About a year and a half ago I found out that my husband of seven years had been indulging in pornography off and on through out our marriage, some years much more then others. It was a secret that he had kept very well hidden from me... I was devastated... We had two kids, what was I going to do.

The title's of some of the web sites I found horrified me. And not that long ago I had asked him directly about it since I knew that he had struggles as a youth and we had just found out about other family members being involved, he boldly denied that he had never even looked since we had been married... A blatant and bold face lie... I was so naive.

But can I say a year later I know we are far from the end in this pornography riddled society, but things are so much better. HE is so much better! It took a lot of work, counselors, support groups, late night/all night “discussions”, fights, daily inventory, prayers, and prayers, pain and, I-tell-you-what, I went through a whole range of emotions, feelings even ideas that I would have NEVER anticipated which led to some situations that neither of us would ever have dreamt and hope to never repeat... But mostly it took a lot of love, forgiveness and repentance. It is very hard to forgive of this, but it is also very hard to admit and to change so we have had to work together.

I am grateful that I have a husband who recognizes it as bad and realizes it is for the unsatisfiable demon that it is... I feel so bad for those who are suffering on both sides of not recognizing that. So my husband has been very good and has not looked since my discovery. Last year this time it was quite a struggle for him but now he says that it seems to be gone. But the thing that I love most is that he is so glad that it is gone. He has expressed to me how much better he feels and how grateful he is to not have that demon in his life. Now you might think that I have merely been lured into a false sense of security... But the thing is I have seen the change in him. We went through a lot of hell in our first seven years of marriage... IT SUCKED!

Marriage is a big commitment to me, I am still very proud of the fact that I was a virgin until married. But we separated many times but I never could bring myself to break my commitment of marriage because to my knowledge I really didn’t have a good enough reason to, he was a jerk, but he wasn’t. There are so many things that made so much more sense after I found out about this “little problem” of his. I remember times in our marriage where I really struggled with what I knew about his pornography issues from before we had gotten married. I thought it was just me and that I wasn’t being forgiving enough, that it was my problem but as it turned out those were the times that he was indulging the most... Interesting... He was often very cold and apathetic, he had poor self esteem and these are just a few of the things but there were so many more. However, now I can truly say for the first time in 8 and ½ years that I Love my husband, not just because I love everyone, but because I really love who he really is.

Once he took pornography out of his life he became a better person. He is more compassionate and sympathetic, he has more confidence, he is more pleasant to be around. His whole countenance has changed and not only do I love the change but he does to. And one of the most interesting things about it is that even our sex life is better. We are now a happier family on a more regular basis. I know that the battle is far from over but we are making progress and I am so grateful that my husband has been able to have a taste of life with out pornography because it truly is better! My heart goes out to all those who are working through this battle, stay strong and I love you for your efforts. Thank you so much for those of you involved in actually fighting the battle in the world... It is a daunting one but your cause is good! May I be able to help more as my own wounds heal!

Labels: children, devestation, emotional pain, lies, Overcoming Addiction, Success