and I rarely think of the addiction that once horrified me. It has been three years today since I confronted him. The first year was very difficult, but also transformative. We weathered the storm together, and it has made us stronger. It has made me a better parent to my children, more compassionate and patient. It has opened my eyes to the danger can be in the lives of those we love, and to the mercy and power of God to heal us.
I hope, if you are reading this, you will find the comfort and solace you are looking for in your life. It is such a private problem. There are times I long to tell people what a growth experience this has been for me, how I have changed, how it has made me better. But my loyalty to my husband keeps me from reaching out. I am glad to do this anonymously. There are complete success stories, you just don't hear about them. God loves you and your loved one and you both can find healing and peace.
Labels: addiction, family, fathers, spouse, Strengthening Our Marriage, Success
Thank you so much for your story. Wow, you are such a strong woman. I completely relate to your feelings about wanting to reach out and share your story but not doing it because you are so loyal to your husband. I admire that greatly. Your story has already helped me as I'm sure it will many others. Thank you.
Posted at January 25, 2008 4:19 PM
Once, I too believed in keeping my husband's addiction quiet and confidential out of loyalty to him and our marriage. I must say now, that nine years later, I did myself and my marriage a huge disservice. I cut out a support network for myself and I was dying inside. It shows on the outside. Within the last 7 months, all of my siblings have noticed something not quite right with my marriage and over half of them guessed it was a porn addiction in my husband. It does affect me in a huge and horrible way. I have been going to ARP (a women's group) through my church and there, I have found safety and peace. I know I am not alone, I am a good person, the Lord does love me and my efforts have been good. Having my family know, and his too, along with a few friends, has helped me immensely. I believe in the power of prayer and I feel strength from the prayers offered for me, my husband and my family. My husband can no longer turn his bad choices on me. He can no longer hide behind me. I no longer feel complete guilt and shame over his choices.My husband has thrived on the secrecy. I believe as a wife, you are the best judge of your husband's progress or lack of. I am finally facing the truth in my own marriage---I see the lack of light in my husband's eyes. I recognize the words that are mere words to calm me down and keep me around. My husband now questions whether he is even an addict. I now recognize the cycles he goes through and the lies that keep coming around. I call them lies because nothing has gotten better. Once I thought he would overcome this addiction and now I wonder if he's really hit rock bottom and really wants to.
I am happy for you. It's a wonderful thing to witness the Atonement bless someone's life.
Posted at June 11, 2008 11:38 AM
Amen to comment #2. It took me several years to realize that I needed to talk to someone about my husbands addiction. I was losing my identity by hiding his problems. I couldn't be my real self because is was covering up for his addiction to protect him. I was not looking out for my own emotional health. This only dragged me down. I came to a point where I knew I could no longer hold in the secret I was carrying. I needed to talk with someone. His cycles were bringing me down.
Since I have communicated with family and very close friends, I have been able to recover my identity and realize that I can no longer "carry" my husband by hiding his addiction. He is the one responsible for his choices so he is the only one who can fix them. I can't. He has to do it! I feel free now that I won't/can't carry him anymore by 'helping' him hide it. This may sound harsh but it has helped relieve me of his burden.
Posted at June 11, 2008 11:02 PM
